Eden Burning
by Saluki168
Summary: Eden Burning catches up w/ Edward & Bella after 4 years of marriage. What would have happened if Nessie was never & Bella stayed human? Would their love be enough to survive this dark journey or would their paradise burn to the ground? Dark, adult themes.
1. Chapter 1  Still Human

**This is a dark story, with mature themes, strong language and sexual situations. If you are not at least 18 years of age, you should not be reading this. Also, if dark isn't your thing, this is your one and only warning that this story is definitely not fluff. For Edward and Bella, it's not always happily ever after.**

**Prologue**

Alice saw the events play out mere seconds before they occurred. Her scream pierced the silence, bringing the rest of the family to her side. Even Jasper's calming influence could do no good. Her incoherent cries worried her family; they had never seen her have such a violent reaction to one of her visions. Whatever she was seeing must have been horrific.

**Late September, 2009**

_I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful_

_So unloved for someone so fine_

_I can feel so boring for someone so interesting_

_So ignorant for someone of sound mind_

_Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me_

_One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated_

_Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me_

_Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated_

_So Unsexy - Alanis Morissette_

Dinner, alone, again. It was the third night in a row Edward hadn't come home right after work, leaving Bella to eat dinner in solitude. She would never tell him how much it hurt her feelings. She knew he would say something like, "It's not like I actually eat dinner, so why should it matter if I'm there or not?"

Well, the truth was, it did matter. It mattered to her. She hated wondering where he was and what he was doing. She hated feeling like such an insignificant part of his life that he couldn't be bothered to keep her company while she ate. The truth was, she craved his company and wished desperately that he felt the same. But, like every night before, she also knew that the minute he walked in the door, clutching a bouquet of freesia, she would forgive him. He would kiss her eyes and tell her how sorry he was for being late, and she would wrap her arms around his neck and forget why she was mad in the first place.

Bella knew her relationship with Edward was dysfunctional. She wasn't blind to the fact that his moods dictated every aspect of their life together. But she knew that she would never be able to leave him. She loved him with everything she had and still held on to the hope that one day things would change - that he would change her so that she could finally become his equal. The constant reminders of her humanity stung like a million tiny paper cuts rubbed with salt. Edward never failed to scoff at her displays of human imperfection. Yet, despite his apparent loathing of her humanity, he still refused to make her a vampire.

It seemed so easy for him to break the promise he made to her before they married. At first, she believed him when he told her that he didn't want to risk her soul. Now, she wasn't sure what to believe. How could he love her so much, yet break the one promise that meant the most to her. There were moments she was tempted to throw in the towel - to tell Edward that she was leaving. Each time she tried, her heart would stop her. She would cling to the beautiful lies he told her, revel in the fantasy of having a perfect love, a perfect marriage.

After she finished eating, she washed her plate and put it away. Since Edward still wasn't home, she poured herself a glass of wine and sat on the couch with a book. She hoped that he would be in a good mood when he came home. Maybe he would even watch a movie with her on the couch. She couldn't remember the last time they sat together and just were - no company, no fighting, just a happy couple enjoying an evening together.

As hard as she tried, Bella couldn't focus on her book. Her mind was filled with thoughts of Edward, and a book, no matter how intriguing, couldn't distract her. So, she let her mind drift. She didn't have a vampire memory, but she could remember the first time she saw Edward Cullen as if it happened yesterday instead of four years ago.

**-Flashback-**

Bella was the new girl at Forks High School. Today, her only goal was to survive her first day. She had made it through her first few classes and had even been invited to sit with Jessica Stanley and her friends at lunch. The moment Edward Cullen walked in the cafeteria with his siblings, it felt as if Bella's world stood still for just a moment. He was the most beautiful person she had ever seen in her life. His hair, the color of an old penny, was carefully styled to look like it wasn't carefully styled. His face was all strong angles; Bella thought of a Roman statue as she took in the perfection of his alabaster skin. Just as she started to admire the lean lines of his body, he caught her staring. The look he gave her in return was pure evil. His eyes burned through her flesh and even though Bella knew she should look away, she couldn't. Despite the fact that he had such undisguised hate for her, she was immediately transfixed by him. Jessica shook Bella's shoulder, ending their very obvious staring contest. She had to know his name, so she let Jessica ramble for a minute before speaking.

"Which one is the boy with the reddish-brown hair?" she asked, trying desperately to sound casual.

"That's Edward. He's gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. He doesn't date. Apparently none of the girls here are good looking enough for him."

The bitterness in Jessica's voice was enough for Bella to guess that he had turned her down. For some reason that made her smile. Bella chanced another quick glance at him and could have sworn she saw a smile flit across his lips. She hoped it wasn't at her expense. Sure, she found him fascinating, but she wasn't going to be one of those girls who threw herself at his feet.

But, no matter how much Bella resolved not to waste another thought on him, it was an undeniable fact that Edward intrigued her. She didn't want to think about him. She didn't want to wonder where he was when he missed school. But, she did, and her thoughts verged on obsession. If only she could have known then what her life would become because of Edward Cullen. He would become both the best and the worst thing to ever happen to Bella Swan.

_*dialogue taken from Twilight, page 12._

**xxx**

The sound of the key in the lock shook Bella out of her thoughts, and she quickly smoothed down her hair and took a gulp of wine.

"Bella, love, I'm home." Edward sounded happy. It broke her heart that she had to fight to remember the last time she had heard genuine happiness in his voice.

"Baby," she cried, jumping off the couch and launching herself into his arms. These moments were the ones she lived for. The moments when he was the Edward she fell in love with, or at least the Edward she thought she fell in love with.

"I missed you today," he said, burying his face in her hair.

"I missed you, too," Bella replied, too caught up in her own elation to form a more coherent sentence. Despite the fact they had been together five years, Edward's scent still had the ability to make her dizzy with want.

"So, what did you do today?" Such a simple question, but one filled with so many traps, one of which she was about to fall in to.

"Besides work, not much really. I made a casserole for Billy. He's having such a hard time lately, and Charlie asked that I go look in on him. Jacob was home so we-"

"Tell me you didn't socialize with that dog," Edward growled, his good mood quickly replaced by darkness.

"I...well...he was there visiting Billy, so it would have been rude not to speak to him," she replied, kicking herself internally for her blunder. Edward tolerated her trips to see Billy because it was something she did for Charlie. However, where Jacob was concerned, Edward had drawn a hard and fast line in the sand. Unless Charlie was present, she was to have no interaction with him at all.

"Wasn't I clear in my direction that you weren't to speak to Jacob unless Charlie was present?" It was more of a statement than a question. All Bella could do was meekly nod her head as a single tear dripped down her face. There was a time when Jacob was her best friend. Now, he was barely an acquaintance. No one would ever know how much it broke her heart to let him go.

"I'm sorry, Edward. We talked about work, the weather, just mundane things. I was barely there ten minutes. Please, don't be angry with me." Bella hated groveling, especially when she felt she hadn't done anything wrong, but having Edward mad at her made her feel like a knife was lodged in her stomach. She raised her hand tentatively to his face, tracing the smooth skin of his jaw when he didn't pull away from her touch.

He nuzzled into her hand, sighing quietly. For a moment, her heart seemed to stop beating, just waiting for him to tell her that she was forgiven.

"You know I can't stay angry at you, love," he stated. While Bella knew it to be a lie, she drank in the words just the same. A lie coming from his beautiful lips flowed like honey through her mind, rich and inviting.

"But Bella, please stay away from Jacob, for me." Edward punctuated his request with a kiss that dissolved into a moist, hot demand against her lips.

She couldn't deny him anything, so with a silent plea of forgiveness to Jacob, she closed her eyes and whispered, "For you, anything."

That night she dreamt of Jacob. Flashes of their time together flitted through her mind like an old movie. Being with Jacob was so easy; she never had to walk on egg shells around him. Things between them had started to become strained the day she told him about Edward. Little did she know then that the animosity between Edward and Jacob ran much deeper than just simple jealousy. But, through everything, she never stopped believing that she could keep his friendship. After all, there was no reason for Edward to be jealous. Her heart belonged to him and him alone. If Jacob hadn't kissed her, maybe things wouldn't have gone so wrong.

**-Flashback-**

Edward insisted on dropping Bella off at the "line" - the area that divided the Cullen land from the Quileute. While frustrating, she did admit it was a small concession to make as it allowed her to still spend time on the reservation. That fateful day, Jacob and Bella were leaning against his Rabbit, waiting for Edward, talking about nothing in particular.

"Bells, do you ever think about what it would've been like if you had chosen me?" Jacob looked so serious as he asked the question that her heart jumped. This was definitely not territory that Bella was comfortable discussing.

"You know I don't see you like that," she responded. "I can't imagine being with anyone but Edward."

"We could be so perfect together. I wouldn't try to control you like he does-"

Bella cut him off with a glare. "Don't, Jake, just don't."

What happened next changed the course of their relationship forever. Without a word, Jacob leaned down and brushed his lips against Bella's. At first, it was tentative, then it became urgent, demanding, even as she didn't reciprocate. Bella had just started to push him away when she heard the unmistakable sound of tires squealing on asphalt. In an instant, Edward had ripped Jacob away from Bella and pulled her into his arms.

"Did he hurt you?" he demanded. "Did that mongrel force himself on you?" The rage pulsed from his body in waves, flushing his cool skin just a shade warmer. "Jacob Black, I am seconds away from tearing you apart, so if you value your life, you will leave now and never speak another word to Bella."

Bella was too stunned to form words; her worst nightmare was coming true. "Jake, just leave, please," she begged him, hoping he would heed Edward's advice and go back to the reservation. She and Edward could talk about the no contact thing later, after he had had a chance to calm down.

She peeked to the side and could just barely see Jacob. His fists were in tight balls at his side, and his body was vibrating with anger. "Please, Jake, just go."

"This isn't over, Cullen," he spat, turned, and phased. His tattered clothes silently fluttered to the ground.

Edward stayed angry for days and would not relent from his demand that she stay away from Jacob. Bella's visits to the rez became more infrequent, but she and Jacob still ran into each other from time to time. Their conversations became never strayed from polite inquiries and discussion of the weather as Bella did her best to honor Edward's wishes. Eventually, Jake just quit trying to talk to her all together. Their friendship died slowly, painfully, until one day it was as if the carefree days they had spent together had never happened.

**xxx**

Bella woke up the next morning with a heavy heart; losing Jacob would be something that she would never get over. But, before she could fall too deeply into despair, Edward appeared next to her on the bed. Waking up with him beside her would never get old. He ran his thumb along her jaw and murmured "Good morning, love."

As always, her heart sped up as his scent enveloped her. "Umph," she grumbled, not yet willing to completely break her hold on sleep. He drifted closer, peppering her face with kisses until she opened one eye. "I'm awake. The bed is just so comfy and warm," she whined and pressed herself into Edward's side. He wrapped his arms around her and stroked her hair as she tried to shake the vestiges of sleep from her mind.

"Better?" Edward asked, brushing her tousled hair away from her face and placing a kiss underneath her ear.

"Much," she replied. "But, if you keep that up, I can't guarantee I'll be able to control myself. I wouldn't want to make you late for work."

She was silently praying that he wouldn't stop. Whatever else might be happening in their relationship, sex was never a problem. It was the way they communicated when they didn't have the words to express their emotions. It was "I love you, I'm sorry, I want you, I'm scared, don't leave me," said with their hands, their mouths, and the sacred connection between their bodies. And, of course, the sex was fantastic. Beyond fantastic really, but Bella couldn't think of a word to adequately describe the things that Edward could do to her body.

Edward growled deep in his chest and flipped Bella on to her back. She could feel the hardness of his erection against her thigh and hooked one leg around his hip.

"How you tempt me," he whispered in her ear, his fingers bunching up the material of her t-shirt. She sucked in a breath as his cool finger traced random shapes on her stomach. "But, I have to be in the office early. Alice has seen a popular stock crash today, so I have some work to do."

Bella pouted but didn't say a word. Edward was a stock broker with a firm in Seattle. With Alice's help, he had risen through the ranks until he was the youngest head of his division in history. She knew that it was important for him to keep up appearances, so he dutifully went to the office every day like any good human would.

"I understand," she finally said, removing her leg from his hip. "Can I get a rain check?"

"That, my love, is guaranteed," he replied, grinding into her one last time. "I love you." He kissed her once on the lips, both of her eyes, and just under her ears before rising from the bed and leaving her to the silence of their empty house.


	2. Chapter 2  Little White Lies

**I want to thank my amazing friends for their undying support, encouragement and assistance on my journey writing this fic.**

**Detochkina - you are the best pre-reader an author could ask for. You're always honest and your insightful comments and suggestions have made this fic a zillion times better. I flove you to infinity and beyond.**

**Mkystich - My banner maker, cheerleader and cohort in crime extrodinaire. I could not have done this without you. Thank you for always listening and for giving me an idea for the most epic of all epilogues! I love you oodles and bunches!**

**LauraLoo - You volunteered to be my beta, and I can't thank you enough for the time you've spent cleaning up my chapter. This experience has brought us closer together, and I can't say enough how much I love you and our friendship!**

**Megsly, Jules, Bforqueen, SusanAshlea, Hezpixie, and anyone else who has pre-read even a chapter of my story, I thank you for taking enough interest in my writing to read my fic and give me feedback. I love you all!**

**As always, copyright infrigment is not intended. Twilight is the property of Stephenie Meyer. **

**And, again, this is a dark story that contains adult themes. **

_I took a chance, I took a shot_

_And you might think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not_

_You took a swing, I took it hard_

_And down here from the ground I see who you are_

_I'm sick and tired of your attitude_

_I'm feeling like I don't know you_

_You tell me that you love me then you cut me down_

_And I need you like a heartbeat_

_But you know you got a mean streak_

_Makes me run for cover when you're around_

_And here's to you and your temper_

_Yes, I remember what you said last night_

_And I know that you see what you're doing to me_

_Tell me why_

_Tell Me Why - Taylor Swift_

Bella didn't have many girlfriends other than Alice. She had always been a bit of a loner. It wasn't as if she lacked social skills; she just found it hard to let people in - to show them the Bella she hid from the rest of the world. Angela Weber was one of the very few exceptions to this rule. They had become friends almost instantly upon Bella's arrival in Forks. After high school, they attended community college together in Port Angeles. Angela was now an occupational therapy assistant at the hospital, while Bella, with her certificate in lodging management, was an assistant manager at the Olympic Lodge.

They made it a point to get together a few times a week for lunch or coffee. They were both busy with their lives, but retaining their friendship was important for both of them. And, thankfully Angela was one friend Edward approved of without reservation. He had commented on more than one occasion that she hardly ever had a bad thought about anyone. And, her fiancee, Ben Cheney, was one of the few human males Edward could stand for more than five minutes. Bella cherished having one human couple that she and Edward could do things with. At times, they actually seemed like a normal couple, doing normal things.

Once in awhile, Bella and Angela would have girl's night out. Most of the time, it consisted of going the movies, or sometimes a play or musical the local community theater. So, it shocked Bella the day that Angela asked her if she wanted to go to a male revue with her.

**-Flashback- **

"A what?" Bella said, needing to make sure that she heard Angela correctly.

"A male revue, like the Chippendales..." she trailed off, a deep crimson coloring her cheeks.

"I don't know. I don't think Edward would approve," Bella responded. She knew without doubt that Edward would be furious if she so much as broached the topic.

"Yeah, Ben was a little put off at first, but he's been to a strip club, so I told him this was only fair."

Bella envied her being able to talk so calmly with Ben about a topic that would no doubt start a fire storm with Edward.

"Come on, Bella. It's not like the guys are even naked. It'll be fun, I promise." She punctuated her statement by drawing a heart on her chest and giving me her best pleading look.

"Okay, okay, you convinced me," Bella responded, not convinced at all. She was positive that there was no way she would tell Edward her real plans for girl's night out.

**xxx**

That Friday night, Bella kissed Edward on the cheek before she left, feeling guilty for the lie she had told him. He thought they were going out to dinner and to a movie. Bella read all the reviews she could find about the movie so she could answer Edward's questions later. She picked Angela up and drove them to the Holiday Inn, where they saw their first male revue. She had to admit, it was fun. Watching the male strippers bust out their cheesy Back Street Boys moves and parade around in tiny thongs made her laugh and blush at the same time. Angela even received a lap dance; she laughed and gave the stripper's ass a solid pinch, causing Bella to laugh harder than she had in weeks.

After the show, they grabbed a quick bite to eat before Bella dropped Angela off and headed home. Bella practically skipped up the stairs, happy from her adventure with Angela. She had never done anything so scandalous; definitely nothing she had ever needed to keep from Edward. She unlocked the door and immediately heard the sounds of the piano in the great room. Quietly, she slipped in the room and observed him for just a minute. She knew that Edward was aware of her presence, but he didn't turn around. She walked slowly up to him, wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed the back of his neck. The crash of his hands on the piano keys caused her to jump back. Immediately every muscle in her body tensed. He knew. She wasn't sure how, but she knew. And he wasn't happy.

"Where were you tonight?" His voice was low, steady; she could hear the anger simmering beneath the surface. He slowly turned around on the bench and it took all the strength Bella could muster to look him in the eye.

"Out with Angela, you know that." It wasn't what he asked, but she hoped it would be enough.

"Oh, yes. Dinner and a movie, correct?"

"What's this about, Edward?" Her heart was racing; he would know she was hiding something. The fact that she was trying to hide it would just make the upcoming argument so much worse.

"It's about the...stench...clinging to your hair. Tell me, how would one acquire the scent of a sweaty, human male at the movies?"

Bella started to hyperventilate. Their scent. How could have she been so stupid. Of course Edward would be able to smell them. The small room provided little ventilation - she must practically reek of male stripper. All she wanted to do was go out and have fun with Angela. She didn't go for the men; none of them could compare to Edward. She went to laugh, to do something silly and a little risque. To not be boring, plain Bella Swan for just one night.

"Angela asked me to go with her to a male revue. I knew you would be uncomfortable with it, but she didn't have anyone else to go with. It was ridiculous - I don't think I stopped laughing once. I'm sorry for not telling you. That was wrong of me." She hoped her apology would be enough, but something told her Edward would not be assuaged so easily.

"So not only did you lie to me about where you went, you spent your evening admiring half-naked men. Am I not enough for you? Do you want me to perform for you? Tell me this, did they turn you on?" he sneered, his face contorting into a wicked mask.

"I didn't tell you the truth because I knew you would have this reaction. Why is it such a big deal? If you think that any of those boys could make me feel a fraction of what you do..." she trailed off, not sure why she was defending herself. She apologized for her dishonesty, what else did he want from her?

"You went to a strip club, Bella. I fail to see why you don't understand my reaction." He spit the words out, daring her to challenge him.

"Like you haven't been to a strip club before," she retorted.

"Not for a very long time, and definitely not since I met you."

"Ben didn't have a problem with Angela going. It was harmless fun," she snapped.

"I'm not Ben. And frankly, I don't care about his opinion. In fact, I'm not sure that I want you associating with Angela and Ben if they find such debasing entertainment acceptable."

Bella began folding in on herself one molecule at a time. She didn't know what she would do if he took two of the very few human friends that she had away. First Jake, now Angela and Ben - how much pain did he expect her to take and stay human?

"No, please, not Angela," she cried, as her knees finally buckled and she fell to the floor.

Edward bent down and curled her hair in his fist. The pain brought tears to her eyes. "You did this, not me. Go take a shower - I don't need any more reminders of your deceit." He was gone before she could even raise her head from the cool hardwood. She lay there for a few moments, wondering why she stayed with Edward when it was clear he didn't really love her. Deep down, knew she didn't leave him because she couldn't. She loved Edward too much to ever walk away; no matter how much he made her hurt, Bella knew she would never leave.

She wasn't sure where Edward had gone, but she knew he'd left their house. She wished that her sense of smell was as keen as his so she would know if he was being unfaithful. "_Probably another reason he wants to keep you human," the devil on her shoulder whispered. _The thought of where he was consumed her thoughts until finally she fell into a restless sleep.

The next morning, Edward wasn't there when she woke up. He had come home - his clothes from the night before were in the hamper. Bella assumed he was at work; after all, pretenses had to be upheld. She got ready for work, trying to ignore the gnawing ache in her stomach that appeared whenever Edward was angry with her. As she walked out the door her cell phone buzzed. Her stomach clenched in equal amounts of worry and relief.

_You didn't do anything wrong - I made that clear when he came over last night. I think he's calmed down enough to talk about it rationally. It will all work out. Love you - Alice._

Alice's text calmed her down, although she wondered why Alice hadn't warned her before she went out with Angela. Bella had told Alice on several occasions that she didn't want her meddling. But, when it came to protecting her sister-in-law from Edward's volatile moods, Bella had hoped Alice would make an exception. She vowed that the next time they were alone and out of Edward's range of hearing, she would have a talk with Alice.

Work passed quickly; it was one of those days that everything seemed to go wrong. By the time Bella had left, her nerves were frayed and she was fighting tears. She was surprised to see Edward's car in the garage. Despite Alice's attempt to reassure her, after what happened the night before, she couldn't help but feel the gnawing sensation she had repressed all day rear its ugly head.

Bella took a deep breath before she opened the door, attempting to prepare herself for the worst. Instead of finding a seething Edward, she encountered him busy in the kitchen, cooking her dinner.

"Something smells wonderful," she remarked, twisting her hands nervously.

"Roast lamb chops with mint, dill, basil and tomatoes, roasted garlic mashed potatoes, and steamed asparagus," he replied, handing Bella a glass of white wine.

She knew this was his build up to an apology, so why wasn't she feeling better? The never ending circle of fights and apologies were starting to wear on her nerves. But, she was curious to know what he was apologizing for. Did he actually realize what it was he had done wrong, or was he just trying to pacify her?

Bella took a long, slow sip of wine. After the awful day she had, it was the first step to soothing her frayed nerves. She pulled off her pumps and started to take them to the bedroom - an automatic reaction to Edward's obsessive need for order.

"Leave them." He interrupted her. "Sit down, relax. I'll put them away." She didn't argue - far be it from her to look a gift horse in the mouth. Using his vampire speed, he was back before she had taken another sip of her wine. She had propped her feet up on the chair across from her; she had to have chosen today of all days to wear heels.

"Thanks," she offered. "My feet are killing me."

"Long day?" Edward asked.

"Ugh, you have no idea. If I had to hear one more complaint, I was going to snap. Thank God Abby showed up early."

Edward pulled out the chair where her feet were currently resting and laid them in his lap. She moaned as he began kneading her feet. "That is divine." If this was part of his apology, she would make sure he kept it up until every knot of tension in her body was gone.

"Bella..." Edward's hands stilled for a moment. "I apologize for last night. After you fell asleep I went hunting with Jasper and Emmett. When we got back, Alice - well, she was not happy with me, to say the least. I was out of line and I hope that you can forgive me." He looked at her from under the thick fringe of lashes that framed his eyes. On a normal day, that look could melt panties. Today, she needed to know that he understood exactly what he was apologizing for.

"I appreciate the apology, dinner, everything." She spread her arms, gesturing between them. "But, do you understand what you're apologizing for?"

This time, Edward removed his hands from her feet and placed them on the table. "Isn't an apology enough?" he asked, his voice velvet over steel.

"Not if you don't know why you're apologizing," she quipped. Just like always, his hollow words said were said just to pacify her. He really didn't think he had done anything wrong...again. "I'm taking a bath and going to bed. Goodnight, Edward."

"Don't you want dinner?"

"I'm not hungry. I just want to relax and forget about this shitty day."

Edward sat in the kitchen, stunned how his apology had gone so wrong. When he left the house the night before, he knew that the argument had hurt Bella. When Alice showed him the vision of Bella sobbing hysterically on the floor, his whole body constricted in pain. Bella was the reason for his existence, and yet it seemed as if all he did was hurt her. Of course, Alice called him every name in the book, as well as a few that hadn't been created yet. When he returned home early that morning, he was determined to apologize and make things right.

He planned an elaborate dinner and knew exactly what he was going to say. He never planned on Bella rejecting him. If only he could peel back the layers of her mind and know what she needed him to say. The one thing Edward knew was that he couldn't leave things with Bella the way they were, so he refilled her wine glass and headed upstairs.

Bella was surprised when Edward stayed silent and didn't follow her. She walked into the bathroom, turned on the water and undressed, waiting for the tub to fill up. Edward had installed a jacuzzi in the master bathroom after they had moved in - one of the many renovations they had made to the old farm house. She poured in some bath oil and sunk down into the tub before turning the jets on. She regretted not grabbing her glass of wine before coming upstairs. But, she certainly wasn't going to ask Edward to bring it up.

Turns out she didn't have to - a few minutes into her relaxing soak, Edward appeared in the doorway, glass in hand. "I thought you might want this." He made no move to walk farther into the bathroom, waiting for Bella to invite him in.

Bella resisted the urge to ask him to join her. She was mad at him, after all. She just hated that he looked so fucking delicious standing there in the doorway with his messy hair and bedroom eyes. She quirked her eyebrow and extended her hand towards him. "Thank you."

"Really, Bella. I apologized - I can't read your mind. Please, tell me what I need to do to earn your forgiveness."

Such sweet words rolling off his tongue, yet Bella didn't trust that they were sincere. "Like I said, when you can actually tell me what you're apologizing for - besides being an ass - I will be more than happy to accept."

Edward walked towards the jacuzzi and placed the glass in Bella's hand, letting his fingers linger on hers in the process. He was angry, but at that moment, lust was making it hard for him to stay focused on the reason why. Her scent permeated the room, sinking into his skin, waking the animal within.

"Bella," he growled. "Right now, I don't think an apology is what you really want from me, is it?" His eyes were black pits of desire that Bella didn't trust herself not to fall into. "Don't try to deny it. I can smell how much you want me."

He was right. Even though her anger was still blazing, hot and raw, she wanted him. She wanted to feel his lips on her skin, his hardness deep inside her. "Fuck you," she spat. She might want him, but she wasn't going down easy.

"Is that what you want?" he asked, kneeling down beside the tub. "Do you want me to fuck you, Bella?" She almost came apart right then and there. Her nipples were instantly hard; the water pulsing from the jacuzzi jets was almost painful.

She narrowed her eyes and tried to ignore the swooshing of the blood pounding in her head. "You think you can distract me from the fact that I'm still mad at you with sex?" she scoffed.

"I thought that given the state of your...arousal," he said, reaching out and softly twisting a nipple under the water, "that we could put this whole matter aside..."

With the feel of his fingers still lingering on her nipple, Bella knew she wouldn't be able to resist much longer. Even though she wanted to punish him, her defenses were crumbling fast. "You expect me to put aside the fact that I'm mad at you just for the sake of a fuck?" She crossed her arms over her breasts and gave Edward her best scowl. Silence lingered thick in the air, while anger and lust mixed, heightening the sexual tension crackling between them.

Edward leaned forward until their lips were almost touching. "Yes, I do." Bella sucked in a breath and silently admitted defeat. She saw his eyes narrow and felt a shudder run down her spine. She made no mistake that he was a predator - she was his prey.

She attacked him with ferocity; her anger was still at the surface, boiling, in need of an avenue of escape. One of her hands fisted in his hair; the other gripped the front of his shirt. She poured all of her anger into the kiss, letting it dissipate into white hot sparks on his tongue. Her breasts pressed up against his shirt, providing a delicious friction to the swollen flesh. It wasn't enough; she wanted to feel his cool skin against hers, to feel the sizzle as hot met cold.

Bella's fingers fumbled at the buttons of Edward's now wet shirt. She heard him chuckle as she tried to kiss him and undress him at the same time. Her waning anger flared, and she surprised herself when she pulled the fabric until the buttons popped off, falling with a quiet splash into the bath water. She pushed the soaked material off his shoulders, letting Edward remove it the rest of the way. Now that his chest was bare, she pressed herself against him and returned her focus to his mouth.

Edward pulled back slightly; his cool breath fanned over her flushed cheeks as he brought his eyes to hers. He gently trailed one finger down her cheek, over her collarbone, and down the swell of her breast, never breaking eye contact. Bella threw back her head and moaned when he took both of her nipples in his elegant fingers and roughly tweaked them.

"You like it rough?" He pinched her nipples harder. The pain was intense but so exquisite she would never tell him to stop. Soon, he replaced his fingers with his mouth, biting and sucking on her nipples as she pulled at his hair.

"God, Edward, yes," she moaned, now rocking her hips, needing friction between her thighs.

"Tell me what you need," he demanded, running his hands over her slick skin.

"I need your mouth on me."

"Where, Bella. Where do you want my mouth?"

Bella still hadn't mastered the art of dirty talk; it still made her feel silly to tell Edward, in graphic detail, what she wanted him to do to her. But, she also knew how much it turned him on, so focused on his eyes, black and feral and said, "I want your mouth on my pussy."

Another growl escaped from Edward, and he swept her up into his arms and carried her to their bed.

Edward looked down at Bella. Her skin was wet and flushed; her hair a crazy halo of tangles on the pillow. He had never seen such an erotic woman in his life. His cock was already painfully hard, but the sight of her spread out before him caused his foreskin skin to tighten even more. This woman that he loved, that infuriated him like no other, that held the key to his existence, had no idea how sensual she was or how she could bring him to his knees with just one sigh from her pouty lips.

He drank her in with his eyes, watching as her pulse thrummed and her skin began to flush an even deeper shade of pink. With a deep inhale of the musky smell of her arousal, he positioned himself on the bed between her legs. He took his time kissing and licking the soft, creamy skin of her inner thigh. Every moan that fell from her lips made it harder and harder for him to keep himself contained. No matter how much he wanted it, he could never unleash his vampire side with Bella.

Finally, he brought his tongue to her slit, teasing the swollen flesh in the way he knew Bella liked. He parted her folds and started caressing her clit with the tip of his tongue. Her hips began to move as his strokes became faster. Bella's body began to shake, and he knew that she was close to release. Just a few more sweeps of his tongue and Bella came apart around him.

Bella rode the wave of her orgasm, clinging to Edward's hair as every muscle in her body relaxed and contracted. If she lived a million years, she couldn't imagine anything feeling better than Edward's cold tongue teasing her most sensitive flesh. As she started to come down from her high, she was struck with the rapacious need to have Edward inside her. His head was resting on the swell of her abdomen; his eyes on her were feral - menacing.

She sat up enough that she could grab his hair and give it a good pull. He rose up on his knees and chuckled. "Is someone feeling feisty tonight?"

"Someone should shut up and fuck me," she returned. Edward moved up the bed until he was hovering over her, dark and demanding. Bella brought herself to her knees and wrapped her arms around Edward's neck. Their lips met again, tongues barely brushing before they would pull back, only to devour each other again.

She ran her hand down Edward's chest, stopping at the thatch of hair just below his stomach. She paused for just a moment, relishing in the anticipation she knew Edward was feeling. When she wrapped her fingers around his cock, his body shuddered as his head fell to her shoulder. She stroked and pumped the engorged flesh, eliciting growls and moans that caused her to rub her thighs together, once again seeking friction.

"I want that hot little mouth wrapped around my cock." His voice was no more than a whisper, yet the need and desperation that laced his words made it seem as loud as a scream.

Bella dropped down to her knees and immediately took him in her mouth. His scent, strong and pure, assaulted her senses, spurring her to bring him to release. Her tongue lathed his skin in hot strokes. One hand continued pumping, while the other gripped his ass, pulling him even closer. His hand was on her head, gently setting the pace.

"Fuck, you're going to make me come," he panted, removing his hand from her head for fear that he might hurt her in his release. He came in a mighty roar, causing their bedroom windows to shake.

Bella had just placed a kiss on his thigh when he spun her around so she was on her knees; she gripped onto the headboard just as Edward thrust into her from behind, burying herself deep inside her. He brought one hand around her body and began rubbing her clit, still swollen and tender from his earlier ministrations. She moved her body in synch with his, giving as good as she took. If she could not be his equal in any other part of life, she would seize her opportunity here, in the bedroom. There was something so animalistic about this position that Bella couldn't help the growl that escaped her lips. She felt feral and wild as she slammed herself down on his rigid cock, absorbing every thrust he gave her.

"Fuck, did you just growl?" Edward asked.

Bella responded by turning her head, covering Edward's mouth with her own, and growling again. The room echoed with the sound of flesh slapping against flesh. Each moan and grunt that poured from their lips was quickly swallowed by teeth and tongue; their lips never parted long enough for more than the slightest of sounds to escape.

Edward spun her around again so that she was facing him. In this position, she was able to set the pace. She gripped the headboard for leverage and lifted her hips, then let herself slam back down. The sensation of him hitting her so deep caused her to see stars, but she didn't let up on her pace. She rode him hard and fast, driving herself to the edge over and over again. Edward gripped her hips; she knew there would be marks on her pale skin in the morning, but she really didn't care. Tonight, she was as much of an animal as Edward - wild and untamed.

She felt the tension coiling in her stomach and brought her face to Edward's neck. When she was just about to tip over the edge, she bit down on the flesh under his ear. He jerked her face away; he looked totally unhinged.

"Oh, Edward," Bella said with a throaty laugh. "Two can play at this game." Still riding him, she leaned forward and whispered into his ear. "I can use sex as a weapon just as well as you."

Hearing those words come from his sweet Bella caused Edward to come undone. Bella followed soon after, whimpering with the intensity her orgasm. He was always the one teasing her with his teeth at her neck, reminding Bella that he held the key to forever. Tonight, she had turned the tables on him. Whether it was her lingering anger, or her growing sexuality, Bella had owned him, taking what she wanted while giving back to him with passion Edward never realized she possessed.

He uncurled her body from his and lay her down on the bed. No doubt she was probably sore and certainly exhausted. He pulled her back to his chest and smoothed back her hair. They lay there for a few minutes, both lost in their own thoughts. Bella was pondering her conflicting feelings for Edward. How she could be so angry at him - so bitter and resentful for the way he treated her - yet so desperately in love with him at the same time. Edward was hoping that the storm had passed, and that Bella might finally forgive him.

"I know you're still angry with me, Bella. But, I want you to know that I am sorry, and that I do love you," he said, ghosting his lips across her neck.

Bella, resolved to make a point, didn't miss a beat. "I know, but I'm still mad at you. Goodnight."


	3. Chapter 3  Love and War

**I see you reading my chapters, but so far you're not commenting. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but I really would love to hear your thoughts. I promise, I don't bite. **

**No copyright is intended – Stephenie Meyers owns all things Twilight. I own the books and poster of Edward.**

**Chapter 3 **

_Here I go again...back into your arms  
What ever happened to resolve?  
For though I thought that I was strong, that I could carry on  
Awash in the illusion of this bliss_

Here I go again...back into the flame  
Like a moth so willing to be burned  
A little touch a little taste the pheromones embrace  
And I get weak with every breathe I take

'Cause it's you who released me  
It's you who gave me fire  
Oh and now it's impossible to grow  
Without breaking stride...I get so high

Take me out beyond the incline  
Make it past the former fault line  
For today I let the moment win

Here I go again...saying things I shouldn't say  
Just so I can hear them back from you

Oh I know I shouldn't stay  
I should be on my way  
Back to a place I know is real  
But the lines are getting blurred  
My conscience wont be heard  
Awash in the illusion of this bliss

And it's you who released me  
It's you who gave me fire  
Oh and now it's impossible to grow  
Without breaking stride...I get so high

Take me out beyond the incline  
Make it past the former fault line  
For today I let the moment win

_Illusions of Bliss - Sarah McLachan_

The silence that followed the next three days brought Bella to the edge of insanity. Edward had given her the silent treatment before but never for this long. Yet, Bella still couldn't bring herself to forgive him. He had hurt her, threatened to take away something very precious to her, and had the gall to think those things didn't deserve an apology. So she returned his silence, even though inside she was screaming for him, wanting to run into his arms and lose herself in his cool embrace. Still, she bit her tongue and tried to pretend Edward wasn't shooting her death glares whenever she met his gaze. On that third night, just before she was going to bed, Alice called.

"Alice" Bella's tone left no doubt of her ire.

"You asked me to stop looking, Bella. I catch glimpses, but I had no idea things were so bad. Why haven't you told me?" she asked, hurt evident in her voice.

"What was I supposed to tell you," Bella said with a sigh. "Edward has always been jealous and overprotective of me. It's just...he's just..."

"An asshole who thinks it's okay to treat you like dirt?"

"He just lets it all get bottled up until he explodes, Alice. I know he loves me. And, I'm not perfect either; lying to him about the strip show is proof of that." Bella thinking that Edward was an asshole was one thing, but she couldn't let Alice talk that way about him. She couldn't have Alice thinking that way about her brother.

"Really," Alice responded. "So I shouldn't be concerned with the fact you two haven't spoken in three days?"

"He apologized. I'm just not letting him off the hook so easily. He was a dick; I can't just let him think that an 'I'm sorry' is enough. Honestly, Alice, we'll be fine." Bella laced her words with all the bravado she could muster. She really didn't need Alice poking around in her relationship with Edward. She wouldn't understand and would inevitably end up making things worse.

"If there's something you aren't telling me - I'm your sister-in-law, you know you can come to me with anything."

"I know that. I promise, we'll be fine," Bella said, hoping against hope Alice would drop the subject.

"Okay, if you say you're fine, I believe you. I just worry about you - it's part of the Cullen family code, you know."

"You haven't told anyone about what you saw?"

Alice noted the hesitation in her voice and lamented they were even having such a conversation. "No, I haven't and I won't. This is your deal, Bella - who you choose to talk to about it is your business."

"And this weekend, what about Edward?"

"I'll think about Jasper totally naked. I imagine that will be enough to keep him out of my head." She chuckled. "It's late, so I'll let you go. I just wanted make sure you were okay. Sweet dreams. Love you."

"Love you too, Alice," Bella said, hanging up the phone and drifting off to sleep.

Bella woke up the next morning, surprised to discover that Edward was beside her. After three days of not speaking, she expected to wake up alone, again.

"Good morning," he said, tracing a finger from her temple to her chin. She immediately leaned into his touch, craving the softness of his cool skin against hers, still warm and flushed from sleep.

Her mind, though fuzzy, was clear enough to realize that something was up. Her mind and body warred against each other, pushing and pulling against the conflicting needs of forgiving him and continuing to mete out punishment. Deep down she missed him terribly. Three days of silence, three days without his touch, was almost more than she could bear.

"I miss you," she said. Bella found his free hand and wove their fingers together.

Edward stared at her, wishing for the millionth time that he could get into her head, wishing he could pluck out the words she wanted to hear. His anger at her silence had fizzled into a growing sense of panic. She was the only thing holding him to this life. Without her, he was nothing.

"Why the silent treatment?" he asked, still tracing her face with his finger tip.

"Because..." she trailed off, trying to find the right words to explain her actions. "Edward, you were quick to admit you were a dick, but when I asked you to explain, you couldn't. It felt like you were apologizing just to appease me, not because you really understood what you had done to hurt me."

Bella watched as Edward's brow furrowed and she held her breath, waiting for his reaction. He dropped his hand from her face and looked at her; the corners of his mouth turned up into a constrained smile.

"I know to admit that I overreacted would be an understatement. I smelled those other men on you and I just...Bella, you are my mate. The idea of other men, particularly those that are less than fully dressed, around you set off something primal and I snapped. I know your intent in going was only to have a good time with Angela. I'm sorry that I insinuated otherwise. I'm sorry I hurt you."

Bella sighed softly. It wasn't the apology she deserved - he still didn't say anything about pulling her hair or threatening to cut her off from Angela, but it was probably the best she was going to get. Tired of fighting, Bella resolved to let go of her anger and accept his apology.

"I know, and I accept your apology. I love you. Even when I'm mad, even when you're an ass, I still love you." Edward's face broke out into a smile so beautiful it made her want to cry. He was so perfect. Even after all this time she still found herself surprised that he loved her.

Edward dropped her hand and pulled her to his chest. Bella snuggled into him and let the steady rise and fall of his chest and the feel of his hand stroking her hair lull her back to sleep. She must have only been asleep for a few minutes when she felt Edward's lips on her forehead.

"Wake up, sleepy head," he whispered. "We both have to get ready for work."

Bella groaned in frustration; work was the last thing on her mind at the moment. She wrapped her arms around his waist and let herself take in his presence: the way his cotton t-shirt felt soft under her fingers, the way his hands felt as they rested on her lower back, the way his scent permeated the air around them. For those few minutes she immersed herself in the feeling of contentment Edward brought her when they were together.

"I guess I should get in the shower," she said, finally looking up at Edward. "Would you like to join me?"

"Mmmm. I think that is an excellent way to start the day." Bella slid off his lap and ran her hands through her tangled hair.

"Give me just a couple of minutes, okay?" she asked. For the millionth time, Bella regretted the human things she had to do. Not that she was embarrassed exactly, but living with a vampire very much made her aware of those parts of her life. "Someday," she muttered, balling up a wad of toilet paper and wishing Edward wasn't listening to her pee.

Just as she had gotten under the hot spray of the shower, Edward opened the glass door and joined her. She immediately felt his eyes on her. She could sense him running his eyes down the slope of her shoulder, over the curve of her waist. Her face flushed, not with embarrassment, but with desire. She turned around and met his gaze. Her heart picked up as Edward's eyes darkened and she reached out her hand to him. He stepped forward and brought his hands to her waist.

Bella watched the water drops as they collected on his skin and began their descent down his smooth, hard chest, over his stomach, and along the perfect v at his hips. She brought her eyes back up to his. Edward's expression was full of love and desire; a smile tugged at his lips.

"I've missed touching you," he whispered. His hands roamed her body, reverently caressing her flesh. "I've missed tasting you." He added his mouth to his ministrations, starting at the tender skin of her neck, drifting down to her collar bone, then to the swell of her breasts. He dropped to his knees and peppered kisses on the swell of her stomach. He placed a kiss between her legs, which had already started to tremble, and looked up at her. "I've missed pleasuring you."

She thought her knees would go out when his tongue slid between the slick wetness of her folds. He teased her, slowly dragging his tongue over her clit in one languorous pass after another. Bella fisted her hands in his hair, pressing his face into her tightly against her. Moans and sighs fell from her lips as he began flicking his tongue against her swollen clit. The burn in her stomach traveled downward until her legs were shaking so badly she wasn't sure that she would be able to hold herself up much longer. When he snaked two fingers inside her, curving them upward, her world exploded around her and she came, biting her lip to hold in her moans of pleasure.

As Edward stood up he steadied Bella, pressing her body between the cool shower tiles and his even colder body. At that moment, she didn't care; one arm snaked behind his back and the other between his legs. He let out a groan when her fingers wrapped around his cock. "Bella, you don't-"

"I've missed pleasuring you," she said, cutting him off. He dropped his forehead to her shoulder as she began pumping his hard length, building up from a slow pace to the frantic rhythm she knew would bring him to a quick release. His breath fell in hot pants on her skin and his hands, once just palming her ass, now frantically kneaded her flesh.

"Oh, god, I'm going to come," he panted moments before releasing, cold and slick, in her hand.

He lifted his head from her shoulder and captured her mouth with his. His kiss was tender and sensual. Bella lost herself in the sensation of his lips moving with hers and wrapped her arms around his neck. They kissed until she was breathless and dizzy. When she pulled back to take a breath, Edward looked at her with amusement.

"What's so funny?" she asked, lightly slapping his chest. Her hand stung from the contact, causing her to shake it at her side. Edward chuckled and brought her hand to his mouth, kissing each of her fingers and then her palm.

"I think we've been in here a bit too long; you're skin is starting to prune." He turned around the hand he had kissed so she could see her wrinkly fingers.

"Huh? Well, my mind has been on other things," she said. "I'm probably going to be late for work, but right now I could care less." Bella grinned up at Edward before grabbing the shampoo and proceeding with her normal shower routine. They managed to finish with only light touches and chaste kisses. Although they both wanted more, it would have to wait. That evening after work, they were going to Forks.

Bella was distracted most of the day as thoughts of Edward and their upcoming trip to Forks dominated her mind. She was never so happy for the day to end - she missed Charlie and needed girl time with Alice and Rose. She only wished she had more than two days; it was definitely not enough time to catch up with everyone. By the time five o'clock rolled around, Bella had her car keys in hand and was rushing out the door.

Edward was already home and putting their bags in his car when she pulled in the garage. She got out of the car and gathered her purse and bag. She noticed that Edward had already changed out of his work clothes. He looked delicious in a pair of faded jeans and a dark green long sleeved cotton shirt.

"Just give me two minutes to change and I'll be ready to go," Bella said, walking over to Edward and giving him a kiss. He wrapped his arms around her waist and the kiss quickly turned from a chaste brushing of their lips to a feverish meeting of their mouths.

"I could help you out of those clothes," he murmured against her lips.

"And then we would never make it to Forks tonight," she responded, lingering in his arms for a moment. "I really do want to get there in time to bring Charlie all the food I've made for him. You know how he eats when he runs out of food in the freezer."

Bella released her hold on Edward and walked into the house. Edward smiled as he watched her go. Ever since she had left home, Bella still cooked for Charlie, albeit she had to freeze the meals since she was cooking from an hour away. He thought it brought her a measure of comfort to take care of her father, and it allowed her to freeze meals for herself as well, since living with a vampire meant only cooking for one.

A few minutes later, Bella came out of the house, lugging a box full of individually portioned frozen meals for Charlie. Edward quickly moved to her side, taking the box from her hands and depositing it in the trunk of the Volvo, next to their luggage.  
"Ready?" he asked, slamming down the trunk.

"Yep," Bella answered, getting into the car.

Edward turned on the satellite radio and found his favorite classical music station. Bella felt her eyes start to drift close. Edward's hand came up to stroke her cheek. "Sleep, beautiful. I'll wake you up when we get close."

**-Flashback- **

Edward and Bella had only been together, officially, for a few days when he asked her to meet his family for the first time. He was sitting at the kitchen table, watching Bella eat breakfast, when he broached the topic.

"Hmmm...What would you say to meeting my family?"

Bella was excited and terrified at the same time. Of course, she wanted to meet Edward's family and be introduced as his girlfriend. She knew his brothers and sisters, and Carlisle had treated her in the Emergency Room, but this was totally different. What if they didn't approve of Edward dating a human? What if they didn't like her?

Before the couple left the house, Bella expressed her nervousness to Edward. He had just kissed her on the stairs; she forgot to breathe and fainted in his arms.

"I can't take you anywhere like this."

"I'm fine," Bella insisted. "Your family is going to think I'm insane anyway, what's the difference?"

As always, Edward insisted on distracting her, probably in an effort to calm her frazzled nerves. Bella wasn't having any of it. "Look, I'm trying really hard not to think about what I'm about to do, so can we go already?" she asked.

"And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?"

"That's right," she answered immediately.

He shook his head. "You're incredible."

Bella quickly discovered that she had no reason to be nervous - everyone was lovely and did their best to make her feel welcome. She still felt very plain and vastly out of place, but it soothed her to know that she had the approval of Edward's family. Well, with the exception of Rosalie. It turned out to be a wonderful day, just one of many she would spend at the Cullen's home - a lowly human in a house full of vampires_._

_*Dialogue in flashback taken from Twilight page 151. _

**xxx**

"Bella, Bella, we're here," Edward said, pulling Bella out of her dream.

She stretched and pulled the visor down, checking that her hair wasn't smashed down on one side from sleeping with her head against the window. Next, she popped a piece of gum in her mouth and rubbed her eyes. By that time, Charlie had noted their arrival and was standing on the porch.

Bella and Edward exited the car and Bella walked over to Charlie, meeting him half way to the house.

"Bells, I've missed you," Charlie said, encompassing her in a hug.

"I've missed you too, Dad. I brought more food - I hope you have room in the freezer."

"You really don't have to cook for me, but I sure do appreciate it."

"I know how you eat when there's no food in the house. Besides, I like to cook, so it's really no trouble."

Edward walked forward, the box of food in his arms. "I think this is for you, sir." He sat the box down and extended his hand to Charlie. "It's good to see you."

"You, too," Charlie mumbled. He bent over to pick up the box, but Edward stopped him.

"I can get it, Charlie. Just let me know where you want it."

"On the kitchen table is fine. Thanks."

Charlie had come to accept Edward; he really didn't have a choice once his daughter announced her engagement. But, their relationship was far from buddy-buddy. Charlie knew that Edward loved his daughter and had no doubt that he would provide for her and protect her. However, that didn't mean that they had to be friends. Bella was just glad her father wasn't outwardly hostile anymore. She could handle the civil discourse between them, although she longed for the day they could joke and maybe even watch a Mariner's game together.

"I'll stop back by tomorrow. Maybe we can have lunch at the diner?" Bella asked.

"Leaving so soon?" Charlie asked, disappointment in his voice.

"Carlisle and Esme are expecting us for a late dinner," Bella said.

"Well, in that case, please let them know I said hello. Stop by any time after noon."

"Okay, see you tomorrow." Bella gave her father another brief hug and clasped Edward's hand.

"Goodbye, sir." Edward tilted his head at Charlie, squeezed Bella's hand, and led them back to the car.

Once they were out of Forks, Edward was free to do one of his favorite things: speed. Although Bella still didn't like it, she was used to the fact that Edward drove extremely fast at any opportunity. His penchant for speeding cut the trip to his parent's house from twenty minutes to ten, putting them in the driveway at seven thirty on the dot.

Alice was outside and opening the car door before Bella had her hand on the handle.

"Bella!" she squealed, pulling her out of the car and into a crushing hug.

"Alice...air," Bella squeaked out.

Alice released her, an apologetic look on her face. "Sorry, I'm just so excited you're here! I found some clothes for you...I just know you are going to love them."

Bella inwardly groaned, while Edward chuckled. "Alice, why don't you let her get in the house before you start playing dress up?" he teased.

By this time, Carlisle and Esme had made their way to the porch. While Edward grabbed their luggage, Bella made her way across the yard and to the porch.

"It's so good to see you," she said, embracing first Esme and then Carlisle. She really did miss Esme. Renee was her mother, and she loved her fiercely, but Esme had a sense of calm and practicality about her that Renee would never possess. She found it cathartic to talk to her, knowing that she would get a sympathetic ear and sound advice.

By the time they made it inside, Jasper, Rose and Emmett were gathered in the living room. Someone had set up Trivial Pursuit on the coffee table.

"Ready to go down, little sister?" Emmett said, smiling widely at Bella.

Bella groaned inwardly. She hated trivia night, but the Cullen family loved it, for reasons she would never understand. Emmett, Rose, Jasper, and Alice would team up against Carlisle, Esme, Edward and Bella. Alice and Edward, because of their abilities, weren't allowed to answer questions, but they could give their partners hints. Of course, this rule was designed for Bella, as she lacked both a photographic memory and the knowledge that came with living as long as the rest of the family.

"Could you at least let me get settled first - maybe eat?" she said.

"Of course, dear." Esme shot Emmett a glare, led Bella into the kitchen and served her dinner. She ate slowly, not excited about the prospect of playing Trivial Pursuit with a group of geniuses. But, once her plate was empty and her glass had been drained, she put the dishes in the sink and she and Esme joined the rest of the family in the living room.

Everyone settled into their normal places around the board game. Bella sat on the floor next to Edward, who squeezed her hand in reassurance. She didn't recognize the board, which must mean they had purchased a new edition. Of course, this meant she would be at an even worse advantage, since all the questions would be new. The game started out in typical fashion: Emmett wanted the blue playing piece and refused to play until Jasper traded with him. Jasper took the blue piece each and every time, knowing it would get Emmett riled up. Esme mediated between them, always the referee in the family.

Bella tried to relax and enjoy the game. When she wasn't responsible for answering a question, it was quite easy to do. However, when it her turn came up, she immediately tensed. Jasper noticed her change in mood and tried sending calming feelings her way.

"Let's see your mad trivia skills, human," Emmett teased.

"Shut it, leech," Bella shot back. A chorus of "oohhhs" followed, before she shushed them and rolled the dice. She landed on green, science and nature - definitely not her strong suit.

Alice pulled a trivia card from the box and asked the question. "What's the correct name for a rabbit's tail."

Bella immediately drew a blank. "Uh..."

Edward jumped in, "Four letter word, rhymes with hut."

She started running through words in her mind, unable to come up with anything.

Edward impatiently tapped his hand on his leg, fighting the urge to answer the question himself. Usually, his clues helped Bella answer the question. At the moment, it wasn't helping her at all. The sand in the tiny hourglass quickly ran out, and Bella slumped her shoulders in defeat.

"The correct answer is scut," Alice said.

Edward "humphed" and shot Bella a nasty look. "Seriously? You expected me to get that?"

"It wasn't a very challenging question," he commented, passing the dice to Esme.

"For god's sake, Edward, it's not like you learn this stuff in high school biology."

"But you might have learned it in college biology," he shot back.

That was a low blow. Edward had never agreed with her decision to go into the hospitality industry, but she had refused to budge on the issue. She enjoyed her job and didn't for one minute regret her decision to go to community college.

The silence in the room was uncomfortable; no one quite knew what to say to break the awkward tension. Bella felt tears sting her eyes and got up from the floor before they could spill.

"I, um, I need a restroom break." She excused herself and made her way to the bathroom. Once she had shut the door behind her, she leaned over the sink, squeezing her eyes shut in an attempt to keep herself from falling apart. She didn't want anyone to hear her break down. One deep breath, then another, then another, each intake of air brought her a little closer to calm.

Just as she was about to leave the bathroom, there was a knock on the door.

"Bella, may I come in?" Esme asked, concern in her voice.

Bella unlocked the door, opened it, and stood aside to let Esme in. Of course, one sympathetic look from her and all the tears Bella had been holding back broke through. Esme wrapped her arms around Bella and held her as she cried. "I just don't understand why he has to be so mean," she whispered.

"How long has he been like this?" Esme asked, pulling back so that she could look at Bella.

"Awhile. It's not like he's like this all the time, but..." she trailed off.

"Bella, he shouldn't be like that at all. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. The Edward I just saw is not the man I raised." Her voice was stern, but her eyes held nothing but love. "Have you talked to him about his behavior, let him know how it makes you feel when he speaks to you that way?"

"Not really. I mean, most of the time it's pretty obvious. You know me - I cry at the drop of a hat."

"You two need to talk about this. Open communication is the cornerstone of a solid relationship. Why don't you head back downstairs - Edward and I need to have a mother to son chat."

"Oh, Esme, you don't have to do that." Bella didn't want Esme to make the situation worse. Edward would take it out on her later, thinking that she spurred Esme to speak with him.

"No, Bella. I do not like the display he put on tonight, in front of the entire family no less. Whatever is going on in your marriage is between you and Edward, but when he is in my home, he will not act in such a disrespectful manner. I will not have it."

Bella sighed. Part of her was glad Esme was going to talk to Edward. Perhaps hearing it from his mother, a woman he held in the highest esteem, would make him realize what his caustic words did to her. "Thank you...for everything." Bella wrapped her arms around Esme again. "I love you."

"I love you too, Bella. I also love my son, which is why I need to talk to him. And please know that you can talk to me about anything." Esme squeezed Bella one last time before leaving the bathroom, her mouth set in a stern line.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, we need to have a talk." 


	4. Chapter 4  The Things That We Have Lost

**I want to thank everyone for sticking with me so far. I know this is far from your typical Edward/Bella love story. In this chapter, you'll get a little more perspective on what's going on in Edward's mind. As always, I love to hear your thoughts. **

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight – I just own this plot.**

_In the moonlight your face it glows like a thousand diamonds_  
_I suppose_  
_And your hair flows like the ocean breeze _  
_Not a million fights could make me hate you _  
_You're invincible_  
_Yeah, It's true it's in your eyes where I find peace _  
_Is it broken? _  
_Can we work it out?_  
_Let's light up the town, scream out loud!_  
_Is it broken? _  
_Can we work it out? _  
_I can see in your eyes You're ready to break _  
_Don't look away._  
_So here we are now in a place where the sun blended with the ocean thin. _  
_So thin, we stand across from each other _  
_Together we'll wonder if we will last these days_  
_If I asked you to stay would you tell me you would be mine? _  
_And time Is all I ask for _  
_Time I just need one more day and time _  
_You've been crying too long_

_Broken - Secondhand Serenade_

****  
The rest of the evening was subdued. Edward had effectively killed the carefree mood of the evening, and the rest of the family made no effort to disguise their feelings about his attitude towards Bella. Rose, in particular, made her thoughts loud and clear - the most frequent was her desire to see his testicles removed in a very painful manner and fed to the first animal she could find.

Out of all of his family's disappointed and disgusted thoughts, Esme's pain cut him to the quick. She was such a gentle soul, who conducted herself with grace no matter the circumstances. He knew his actions that evening had grieved her deeply; their conversation just served to reinforce that belief. He had disappointed the one person who had never failed to love him, even when he deserved it the least. The look in her eyes as she spoke to him and her unspoken thoughts reduced him to tearless sobs.

Bella found him sitting against the island in the kitchen, hands tangled in his chestnut hair. She was still hurt, but she actually felt bad for Edward. His family had not been easy on him for most of the evening. Based on Rose's verbal lashing alone, she figured he was under a mental assault designed to punish him for his earlier stunt. She did get a measure of satisfaction that the family was on her side, but in the end Edward was her husband, and it was evident he was hurting, too.

She slid down, brought her hands to his, and gently disentangled his fingers from his hair. His arms fell limply at his sides; his eyes stared blankly forward.

"Edward," she started, words forming then dying on her tongue.

"I've hurt you again." His voice was heavy with regret, yet he still wouldn't look at her.

Bella still wasn't sure what to say. It had become a pattern: Edward would hurt Bella, apologize, things would go back to normal, and then it would start all over again. The only difference was that tonight his family was witness to his temper, and tonight was just a small glimpse of what their marriage had become. And yet, when she looked at Edward she wasn't sure she could ever leave him. So, they would keep falling into the same routine: hurt and love, anger and lust circling around them like vultures, picking away at them until nothing was left of the innocent love they once shared.

She closed the short distance between them until they were touching and leaned her head on his shoulder. They sat in silence until Bella went to bed, leaving Edward alone on the kitchen floor. She had just slipped in to bed when the door opened.

The light in the hall illuminated Edward from behind, casting his features in an eerie glow. He looked like a dark angel. If that's what he was, the only thing Bella had left to give him was her soul and that he would not take. She bit back a sob as he sat on the bed beside her and kissed her temple. Surely, she prayed, it wouldn't be much longer until Edward realized that her humanity was slowly strangling her. One way or another, her soul would be lost; she preferred to exchange it for eternity with Edward rather than a human lifetime of bitterness and regret.

Bella woke the next morning in confusion. It took her a moment to realize that she was in their bed in Forks, not in their bed at home. With that realization, all of the memories from the night before came flooding back. Instead of dwelling on them, she got out of bed and walked to the window. The morning sun was shining brightly; she felt slightly bad that she was glad Edward would have to stay close to home. Since she only had Saturday and part of Sunday in Forks, Bella wasted no time getting ready. After she had showered and dressed, she walked downstairs, following the fragrant aroma of her favorite coffee. She walked in the kitchen and saw Edward standing over the stove, egg in one hand, frying pan in the other.

Alice was perched on the counter, while Jasper hovered over the cutting board. Apparently Edward had drafted him into cooking for the human.

"All this for little ole me?" She walked over to Jasper and leaned on the counter next to him. "How did you get roped into this?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Wrong place, wrong time, I guess."

"Jasper misses his little sister," Alice teased. "He's been moping around here all morning. Doesn't he look like a sad little puppy?"

Edward's shoulders shook slightly, but he held in his laughter. Bella, on the other hand, doubled over in laughter. "Jasper, the sad little puppy! Well, little puppy, I've missed you, too." She rose up to give Jasper a peck on the cheek. She glanced over at Alice, who was frowning at Edward. No doubt they were having a silent conversation.

Bella walked over to Edward and looked at Alice. She shook her head slightly and she hopped off the counter.

"I think Edward can handle it from here," she said. "We should go before Rose and Emmett get too far ahead of us and get all the bears. I'm sick of deer."

"Oh," Bella said, disappointment in her tone. "I though we could spend the morning together. I'm spending the afternoon with my dad."

"Don't worry - you, Rose and I having girl's night tonight." She gave Bella a quick hug before grabbing Jasper's hand and leaving out the back door.

The silence that followed bore down on Bella, causing her shoulders to slump; it was the weight of all the things she wanted to say but would never have the courage to let out. She shook off the despair that was threatening to overtake her and wrapped her arms around her husband's waist. As she pressed her face against his back, Edward put down the bowl and whisk and turned Bella so she was pressed to his chest.

"How did you sleep?" he asked, his voice muffled by her hair.

"Good. I forgot how comfy that bed is. Looks like you'll be staying close to home today."

"Alice says it will be clear and sunny all day." He sighed. "After you leave, I'm going to go hunting with Carlisle and Esme. I need to spend some time with them. I'll miss you today."

"I always miss you. But, it will be nice to spend time with Charlie. I worry about him."

"He's lucky to have you, Bella. So, what are you two going to do today?"

"Lunch at the diner; besides that, I'm not sure. I'm sure there's probably a game on that he'll want to watch. My guess is we'll just hang out at the house." Bella looked forward to the solitude of her father's house. She could just be herself, no expectations, no fear of failure. Her stomach picked that moment to grumble.

"I'm neglecting your breakfast," Edward said, placing a kiss on the top of her head and releasing her. "Enjoy your coffee. I'll finish your breakfast. Is a western omelet and toast okay?"

"It sounds absolutely delicious. Are you sure I can't help?"

Edward simply rolled his eyes and went into vampire mode. Before she had finished her first cup of coffee, he placed a plate in front of her. "Bon Appetite."

After Bella finished eating, she washed the dishes and made sure the kitchen was clean. The weather was so beautiful that she couldn't resist slipping out the door and walking into the back yard. She found a soft patch of grass and lowered herself to the ground. The grass smelled fresh and clean and the sun was a warm caress on her skin. She let the light breeze carry away her worries away like puffs from a dandelion and before long, she was drifting asleep.

Edward watched Bella lying in the grass out the kitchen window. She looked like an angel, and his chest tightened as he thought about all of the ways he had hurt her over the past few years. He couldn't seem to stop, no matter how many times he promised her otherwise. When they had first met, everything about Bella was perfect. Once he overcame his urge to kill her, Bella became his whole world; her safety and happiness meant more to him than his own existence. Their wedding day was the happiest day of his life. As newlyweds, they were insatiable for each other, not only sexually, but intellectually and emotionally as well. He didn't think that either one of them could imagine their relationship as it was today.

It happened gradually, but little by little, all of the little things that he found so endearing about Bella began to annoy him instead. Then, one day he began seeing her as a human: weak, mortal, limited. When the veil of idealism fell from his eyes, the realization of her true nature left him scared and depressed. For the first time, he truly understood her insistence that she become like him. She wouldn't be young and beautiful forever. Sickness and frailty would become a normal part of her life, and one day, she would die. But, even that realization couldn't shake his belief that her soul would be dammed to hell if she became a vampire. She was so pure, so good. He had killed without regret; saving her soul was the only amends he could make for the sins he had committed. So, he was faced with a decision. Accept her humanity without condition and concede that one day she would die, or change her, thereby risking her soul, but keeping her with him for eternity.

He was at war with himself every day. Turning her would be so easy, just the lightest of pressure against her skin, a few drops of his venom in her bloodstream, and she would be his forever. But she deserved so much more. She had already sacrificed a life with a husband that couldn't give her children. Could he take away the rest of the human experiences he had been denied? Could he damn her soul to hell for eternity? As his mood grew darker, his temper became shorter. He found himself snapping at Bella - saying things to her that he knew would hurt her feelings. Try as he might, he couldn't contain the hostility bubbling up inside him. Try as he might, he couldn't stop hurting the one person who he could not exist without.

He found himself walking towards the door and out into the yard. With each step he took towards Bella, he tried to leave all of the bitterness and confusion behind. He stopped in front of her and stared down; she was so beautiful.

"Hey, you're blocking my sun." Bella smiled up at him and patted the ground next to her.

He lay down beside her, and she immediately snuggled close and molded herself to his body. She took his hand in hers and lifted it in front of her face, turning it back and forth and smiling as the light bounced off his skin. Still feeling the desperate ache of all his failures, he rolled over so that he was on top of Bella.

One minute she was lying next to Edward, the next he was on top of her, looking at her with such love and sadness it sucked all the air out of her lungs. "What has happened to us," she murmured, reaching up to stroke his face.

His lips crashed down on hers, heavy with the weight of all they had lost. At that moment, they were both open, vulnerable; they both knew there was no going back. Her lips moved against his gently, coaxing him back to her. She needed him present, in the moment, not lost in a past they could not change. His lips stilled against hers, and he pulled away slightly. He brushed his lips against her forehead, eyes, and chin before rediscovering her lips. Bella immersed herself in the kiss, giving herself over to him as she had so many times before.

"I love you, so much," she sighed against his lips.

"You will always be my world, Bella." He lowered himself back down beside her and wrapped his arms around her waist. They lay together until Bella started shivering, despite the warm weather. "You're cold," Edward said, releasing her and sitting up.

Bella missed the feel of his arms around her but knew that she needed to get ready to leave for lunch with Charlie. "I should freshen up a little before I pick up Charlie." She slowly stood up and brushed bits of leaves and grass from her hair.

Fifteen minutes later she was in the Volvo, headed to see her father. She pulled into the driveway and sat in the car for a minute, composing her thoughts. She wasn't one to show much emotion around her father, but today she had the desire to feel his protective arms around her while she cried. She couldn't - she needed to hold it together - for both of their sakes. However, Charlie was way more perceptive than he let on, and she didn't want to give him any more reason to worry about her than he already did. Once she was sure her emotions were contained, she got out of the car, closing the door with her hip, and made her way inside.

"Bells!" Charlie called as soon as the door closed with a creak and a rattle.

"You should get this door fixed. I'm not a teenager you need to keep from sneaking out of the house anymore." Little did Charlie know that she never had the need to sneak out of the house since Edward climbed through her bedroom window every night.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Just one of many things I need to do around this house. I'd rather spend my free time fishing. Maybe I'll hire Jake to do some repairs. Billy says he's pretty handy with a hammer."

Bella sucked in a breath at the mention of Jake. "Good idea, Dad. I'm sure he would be happy to help." She hoped that was the end of the subject. Her frayed nerves couldn't take another hit.

"Speaking of Jake, he says you two haven't seen each other lately. I know you're a married woman now, but Jake was your best friend."

Pain stabbed at her gut, visceral and raw. She didn't need a reminder of how important Jake had been in her life. She missed him more and more every day. "I know, Dad. We're both just so busy."

"Bells, one thing I've learned is that you need to make time for your friends. Life is too short to let friendships fade because you're busy. At least call him. I know he'll be thrilled to hear from you."

"I will, but first, I've got a lunch date with a handsome older gentleman." She winked at Charlie and held out her arm.

"Old - you wound me," he replied, grasping his chest before taking her arm.

They had a companionable lunch at the diner, followed by an afternoon of Charlie watching baseball while she read. It was exactly what Bella needed - a relaxing day spent in the company of the one person she knew loved her unconditionally. She left before dinner; Charlie had been invited to eat with Sue Clearwater and Billy Black. He had urged her to join them, but she demurred, citing her girl's night with Alice and Rose.

By the time she arrived back at the Cullens, everyone was home. Edward greeted her at the door and pulled her close. "I missed you today."

"How was hunting?"

"We ran across a few mountain lions, and Carlisle snagged a bear. Overall it was a pretty good day. What about you? Did you enjoy your afternoon with Charlie?"

"It was nice, quiet. Charlie watched baseball; I read."

"Are you ready for your girl's evening? I've seen what Alice has planned," he teased.  
Bella rolled her eyes. Edward never failed to tease her about the facials, manicures and pedicures Alice insisted be a part of every girl's night they shared. What she failed to tell him was that over the years, she had come to enjoy the pampering. Alice was better than any professional out there - and she didn't charge.

After Bella made a quick sandwich, she changed into her pajamas and made her way to Alice's bedroom. She and Rose had already piled pillows on the floor in front of the television and laid out everything they would need for their spa night.

"Get in here!" Alice called as Bella hesitated in the doorway.

"Do you want to watch 'The Notebook' or 'Dear John'?" Rose asked.

"How about neither? I'm really in the mood for comedy," Bella responded.

"I was hoping you would say that," Rose said. "You know how much I hate that sappy shit."

Alice pouted while Rose got the movie ready. "So, what do you have planned for me tonight?" Bella asked, hoping to cheer Alice up.

It worked - a smile crossed her face as she began to describe the facial, imported from France that she was going to try on Bella that evening. "You're going to love it!" she exclaimed, putting Bella's hair into a ponytail.

Alice, Rose, and Bella spent the rest of the night laughing and talking. She had Rose still had an uneasy friendship, but Bella knew as long as she wanted to become a vampire there would always be a barrier between them. But, most of the time, they were able to put that aside and enjoy each other's company.

When Bella started to yawn, Alice sent her to bed beautified and happy. It had been a perfect day; she was just sad it had to end. As she climbed into the soft cotton sheets, Bella contemplated asking Edward to join her but fell asleep before his name could leave her lips.


	5. A Blessing and a Curse

**Once again, I want to thank all of you for reading. I appreciate all your thoughts, so please let me know what you think of this chapter. After today, I will post once a week. There are 15 total chapters, and I'm in the process of writing an epilogue now.**

**No copyright infringement is intended – Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I just own this plot.**

_All my past is color  
Placed inside my hands  
Empty is the canvas  
Patiently I plan  
Stars are bright above me  
That's not where I am  
Greens will be behind me  
Blues will make the man_

I can't help but fear I've done this wrong  
Cause seldom second chances come along

Greys are all around me  
Fading into black  
Stars were bright above me  
Won't you bring them back

I can't help but fear I've done this wrong  
Cause seldom second chances come along  
If time can break us, will it make us strong  
Cause seldom second chances come along

_Second Chances - Needtobreathe_

__After Bella had fallen asleep, Edward made his way into their bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. He hadn't watched her sleep in what felt like forever. He thought back to the days when he used to climb through her bedroom window and sit beside her bed until the sun began to rise. She was so beautiful in the throes of sleep. As he looked down at her, no lines of worry or stress crossed her face; in fact, a smile graced her lips as her eyes fluttered with dreams. He wished he knew what she was dreaming about. If he was honest with himself, he would admit that he hoped she was dreaming of him. But, after everything that had happened between them lately, he wasn't so sure her dreams of him would be happy ones.

When it came down to it, all of the heartache, all of the strife in their relationship, revolved around one thing: Bella's humanity. It was no secret that the only thing Bella desired was to be changed. She maintained that she wanted forever with Edward and had no regrets about the things she would leave behind to achieve it. She had spent countless hours with his family discussing what becoming a vampire would mean - leaving behind her family and friends, watching everyone she knows and loves die, embracing impermanence even while living for centuries. She had made her plans and had long since said her goodbyes. She swore that she understood the sacrifice and when compared with spending an eternity with her husband, it all paled in comparison.

Edward couldn't deny that he longed to spend eternity with his wife. She was the only thing that tied him to this life, and when she was gone, he would soon follow. So, the idea of having her by his side forever was a proposition that tempted him every day. But, by taking her human life, he would also take her soul, and that he could not do. He had read the Bible and had discussed hell many times with Carlisle. How could he subject his wife, the woman who meant the world to him, to an eternity of suffering? The Bible spoke of souls burned with flaming sulfur for all of eternity; he could not leave his Bella to that fate just for the sake of keeping her with him.

And, although Carlisle wasn't completely convinced vampires had souls, he had grown up in the church. Some part of him still clung to the faith his father had instilled in him during his human life. In their discussions, Carlisle did his best to refute the notion that just because they were vampires, their souls were damned. He would say, "Edward, someone created the very first vampire. If not God, then who?" And he would ask why God would create vampires just to cast them into Hell? Carlisle was positive there was a higher meaning to their kind. If there was, Edward hadn't discovered it yet. His father made a gallant effort, but he could never be convinced that creatures as savage as vampires could be saved.

But, there were weak moments when he was alone, despairing of the day he would lose Bella, where he wondered if he did have a soul as Carlisle suggested. He would never admit it out loud, but there was a part of him that wished it was so. If he did have a soul, there was a chance, however slight, that he would be able to join Bella in Heaven one day. He also feared that if he really did have a soul, it would be condemned to hell many times over for each of the people he had killed in his period of rebellion. It was true he only killed criminals, but who was he to judge who could and could not be saved? Perhaps one of the people he killed could have redeemed themselves, turned away from their evil ways. In those weak moments, he thought that if he did have a soul, and God saw how he fought to preserve Bella's, how he sacrificed his own happiness to save the person he loved the most from eternal damnation, he would somehow be forgiven, and they would be together for eternity.

So, as he internally battled his resolve to keep Bella's soul safe, he also battled his ever growing resentment of her humanity. He knew it was wrong of him since he was the one who refused to change her, but he couldn't stop himself. He was jealous of Alice and Jasper, Rose and Emmett. Things between them were so easy, natural. It was tiring to be on guard, to hold himself back each and every moment they were together. How he longed to take her with his full force, to unleash the beast he kept on such a tight chain. He wanted to run through the woods with her, watching her hair stream behind her as she laughed at the sheer joy of being so free. He wanted to know that no illness, no accident could take her from him at any moment. But, instead of trying to reconcile himself with the fact he would never have those things, he slowly grew bitter. Edward shifted closer to Bella as his thoughts drifted to the first time he snapped at her for being clumsy.

**-Flashback-**

Bella had wanted to take a trip to Maine in the fall. She loved the changing of the seasons, so Edward arranged a surprise weekend trip. He booked a room at a secluded bed and breakfast and planned a romantic weekend with plenty of outdoor activities. One afternoon they were walking through the forest around the bed and breakfast, taking in the beautiful trees, covered in leaves that had changed from deep green to brilliant shades of gold, orange and red.

Bella was taking pictures, experimenting with the new camera Edward had given her as a birthday present. They were walking hand in hand when Bella spied a cardinal in a tree covered in bright yellow leaves.

"I have to get a picture of this before the bird flies away!" she whispered and dropped Edward's hand. She was taking the camera strap from around her neck and not looking where she was going.

"Bella! There's a tree stu-" His words were cut off by the sound of Bella walking into the tree stump. She fell forward, throwing out her arms to break her fall and landed on the ground with a muffled thud.

She sat up slowly, rubbing her right arm. As Edward approached her, he noticed the camera had taken the brunt of the damage from her fall. Instead of being glad she was relatively unharmed, he snapped at her. "You really need to watch where you're walking. Do you know how much that camera cost?"

As soon as the words left his mouth, Edward wished he could take them back. But, he couldn't shake the feeling of irritation he had as he watched her walk right into the tree stump. Edward felt like an ass; his wife had just fallen and all he could think about was her clumsiness and the cost of her broken camera. The little voice in the back of his mind made it worse by snickering, "If you would just change her, this wouldn't be a problem." Not for the first time, Edward quashed that voice back to the deep recesses of my mind. Changing her was not an option. He would just have to figure out a way to make peace with her humanity.

**xxx**

To this day, he still hadn't figured out how to reconcile his feelings. It seemed that no matter how hard he tried, his temper was growing shorter and shorter by the day. Even when he was making a conscious effort not to hurt his wife, he still somehow managed to wound her deeply over and over again. The only truth he knew, the only thing that kept him from falling into utter hopelessness, was that he loved Bella, and even though he didn't deserve it, she loved him back.

Edward didn't want to wake her, but he ached to touch her. He reached out and traced a fingertip over her forehead and down the side of her face. Her skin was warm and smooth, and he longed to brush his lips against it. He bent down until his lips were only centimeters from her cheek. With the lightest of touches, he caressed her cheek with his lips. As he drew back, Bella's eyes fluttered open.

"Edward?" She rubbed her eyes and looked at him with eyes so full of love he was reduced to silence. All at once, the weight of all the battles raging inside him crashed down. He yearned to go back to the days when he climbed in Bella's window and held her while she slept - days before the reality of her humanity slowly began to smother them both.

"Edward, are you okay?" Her voice broke through the fog of his mind.

"Go back to sleep, sweetheart. I didn't mean to wake you."

"Something's wrong."

"No, just remembering all the nights I spent watching you sleep, wishing you were mine. Really, go back to sleep; I'm fine."

"You were watching me sleep? I miss that, you know," Bella said, a small smile playing at her lips.

"I guess I'll have to do it more often," he answered, adjusting the covers around her shoulders. "Sweet dreams."

Instead of closing her eyes, Bella freed herself from the cocoon of blankets, sat up, and scooted closer to Edward. Her eyes locked with his; any thoughts of sleep were clearly forgotten. She brought her hands to rest on each side of his face.

"I don't want to go back to sleep," she said as she lifted her mouth to meet his. Her lips were hungry, yet gentle as she kissed him. "I want my husband." Her hands roamed over his clothes as her lips kissed any bit of exposed skin she could find.

Edward closed his eyes and let the heat of Bella's touch seep into his skin. Each kiss, each brush of her hand across his body, brought him closer to finding peace, if only for a few moments. When her hand dipped between his legs, he couldn't hold back any longer. His hands found the soft cotton of her night shirt, and he pulled it over her head in one quick motion. Her bare skin glowed with the light of the moon; Edward let his eyes feast on the perfection of her body, bare except for a pair of tiny, silk panties.

"You are exquisite." He reached out and skimmed his palms over her body. She sucked in her breath, causing him to lift his eyes to hers. "Why are you crying?"

"When you touch me like this, so gently, I know it's not because you don't want to hurt me, but because you really do think I'm exquisite. After all this time, it still doesn't make sense, you loving me."

Her words took him back to the clock tower in Volterra, to the day Bella had saved him from making what could have been the worst mistake of his existence. He remembered all they had been through on that day: Jane torturing him when he stepped in front of Bella; Felix beating him into submission; Aro letting them go on the promise that Bella would one day be turned. Bella still feared the Volturi would come one day and discover that she was still human. But, time meant little to the elders, so Edward was confident that by the time they remembered Bella and took measures to seek her out, she would have long since passed from this life.

"Loving you is the only thing that makes sense in this world," he answered, resting his right hand over her heart. He raised his left hand to her face and wiped away the tears resting on her cheeks. She nuzzled her face into his palm, turning it slightly to kiss the inside of his thumb.

Edward knew Bella needed to be reassured, reminded that even with the changes time had brought to their relationship, he still loved her with the same intensity as he did in the beginning. Nothing could ever change the depths of his love for her; tonight, he would show her in every way he could that she was still the reason for his existence.

Tilting her head up, Edward leaned forward and brought his lips to hers. He kissed her slowly, gently, letting her feel just how much he needed her. Bella brought her arms around his neck and pushed herself against his body. "I need to feel you," she whispered into his mouth, bringing her hands to the front of his shirt and quickly popping each button free. He shrugged it to the floor, while she lifted the t-shirt he wore underneath, kissing his chest as she worked the material over his head. As soon as his chest was bare, Bella pressed herself tightly against him and sighed softly against his skin.

He ran his hands over her back, caressing the curve of her waist, the swell of her bottom. When his hand smoothed over her panties, he hooked his finger in the waistband and tore them off with the slightest flick of his wrist. He drew back slightly. "Before you left for Phoenix, when we were trying to keep you safe from James, do you remember what I told you?"

"That I was your life."

"I think that's truer today than it was back then. I love you so much, I can't find the words. I know that I've disappointed you so many times. But I need you to know that I can't exist without you."

"I know," Bella replied, but Edward could read the doubt in her eyes. It stung to know that his wife doubted him, but he also knew that he had no one to blame but himself. He brought his lips to hers again, but this time the kiss was deeper. He cupped her head in his hand and guided her down to the bed. Bella's lips were insistent, her tongue needy as it brushed his. He heard her breath catch and broke their kiss. He dipped his head to her breast and skimmed his nose over the pebbled skin of first one nipple, then the other. When he sucked one of her nipples between his lips, Bella brought her hands to his head. He carefully grazed his teeth over the sensitive flesh, and she moaned, tugging at his hair. He moved his mouth to the other nipple, suckling as gently as he could. Her skin was so delicate; the slightest of pressure could cause it to tear. But he couldn't deny himself, or Bella, the pleasure he got from feeling her nipples harden in his mouth.

The smell of her arousal flooded his senses, and it took all of his control not to bury himself in her right then and there. Instead, he kissed the swell of her stomach, the smooth skin of her hips. Nothing would ever compare the feel of his wife's body; he could spend the rest of the night tasting every inch of her skin. He reached back and wrapped his hand around her calf, bending her leg forward until her knee was by his face.

"I don't think knees get enough attention," he said, kissing the raised scar on top. He moved back slightly and said, "Calves are often neglected as well, what a pity." Bella cast a smile at him as he peppered first one leg, then the other, with kisses.

"I can think of one area of my body that would like some attention."

"Oh, really. Let me guess - your elbow," he teased.

"Nope."

"Hmmm, oh, I know - your ear."

"Wrong again."

"Well, I think you're going to have to just show me," he said, putting on his best pout.

Bella skimmed her hand down her body, stopping to roll her nipple between her fingers. "Right, here." Her breath was barely a whisper as she slid her fingers between her thighs.

"Oh God, Bella." The sight of Bella pleasuring herself was one of the most delicious forms of torture Edward had ever endured. After a few seconds, he couldn't take any more. He stopped her hand and brought her finger to his mouth, hardening even more at her taste. He slid his tongue between her folds, flicking her clit until Bella was writhing above him. He reveled in her smell, her taste, as he brought moan after moan from her with his tongue. Her breathing became erratic, and soon she was crying out as her body shuddered with the force of her orgasm.

Edward moved up the bed until he was lying beside her and pushed a few strands of hair out of her face, trailing his cool fingers over heated flesh. When her breathing was closer to normal, he captured her lips with his own and moved so that he was above her, his arms resting on both sides of her head. He closed his eyes and entered her in one, smooth motion. They both moaned at the perfection of the moment - the feeling of utter completion. "You feel so amazing," he said, pulling out of her slowly. He closed his eyes and buried himself inside her again, inch by agonizing inch.

"Faster, please," Bella pleaded, gripping his ass in her hands.

He sped up his thrusts and Bella drew her knees up further, allowing him to push deeper. He looked down, wanting to watch as his cock slid in and out of her slick, wet heat. Edward sped up his thrusting, letting each slap of his hips against Bella's drive away his guilt and pain. His hand found her clit, and he began rubbing it, knowing just the right amount of speed and pressure to use to keep her teetering on the brink. When he felt his orgasm begin to build, he quickened the pace until he felt Bella's walls clench around him. She orgasmed with a strangled cry, mouth open, eyes locked on his. A few erratic thrusts of his hips later, Edward shattered around her as wave after wave of pleasure swept over his body.

He collapsed next to Bella and wrapped his arms around her. "Stay with me," she said, sleep already starting to take her under.

"Always." He stroked her hair and hummed her lullaby like days of old. As the minutes ticked by, he thought about all the nights he had watched her sleep, even before they were considered friends and how terrified he was the moment he realized she had figured out what he was. He remembered their first kiss; he was so nervous he would lose control but couldn't stop himself from trying.

**-Flashback-**

Edward had taken Bella on a run through the forest. Thoughts of kissing her consumed him, and he knew that he needed to try while he had the nerve.

"I was thinking, while I was running..." Edward said, hoping to keep the nervousness out of my voice.

"About not hitting trees, I hope," Bella interrupted.

"Silly Bella, running is second nature to me; it's not something have to think about."

Bella muttered, "Show-off," causing Edward to smile. His "perfection" was a constant source of discontent for Bella. If only she knew how not perfect he really was.

"No, I was thinking there was something I wanted try." If he were a normal seventeen year old boy, his hands would have been sweaty and his heart would have been pounding in his ears. Although Edward wasn't showing the physical signs, he was more nervous at that moment than he had ever been before. After a pause to reassure himself once again that he wouldn't kill her, Edward pressed his lips against Bella's as gently as he could. It was heaven and hell rolled into one. Heaven because he had to believe that was what her lips felt like. Hell, because he had to break the kiss. Edward had proven that he could kiss Bella, but her kissing him back was an entirely different matter. As soon as his lips met hers, Bella returned the kiss with a passion Edward had never thought he would feel. He wasn't ready for that - he still didn't trust himself enough not to hurt Bella in a moment of passion.

_Dialogue taken from Twilight, page 132. _

**xxx**

A thousand memories flooded Edward's mind, each one a blessing and a curse. And, not for the first time, he wondered if he was experiencing hell on earth. How else could he describe having a wife he couldn't change, a temper he couldn't control, and the constant propensity to hurt the only person that mattered to him in this life. Perhaps God did exist; if so, he was one sick bastard.


	6. Chapter 6  Have a Little Faith in Me

**Thanks to everyone who has been reading my fic. I appreciate everyone who takes the time to review. It's great to hear your thoughts and theories about what is going to happen. This is about the half way point in the story, and kids, it doesn't get any better from here, so strap in – it's going to be a bumpy ride. **

**As always, Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight – I just own this plot.**

_Keep__drinkin' coffee_  
_Stare me down across the table_  
_While I look outside_

_So many things I'd say if only I were able_  
_But I just keep quiet_  
_And count the cars that pass by_

_You've got opinions, man_  
_We're all entitled to 'em_  
_But I never asked_

_So let me thank you for time_  
_And try to not waste any more of mine_  
_Get out of here fast_

_I hate to break it to you babe_  
_But I'm not drowning_  
_There's no one here to save_

_Who cares if you disagree_  
_You are not me_  
_Who made you king of anything_  
_So you dare tell me who to be_  
_Who died_  
_And made you king of anything_

_You sound so innocent_  
_All full of good intent_  
_You swear you know best_

_But you expect me to_  
_Jump up on board with you_  
_Ride off into your delusional sunset_

_I'm not the one who's lost_  
_With no direction oh_  
_But you won't ever see_

_You're so busy makin' maps_  
_With my name on them in all caps_  
_You got the talkin' down just not the listening_

_And who cares if you disagree_  
_You are not me_  
_Who made you king of anything_  
_So you dare tell me who to be_  
_Who died_  
_And made you king of anything_

_All my life_  
_I've tried_  
_To make everybody happy while I_  
_Just hurt_  
_And hide_  
_Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn_  
_To decide_  
_  
King of Anything - Sara Bareilles_

Bella woke up the next morning with a feeling of lightness she hadn't experienced in awhile. She wasn't sure if it was having Edward by her side all night, or the intensity of their lovemaking the night before, but her heart didn't feel quite so heavy in her chest. She lay in bed a few minutes, letting her mind clear and thinking about how she was going to spend her last few hours in Forks before she and Edward had to head home. She knew Edward was going hunting again with Emmett and Jasper, while Carlisle was at work, and Esme was working with Habitat for Humanity. Rose and Alice had left for a shopping trip to Paris, so she figured she could spend some time relaxing, maybe read a book or watch a movie, before she went to visit Charlie.

After a few minutes she was feeling awake enough to drag herself to the shower. Once she was showered and dressed she headed down to the kitchen, hoping Edward might have started a pot of coffee for her. She was in luck - a pot of coffee was brewing, and her favorite mug was sitting on the counter by the creamer. While she waited for the coffee to finish, she popped a slice of bread in the toaster and grabbed the butter out of the refrigerator. She was thankful Esme kept the kitchen stocked for her - otherwise she would have to go to the diner every morning for coffee, and that was just too far of a trip before her first cup of caffeine. She was just sitting down with her toast and coffee when Edward walked into the kitchen.

"Good morning, love," he said, kissing her on the top of the head before sitting down across from her at the table. "Did you sleep well?"

"I think it's the best night's sleep I've had in awhile." She smiled at him suggestively. "You wouldn't happen to have anything to do with that?"

"Well," he said, chuckling, "I certainly hope so. You didn't talk much, so I figured I must have done something right."

"Oh, I would say you did several things right," Bella responded, raising her eyebrows.

"In that case, I'll have to do those several things again. And again."

"You better stop that unless you want to finish this conversation upstairs." Bella hoped that's just what they would do.

"As much as I would love to take you up on that offer, Jasper and Emmett are waiting on me. Rain check?"

"I suppose," she replied with an exasperated sigh. "Have fun. So, what time do you want to leave tonight? I'll probably go visit Charlie later today, maybe eat dinner with him if we will still be here."

"That shouldn't be a problem. How do you feel about leaving around seven o'clock?" Edward asked.

"You know Charlie; he likes to eat early, so that should be perfect."

"In that case, I'll see you around seven?" He stood from the table and wrapped his arms around Bella's shoulders.

"Yep, see you later. Love you."

"I love you," Edward replied, kissed her on the top of the head and walked out the door into the back yard.

Bella sat at the table for a few minutes enjoying the silence. Her enjoyment didn't last for long; empty, the Cullen house felt lonely and foreboding. She knew Charlie wouldn't be home - he spent every weekend fishing until at least noon. She packed her overnight back to kill time then wandered back downstairs and contemplated reading. But, it was just too quiet - she couldn't stay in that empty house a moment longer, so she grabbed the keys to the Volvo and headed out the door, locking it behind her.

Her mind drove on auto-pilot and a few minutes later she was pulling into Charlie's driveway. To her surprise, his cruiser was in the driveway - and so was Jacob Black's Rabbit. As she turned off the car, she wondered what Jacob could be doing at her father's house. There was only one way to find out, so she got out of the car and walked towards the house. Charlie opened the door as soon as her foot hit the first stair. She walked into the kitchen and noticed that Charlie's face was drawn in a tight mask and behind him Bella could see that Jacob didn't look much happier.

"Dad, what's wrong? Why is Jacob here?" she asked immediately.

"It's Billy. He's had a stroke - Jacob came by to tell me before I heard it from someone else."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." Her eyes immediately filled with tears. Billy was like an uncle to her, and even though he was in a wheelchair, he seemed so strong and indestructible to her. For a moment, she just stood there, her feet frozen to the floor. Her eyes looked up and met Jacob's - he looked so broken that she couldn't stop herself from walking over to him and wrapping her arms around his waist. Immediately, Bella was assaulted with memories of all the times she had sought comfort in Jacob's arms. His warmth, combined with his woodsy, musky scent, felt like home. She lingered in his arms longer than was probably considered proper for a married woman, but she didn't care. Jake needed her, and she couldn't bring herself to really care about the repercussions when Edward detected his scent on her later.

"Thanks, Bells," Jacob whispered, planting a gentle kiss on the top of her head. "I need to get back to the hospital. It was good to see you." His tone was part wistful, part bitter. No amount of excuses that life was busy would convince Jacob that Edward wasn't keeping them apart. He just kept up the pretense because he was tired of fighting a losing battle.

"Anything you need, Jake, just call," Bella replied, pulling away from their embrace.

"And tell Billy I'll be up at the hospital just as soon as he can have visitors. I know he needs his beauty rest right now." Charlie clapped Jacob on the back a few times before giving his shoulder a squeeze. "Like Bells said, anything you need, all you have to do is call."

"Thanks. I don't know what will happen from here. Carlisle said the stroke was moderate, whatever that means. They were still running tests when I left, so I should get back. Sue is there now, but I want to be there when he wakes up." With one last look at Charlie and Bella, Jake walked out the door. The slump of his shoulders and the listlessness of his step spoke volumes. It had just been Jacob and Billy for so long that Bella feared what would happen if something were to happen to him. She pushed that thought out of her head; Billy would be okay. She couldn't consider any other alternative.

Charlie was ashen when Bella turned away from the door. "It's going to be okay, Dad," she said, giving him a hug.

"He's not that much older than me. I just..." he trailed off, absently rubbing Bella's back.

"Carlisle will make sure he gets the best care; I'll make sure of it." Bella was surprised that Carlise hadn't called her yet, but if he was still treating Billy she didn't want to bother him. She busied herself by gathering up the laundry. Chores might not keep her mind off the situation, but it would help her let out some of the nervous energy. In the back of her mind, she was also wondering when Edward would call. Alice had to have seen her future disappear. Even though she wasn't actively watching her future, there were just some things she couldn't block out. Secretly, she hoped that Alice hadn't called Edward, regardless of what she saw. She would much rather explain the situation to him first hand, instead of having him get upset thinking she was disobeying him and hanging out with Jacob. And then there was the fact that she worried about Charlie. If Billy could have a stroke, so could Charlie. She couldn't think about anything happening to him, so she needed to stay busy.

"You don't need to do that, hon," Charlie said as she came out of the laundry room.

"I know. I just need something to keep my hands busy. After I clean up, I'll start lunch. Well, I should check the pantry first; I'm guessing I'll need to go to the grocery store." Sure enough, after a quick perusal of the pantry, Bella determined that if she wanted to cook anything for lunch, she would need to go to the grocery store first.

"There's plenty of food here - you brought over enough frozen meals to last me a month. We can just heat a couple of those up," he suggested.

"No, I want to cook. I'll just run to the store and pick up a few things. I'll be right back." Bella grabbed her purse from the table, but before she could leave, Charlie stopped her.

"Sweetheart, slow down. I know you're upset about this, but don't worry, I'm fit as a fiddle." Charlie always seemed to be able to cut right to the heart of the matter. He might not favor big displays of affection or share his feelings openly, but he was certainly perceptive.

"Dad, I just couldn't stand it if something happened to you," she cried and flung her arms around his neck.

Charlie was clearly surprised but embraced his daughter, murmuring soft words and patting her back. "Shhh, Bells, I'm okay. There's nothing for you to worry about."

"I know...it's just seeing Jacob like that, thinking that it could have just have easily been you..." her words trailed off into quiet sobs against Charlie's faded flannel shirt. He smelled like Old Spice, the only cologne he would probably ever wear. Much like the rest of his life, Charlie liked constancy. As she grew older, it was more and more of a comfort to her. The world around her changed every day, but Charlie still wore the same flannel shirts he did when she was little and still went fishing every weekend. Though all of the changes in her life, he had been there, unchanging as the tide. Although she was certain of her decision to become a vampire, it still caused her heart to ache knowing she would have to let him go.

"Now, why don't we just go ahead and heat up some food." Charlie separated himself from Bella's embrace and put his hands on her shoulders. "I don't want you driving when you're upset."

"I'm fine," she replied, wiping the tears from her face. "I really do want to cook. It always makes me feel better. I was thinking spaghetti with Nana Swan's sauce recipe and garlic bread."

It was clear Bella wouldn't be dissuaded, so Charlie simply gave her shoulder a squeeze and said, "Sounds great, sweetheart."

Bella turned her face to the cloudy sky as she exited the house, thankful for the cool air on her face. She got in the car and headed to the grocery store, mentally going through her shopping list. It was like she was on autopilot, so when the passenger side door opened as soon as she pulled into a parking spot, she was completely caught off guard.

"Holy shit, Edward. You scared me!"

"Not half as much as you scared me." His expression was placid, his voice calm, but Bella could feel the tension flowing off him in waves.

"What did I do? I've been to my dad's, now I'm here. I don't understand."

"Alice saw you disappear - needless to say it was a rather disturbing development. As far as I know, there is only one reason your future would suddenly go blank."

Bella knew Edward would find out that she had seen Jacob, she just never anticipated it would be from Alice. Why Alice was watching for her future in the first place perplexed and angered Bella. Hadn't they had this conversation already? "Ugh, Alice," she muttered to herself.

"She isn't actively watching you, Bella. But, when you disappear all together…that is a little hard for her to ignore."

"There is no reason she had to call you, though," she retorted. "It's not as if I wasn't going to tell you that I saw Jacob."

"Oh, really," Edward responded, raising one eyebrow in disbelief.

"Yes, and even if I didn't, you would be able to smell him. Anyway, why didn't you call me instead of showing up here and scaring the living daylights out of me?"

"Alice didn't see your future until you were in the car. She could tell you were upset; you know how I worry about you. I had no way of knowing what was going on, if you were hurt, where you were going. I wish you would stop scaring me like this."

"Scaring you? Edward, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. You want to know why I was with Jacob? Billy had a stroke and he went to tell Charlie before he found out from someone else. So, yes, I did see Jacob, but it definitely wasn't a social call. If you would have called me, you would have known that and not overreacted."

"Where Jacob is concerned, I don't think it is possible to overreact. This is just the type of situation he will try to exploit to get closer to you."

Edward's words ricocheted around in her head, and she scrambled to make sense of what he was saying. "You actually think Jake would use his dad's stroke to get in my pants? That's low even for you," Bella spat.

"I didn't say anything about getting in your pants. But, if that is where your mind goes..." His lips lifted in a slight, mocking smile.

"Don't you dare try to turn this around on me, Edward. Jacob loves Billy. No matter what you think of him, there is no way he would ever use this situation for his own personal gain. That's besides the fact that we're married. Jacob isn't going to try and break us up. He might not like you, but he respects that I chose you."

"Oh, Bella. You are still far too trusting and naive. When will you learn that Jacob, no matter what he says, is not over you? He's just biding his time, waiting for the right opportunity to try and take you away from me. You won't even realize it until it's too late, which is why I'm always on guard."

All Bella heard was "trusting and naive." Was that all she would ever be to Edward? She didn't have the wisdom Edward gained from 111 years of living, but she had been through more life experiences than most twenty year-olds she knew. She had faced fear, pain, and death to be with him. She had made the decision to give up everything in her human life to spend eternity with him, yet he still didn't respect her. Perhaps she was trusting, but only to those who deserved her trust. And, perhaps there were some things in live that she was still naive about. But she knew Jacob and she knew, without a doubt, that Edward was wrong.

She also knew that nothing she said would change Edward's mind. His attitude towards Jacob had only hardened as the years passed, and Bella coming to his defense only made things worse. Edward was on guard, protecting his trusting and naive wife, from a threat that only existed in his head. Suddenly, Bella felt very weary; the feeling of lightness she woke up with had dissipated, leaving a heavy sadness in its place.

"Bella, are you even listening to me?" Edward asked, shaking her arm.

"No," she admitted. "And as long as you are being ridiculous, I really have nothing else to say."

"I'm the ridiculous one? I really wish you would take this seriously. Jacob Black is a threat, even if you can't, or won't see it. The sooner you figure that out, the better off we will be."

"Then I guess you better get used to disappointment because you will never convince me Jake is any threat to our marriage."

"I thought you had nothing more to say." She wasn't sure if Edward was trying to be cute, or if he was trying to push her buttons, but Bella had had enough.

"Get. Out," she said, pointing to the door. She tried to keep her voice steady, but she knew her heartbeat had already betrayed her feelings.

"Are you kicking me out of my car?"

"As a matter of fact I am. Charlie is probably wondering what's taking me so long, so I'm going to go in the store, get some groceries and then go cook him lunch."

"Very mature," he scoffed. "Do you still want to head home around seven?"

"That's the plan," Bella answered, crossing her fingers behind her back. Edward exited the car and walked away, shaking his head.

As he walked away she let go of her careful control, not caring if her hands shook or that her breathing was erratic. Sometimes she wanted to just shake Edward until his teeth rattled, slap him until her hand was raw and stinging. It was so easy for him to dismiss her, to treat her like she was a silly little girl. She wasn't a violent person by nature, but over the past several months she had thought about hurting him in one way or another more than once. Bella knew she couldn't go back to Charlie's until she was calmed down, so she took her time buying groceries, carefully selecting tomatoes for the sauce and hunting for whole wheat pasta. By the time she walked back out of the store, she felt collected enough to head back and start making lunch.

After lunch, Bella spent the afternoon with Charlie, trying her best to not let him see how upset she was. He had enough on his mind worrying about Billy, and she didn't want to add to his burden. So, she cleaned up the house and watched football, filling the silence with idle chatter about work and other meaningless conversation. After a few hours had passed, she had managed to push thoughts of Edward and Jacob to the back of her mind. That was, until her cell phone rang.

"Alice," she said, not bothering to mask her irritation.

"I see what you're planning to do tonight. Don't blame Edward for freaking out. I called him, and I might have been panicking just a wee bit. You know this won't make things better, Bella."

She knew Alice was right, but at the moment, she was too angry at Edward to care what his reaction would be. Bella really didn't want to talk about anything in front of Charlie. He would probably get a kick out of the fact that she was going to go home without Edward, but she didn't want have to explain the reason why. Charlie might have accepted that Edward was Bella's husband, but in an argument, he would side with Jacob Black any day of the week.

"I appreciate your concern, Alice. I'll tell Billy you wish him a speedy recovery. Have fun shopping!" Bella hung up before Alice could say anything more. "That was just Alice, calling about Billy."

"Word must travel fast. Didn't you say she was going to Paris?"

"I'm sure Carlisle called Esme, who called everyone else," Bella laughed nervously.

"Well, it was sure nice of her to call. I'm surprised you haven't heard from Edward."

"He was hiking with Jasper and Emmett today, so he probably hasn't heard the news yet. I imagine they will be getting home any time, so I should probably get going. I still have some laundry to catch up on tonight." Bella would rather have stayed with her dad the rest of the night - she knew that Edward probably wouldn't be happy with her when he discovered what she had done. But she also knew that they needed to continue the discussion they had started earlier that day in the grocery store parking lot. Bella had a feeling she would be seeing much more of Jacob in the weeks to come, and she needed Edward to drop the attitude and trust that she and Jacob were nothing but friends.

"Oh, just admit it. Watching football with your old man isn't how you want to spend your Sunday evening," he joked.

"I might not love football, but I still love hanging out with you."

Charlie blushed slightly and stood up from the couch. "Come back soon, Bells."

"I will - you'll starve otherwise," she replied, and gave him a peck on the cheek.

As Bella headed home, she felt a twinge of regret for what she was doing. Not because Edward would be stranded - running home wasn't a problem. No, the real issue was that he would see her action as petulant, and she hated to give him another reason to treat her like a child. But she was just too mad to face him at the moment. Whatever she would face later was worth a few more uninterrupted minutes of peace and quiet. Her fingers tapped nervously on the steering wheel, and her eyes darted to her phone every few minutes. She was expecting a call from him at any moment, unless Alice had given him a heads up on what Bella planned to do. As the minutes passed and Edward didn't call, Bella suspected that she was right and he knew well before she left that she was going home alone.

Bella arrived home assuming that Edward wouldn't be there for awhile. When he was angry with her, it wasn't unusual for him to not come home at all. She grabbed her overnight bag and entered the house, flipping on the kitchen light. She was startled for the second time that day. Edward sat at the kitchen table, hands steepled under his chin, giving her a look that left no doubt he was pissed. She was left caught off guard and reeling - Edward managed to gain the upper hand on her yet again.


	7. Broken Hearts and Shattered Dreams

**Thank you to everyone who reads this little fic. I love each and every review I've gotten. It's awesome to hear your thoughts and speculations as to what might happen. We're at the half way point and things are still not going well for Bella and Edward. This chapter will give you more insight into what has happened to their relationship. I listened to "Jar of Hearts," by Christina Perri constantly while writing this chapter. **

**If you like AH fics, check out "Sinnerman" by Detochkina. It is a beautiful story that really doesn't get enough attention.**

**And, as always, I don't own Twilight.**

_It's not a silly little moment  
It's not the storm before the calm  
This is the deep and dyin breath of  
This love that we've been workin on_

Can't seem to hold you like I want to  
So I can feel you in my arms  
Nobody's gonna come and save you  
We pulled too many false alarms

We're goin down  
And you can see it too  
We're goin down  
And you know that we're doomed  
My dear  
We're slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of  
You were the one I tried to draw  
How dare you say it's nothing to me  
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I'll make the most of all the sadness  
You'll be a bitch because you can  
You try to hit me just hurt me  
So you leave me feeling dirty  
Because you can't understand

We're goin down  
And you can see it too  
We're goin down  
And you know that we're doomed  
My dear  
We're slow dancing in a burnin room

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - John Mayer

"I see you made it home," Bella said, trying to affect an air of nonchalance.

"No thanks to you. What happened to meeting me back at my parents at seven? "

"You really have to ask?" Bella knew she was borrowing trouble, but she had reached the end of her rope with Edward. His jealousy, his superior attitude, his refusal to change her were sharp lashes, flaying away shreds of her dignity with each harsh word.

"Very mature, Bella. We have an argument so you just decide to leave without me?" His voice was biting, but his face showed no sign of his annoyance.

"Maybe it wasn't mature, but you can't really tell me your reaction this afternoon was any better? Seriously, how many times to I have to tell you that Jake isn't a threat to you? I know you don't like him, but you need to at least trust me. I'm so tired of having to defend myself to you. So, forgive me if you had to run home tonight, but I really didn't feel like riding in the car with you."

"I'm not worried about Jacob being a threat to me. It's you I'm worried about. I know how he thinks - he will use every trick in the book to try and break us up-"

"Fuck you, Edward. There are only two choices here; you trust me or you don't. If you don't, then I don't know what we're doing. I love you, but some things have to change."

"And if they don't?" Edward scoffed, looking at Bella expectantly.

"I'm not threatening anything here. Look, I just want you to treat me like an equal. Why is that so hard for you?" Bella knew that, in so many ways, she would never be equal to Edward in her current state. But, as his wife, she deserved to be treated with respect. There was a time, not so long ago that Edward did respect her. In fact, there was a time that she thought their relationship was perfect. But, like a house of cards built on the sand, when the tide came, it all came crumbling down.

**-Flashback-**

Marriage had never been a goal of Bella's growing up. She saw how well it had worked out for her parents and decided that she really didn't need all the heartache. Charlie had never gotten over her mom, while Renee bounced from guy to guy always looking for love. She finally found it when she met Phil, and although their marriage seemed to work, Bella still wasn't sold on the institution. So, when Edward proposed, Bella experienced both shock and horror. She was only eighteen, and in her world a girl who got married at that age was most likely knocked up. She knew it hurt Edward's feelings when she turned him down, but she wasn't stuck in 1918. She wanted eternity with him and didn't understand why they needed to get married to obtain it. Bella's entire outlook changed when Edward promised that if she accepted his proposal, he would change her himself. Bella insisted that it happen before her nineteenth birthday - she did not want to be another human year older than him. She had to admit that being married to Edward wouldn't be horrible. In fact, with the addition of sex to their relationship, she had a feeling it would be down right amazing. So, she let go of her reservations about marriage and looked towards a future where she would be a vampire, bound to Edward for eternity.

To this day, the wedding and reception were a blur in Bella's mind. The honeymoon, well, that she could remember every tiny detail Bella didn't know where they were going on their honeymoon; Edward insisted that it be a surprise. The newlyweds flew from Seattle to Houston to Rio de Janeiro, and then took a taxi to the docks where they boarded a boat that took them to Isle Esme. Bella had no idea that Carlisle had purchased a private island for his wife, but it really didn't surprise her that much; after awhile, anyone would run out of ideas for anniversary gifts. She couldn't see much of the island in the dark, but as they approached the house she could see two bright spots of light in the distance. Edward carried her over the threshold into a huge, white bedroom. Bella's nerves, which had been at a low hum for several hours, suddenly kicked into overdrive when she spotted the king sized bed draped with mosquito netting. Suddenly, she felt awkward. What was she supposed to do? Wait for Edward to make the first move? Look in her suitcase to see if Alice packed her any wedding night lingerie? Bella swore that Edward must have read her mind.

He broke the silence and said, "I was wondering, if..first..maybe you'd like to take a midnight swim with me? The water will be very warm. This is the kind of beach you approve of."

"Sounds nice," Bella replied, her voice shaking. She felt numb and wired at the same time. When Edward offered to give her a few human moments, she was grateful for the solitude. She needed time to collect herself. Edward definitely wouldn't try anything with her if she couldn't manage to pull herself together. So, Bella took a shower, hoping the hot water would loosen her tense muscles and help relax her frayed nerves. It didn't help; she was still terrified. She had no idea what she was doing. How ironic that she had longed for this moment for so long, and now that it was here she couldn't bring herself to walk out the door and join her husband. A few deep breaths and a mental pep talk later, and Bella walked out of the cottage with nothing on except the towel wrapped tightly around her body.

It was so dark that she had to wait a moment for her eyes to adjust to the total blackness. As she looked out into the ocean, Bella finally spotted Edward. He was waist deep in the water; the moonlight illuminated his ivory skin like a beacon in the darkness. She dropped her towel and walked out into the ocean, more nervous than she had ever been in her life. His back was towards her, and all Bella could remember thinking was that his body was more beautiful than any priceless work of art. She had seen him without his shirt before, and the sight never ceased to suck the air out of her lungs. Tonight was no different. Bella focused on the familiar curve of his shoulders and continued putting one foot in front of the other. The closer she got to Edward, the less nervous she was. From the moment she stood beside him and place her hand on his, Bella let go of all her hesitation and doubt.

He broke the silence, whispering, "I promised we would try. If...if I do something wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once."

Bella nodded, looking deep into Edward's topaz eyes before laying her head on his chest. "Don't be afraid," she murmured. "We belong together."

Edward's arms wrapped around her, and although his skin was icy cold, Bella's body was on fire. He pulled them into deeper water; it was now just barely skimming the tops of his broad shoulders. Edward was so unsure, so scared that he would hurt her, that his every touch was so gentle, like a whisper across her skin. But, Bella had had enough of gentle. Edward's head was bent down, and he was peppering light kisses along her shoulder. She brought her hands to his hair, yanked his head up, and looked him in the eye.

"Edward, I've been waiting for this moment for two years. Please, touch me like I'm your wife. You don't have to be afraid of going too far anymore. There is no line left to cross, Mr. Cullen."

"But Bella, I could still hurt- "

She placed two fingers over his lips. "You aren't going to hurt me," she said and silenced any further argument by kissing him like she had always wanted to. Two years of pent up frustration poured out of Bella as she hungrily devoured his mouth. She slid her tongue along his bottom lip and moaned when Edward's tongue touched hers. The feel of his bare skin against hers was driving her wild. Her nerves were on fire every place their bodies touched. Edward cupped the back of her head with his hand and deepened the kiss. He had never kissed Bella like that - she wanted more. Her nipples were hard and aching, so she rubbed them against his cool chest. Edward's kisses slowed and his hand found Bella's breast. He circled her nipple with his finger, then bent forward and dragged his tongue over the pebbled flesh. Bella gasped at the sensation and pressed his head against her breast, urging him to continue.

A part of her brain thought she should be embarrassed at the sounds coming from her mouth, but she pushed the thought aside and lost herself in the sensation of having Edward's hands and mouth exploring her body. Pressed as closely to him as she was, there was no way Bella could miss the feel of his erection against her hip. Of course, it wasn't the first time she had felt Edward's penis - as chaste as they had remained before their wedding, he couldn't completely mask the evidence of his need for her. However, Bella had never felt it without the barrier of clothes. It was hard, yet soft, and though the water was warm, it was cool against her skin. Ever so tentatively, she traced her hand over his shoulder, down his chest and stomach, stopping at his hip bone, where she began to trace figure eight's lower and lower. When she felt a wisp of coarse hair, she sucked in a breath but didn't stop. With more confidence than she was feeling, Bella moved her hand over a few inches and stroked the head of his dick.

"Fuck, Bella," he moaned. Edward never used that kind of language, so as inexperienced as Bella was, she figured she must be doing something right.

Emboldened by his response, she wrapped her fingers around his hard length and began stroking him, experimenting with tightening her grip and increasing the speed of her strokes. Bella wasn't sure how long they stayed in the water, kissing and touching; exploring each others bodies as man and wife, but she was abruptly snapped out of her lust induced haze when Edward secured his arms around her and ran into the house. He placed her on the bed, and before she could speak he was at her side with a towel. Edward dried Bella off, torturing her with touches and kisses as he wiped every last drop of ocean water off her body. When she was dry, he quickly toweled himself off and lay down next to her on the bed.

Bella was crazy with lust, impatient for Edward to touch her. "Edward, please..." She looked at him, hoping the pleading look in her eyes would be enough.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"I have never been so sure of anything in my life. Please, I know you aren't going to hurt me. I want this so much. I want you so much."

Bella closed her eyes, saying a silent prayer that her faith in Edward was not misplaced. She knew if he hurt her in the slightest way, there would be no more intimacy until she was changed. His hand touched her thigh, and Bella sucked in her breath. He trailed his fingers up and down her thigh, inching closer and closer to where she wanted him the most. Bella was no prude; being with Edward and the sexual frustration that entailed had opened her up to the world of masturbation and the wonders of a body rocking orgasm. But, she knew that being touched by Edward would put all of those self induced orgasms to shame.

Finally, his fingers slipped between her thighs. He rubbed her clit, already aching and swollen, in gentle strokes. Bella placed her hand on his and guided his fingers, showing him exactly what pleasured her the most. Edward played her body like he played the piano, confident in his ability to show her the highest peaks of pleasure. He was right - he knew just how to play her. There was nothing like the feel of Edward's lithe, cold fingers bringing her to the edge and back again and again. When he finally let Bella tumble over the peak, the orgasm that ripped through her body was unlike anything she had ever experienced. One of her hands gripped the sheet while the other covered her mouth to muffle her scream. Shewas shaking and panting as she propped herself up on her elbows.

"That...I...never..." Her mind was muddled with thoughts, none of which wanted to form themselves into words at the moment. Giving up, she rose to her knees and placed her hands on both sides of Edward's face. He was wearing a shit-eating grin, well deserved and oh so sexy.

"You are so sexy when you come," he whispered, leaning forward to capture Bella's lips for a passionate kiss.

"Now it's time for me to find out what you look like," she said, looking up at him through the veil of her lashes. She kissed him one more time and lay back down. For the first time, she was able to fully take in Edward's naked body. To say it was beautiful would be a disservice. Bella raked her eyes down his broad shoulders, hard chest, six-pack abs, to the v of his hips. She lingered there just a moment before dipping her eyes down further. She had no idea what to compare his size to, having not seen that many penises before. All she knew was she wanted to know what it felt like inside her. Bella knew she wasn't going to hear angels sing tonight, but she had to get through the first time to get to the really good sex.

A smile twitched at the corner of Edward's lips as he lowered himself down, resting his weight on his forearms. His erection brushed Bella's thigh; she parted her legs in invitation. He lowered his hips further, until the head of his cock was pressed to her entrance. "Please, tell me if I hurt you." He looked at Bella with such love, such longing that her breath caught in her throat. She gave a slight nod of her head and he began to enter her slowly. There was a bit of pain, but the feeling of completeness, the utter rightness of the moment, overrode that slight discomfort. When Edward was fully sheathed inside Bella he stilled.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm perfect," she responded. Bella started rocking her hips, desperate for friction, for the feeling of him moving inside her. Edward began moving his hips, and she wrapped her legs around his waist and moved her hips in time with his. Bella couldn't take her eyes away from Edward's face. His eyes were closed, and he appeared deep in concentration. She hated that he had to work so hard at keeping himself in check, but she couldn't regret the experience they were sharing. Their pace was slow and steady and little by little, the pain between Bella's legs dissipated. She brought one hand from Edward's back and snaked it between her legs. An aching need had replaced the pain, and she could feel the stirrings of another orgasm building in her stomach. Bella had never been a voyeur, but she wanted to watch Edward's cock as it moved in and out. The sight of their joining was indescribable - she and Edward were finally one, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

"Oh, Bella." Edward was watching her as she pleasured herself. She felt sexy for the first time in her entire life. "I'm...oh god. I'm going to come," he said, each word more strained than the last. Bella increased her pace, coaxing her orgasm to spread and finally spark, lighting up her whole body with flames of pleasure. Edward's face was beautiful in the throes of release. His head was thrown back, his eyes were closed, and his perfect mouth was slightly open. Bella had never seen him look so blissful. She couldn't wait until she could see that face again.

Edward let out a strangled cry and buried his head in the pillow next to Bella. All she heard were his muffled cries as his body shuddered, then stilled. He pulled out and lay down behind Bella, clutching her to his chest. "I love you, my Bella, my wife," he whispered, stroking her hair.

Even before he started humming her lullaby, the tendrils of sleep were already pulling Bella under. She managed to mumble, "I love you," before she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

The days that followed were some of the best of Bella's life. After Edward got over his self loathing for leaving bruises on her body that first night, they had sex on every available surface. Edward, having decades of experience reading people's minds, showed Bella positions that she had never even imagined. It was a heaven she never wanted to leave. But, they had to return to Forks eventually. Bella needed to make plans and say her goodbye's before she was changed.

Their plane touched down in Port Angeles on September 1st. Fall was in the air, and Bella regretted not bringing a sweater as they made their way to Edward's Volvo. Bella was excited to call her mother. She would have loved Isle Esme, and Bella promised herself that she would send her and Phil there one year for their anniversary. Her first stop when they arrived home was to see Charlie. She wanted to let him know that she and Edward were home safely and give him the souvenirs she had bought for him in Brazil. By the time they arrived back at the Cullens, the entire family were gathered on the porch. Edward was showered with cat calls and back thumps for finally shedding his virginity. Bella couldn't bring herself to care, since she too was no longer a virgin. Alice grabbed her in a hug with one arm and placed a small box in her hand.

"Happy Birthday!" She was bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet, grinning from ear to ear.

"But, it's not my birthday yet. And, you know how I feel about gifts." Bella pouted.

"Okay, then consider it a wedding present," she said, exasperated. "Oh, and it's from all of us."

Bella rolled her eyes and pulled the wrapping paper from the box. When she opened it, there was a key on a ribbon. She looked at Alice, puzzled. "It's a key."

Emmett snorted. "Master of the obvious."

Rosalie smacked him on the back of the head, gave Bella a tight smile, and said, "Well, let's get on with it."

"Close your eyes!" Alice trilled. "Better yet, get on Edward's back and then close your eyes."

She knew resistance was futile, so Bella did as Alice asked. Edward walked down the stairs and through the yard. "Eyes closed," he chided. "You don't want to ruin the surprise."

The whole family knew how she felt about surprises, but Bella bit down her annoyance and closed her eyes. She could hear the sounds of the forest and the idle chatter of her family as they made their way towards Bella's present. Finally, Edward stopped and helped Bella to her feet.

"Okay, love. You can open your eyes."

She opened her eyes and gasped – she was standing in front of a tiny stone cottage. It was beautiful; honeysuckle covered the walls and roses bloomed under a large picture window. She looked at Edward, too stunned to speak.

"Welcome to our new home, Bella."

Bella immediately burst into tears. Edward swept her up into his arms. "You didn't think we were going to spend the first years of our marriage living with my parents, did you?"

"Thank you so much, everyone," she said, sniffling. Bella gave everyone a hug, whispering her thanks and appreciation. She was married to Edward - they had a house of their own. Once she was changed, her life would be perfect.

Edward and Bella settled into their new home over the next few days. Bella didn't have much to move from Charlie's house: just a few books, clothes, and sentimental items. Her birthday was fast approaching, and she started making final preparations with help from Carlisle and Esme. The thought of eventually faking her own death made Bella sick to her stomach, but she didn't have much choice. So, she watched as Carlisle arranged the details and made a list of things she wanted her parents to have when she was gone. Edward was still being difficult about the whole situation, although he promised to hold up his end of the bargain.

Then, a week before her birthday, Bella received a call that wiped all those preparations from her mind. She and Edward had just settled down to watch a movie when Phil called with news that turned Bella's world upside down. Renee had been hit by a drunk driver on her way home from yoga and was in intensive care at St. Vincent's Medical Center in Jacksonville. She had swelling in her brain, a crushed pelvis, a broken arm and leg, along with countless scrapes and bruises. Phil's voice was raw with emotion as he told Bella that she had been rushed into surgery to alleviate the pressure on her brain. Unspoken was the fact that there was a good chance she might not make it out of surgery at all.

"I have to go to Jacksonville, now," Bella said as soon as she hung up with Phil. She knew Edward had heard every word of the conversation, so she didn't bother explaining the nature of the call. "What if she dies?" she blurted out, suddenly overcome with the fear that she would lose her mother. Bella threw herself into Edward's arms and sobbed. After a few minutes, she composed herself enough to start thinking clearly.

"Okay, I need to book a plane ticket to Jacksonville."

"Done. You leave on the 6:45 a.m. flight tomorrow," Edward said, smoothing Bella's hair behind her ear. Before she could ask how the ticket could have been booked so quickly, he answered her question. "Alice."

"You aren't coming with me?" Bella asked. Tears started to overflow her eyes again. The thought of confronting this situation all alone terrified her. She needed Edward to help her cope with everything that was to come.

"I'll come on a later flight. You won't be going through this alone. I promise." Edward kissed Bella softly and then led her to their bedroom. Alice came over a few minutes later to keep Bella company and help her pack. Without Alice's help, Bella probably would have just thrown a mishmash of things into a bag and shown up in Florida with sweaters, shorts, and no underwear. Her mind was only focused on one thing - getting to her mom.

She didn't sleep much that night. Phil called once to say that Renee pulled through surgery, but her condition was still touch and go. If she was still stable in the morning, she would go back into the operating room to have her pelvis and arm set. It relieved Bella to know she had come through the operation, but until she woke up and Bella could talk to her, know that she was still her flighty, harebrained mother, she would be a mess.

Edward drove Bella to the airport in Port Angeles, holding her hand and reassuring her that Alice would be watching her mother very carefully over the next days and weeks. If she saw anything, positive or negative, Bella would be the first person she would call. Bella tried desperately to cling to the knowledge that Alice would be watching but still boarded the plane with a heavy heart. She was flying to Florida to sit at the bedside of her critically injured mother, without her husband by her side. Even if it was only for a few hours, Bella knew that she would feel alone, adrift, without Edward.

The next days were some of the hardest of her life. By the time Bella arrived at the hospital, Renee was out of surgery. The doctor had been able to relieve the pressure on her brain, and she had been put into a medically induced coma to allow her body to heal. Bella was still at her bedside, keeping vigil with Phil, when Edward arrived late that night. He was her rock - always there to hold her, to tell her everything was going to be okay - and to make sure she ate and slept. It was hard for Bella to leave her mother's side, but it was also important that she didn't wear herself down to the point that she made herself sick. So, Edward and Bella rotated nights at the hospital with Phil. The days went by - the doctor's slowly weaned Renee off the coma inducing medicine, and two weeks after her accident, she woke up. Bella burst into tears when she said her name. Despite the injury to her brain, it was soon clear she was the same Renee - a huge blessing amidst the turmoil of the past weeks.

The road to recovery would be long and difficult. She stayed in the hospital just under two months. After Renee was awake, Bella urged Edward to go home. As much as she would miss him, she knew that staying in Jacksonville was difficult for him. The abundance of sunny days forced him to stay inside, driving him stir crazy almost immediately. Hunting was also more difficult, so he didn't feed as much as he should have. Bella was relieved when he left for Forks; she would have one less worry on her mind knowing he was home. Once Renee was released from the hospital, Bella moved in to help Phil take care of her. With an arm and a leg in a cast, she needed help with virtually everything. So, between the both of them, they were able to make sure her needs were met, while making sure they were also taking care of themselves.

She had been there just over two months when Renee told Bella that she needed to go home. "Baby, I'm so grateful that you came and that you stayed to help Phil, but I think it's time for you to go back to Edward. Phil and I can make it just fine."

"But, your leg is still in a cast - and you have physical therapy for your arm - and next week you go back to see Dr. Baker..." Bella proceeded to rattle off a whole laundry list of reasons she needed to stay with her.

"And Phil is more than able to help me with all of those things. Claire, she's one of the pitcher's wives, has offered to drive me to my appointments if Phil isn't available, so I think we have our bases covered. Really, Bella, I am going to be okay." She wrapped her arms around Bella as she started to cry. How could she leave her crazy, forgetful, still-injured mother?

Bella continued to protest until Renee threatened to call Edward and have him come take Bella back himself. She did miss Edward and longed for her own bed, but saying goodbye to her mother would be hard. Over the weeks they had spent together, Bella thought about her change constantly. Her birthday had come and gone - her deadline for the event passing with barely a thought. Of course, at the time her mom's health was more important than her selfish desires to become immortal. However, thoughts of the day she would become a vampire were never far away. At times Bella despaired because she knew that once she was changed, she wouldn't be able to take care of Renee - or Charlie - if something happened to them. Bella was an only child - who would be there for them when they were old and frail? Who would hold their hand when they drew their last breath? But then she would see how careful Phil was with Renee, or think about how close Charlie was getting with Sue Clearwater, and knew that they would both be okay, with or without her. Bella often wondered if Renee's accident was, in some twisted way, a blessing. It had allowed Bella time with her that she would have never had under normal circumstances. Because of her accident, Bella had been given time to say goodbye to her - nothing was left unspoken between them.

So, it was with a very heavy heart that Bella said goodbye and returned to her life in Forks. She knew it would very likely be the last time she would see her mother in her human life, but she was ready. It was time for Edward to fulfill his promise.

Bella didn't waste any time in resuming her preparations to change. She had turned nineteen - two years older than Edward - and she would not spend another year as a human. She spent more time with Charlie than normal over the next couple of weeks. He was suspicious at first, until Bella told him how much Renee's accident had impacted her, and how she wanted to cherish every moment she could with the people she loved. Christmas was fast approaching, and Bella intended to make it a holiday to remember, since it would be the last, for a few years at least, that she would be able to fully enjoy. As Emmett so cheerily liked to remind her, the first few years after the change Bella would spend her days scheming of ways to slaughter the nearest village. So, she decorated their cottage, even hanging a stocking for both Edward and her on the mantle. Carlisle and Esme invited Charlie over for Christmas Eve, since he was spending Christmas day with Sue and her children Leah and Seth. It was a day full of love and laughter; Bella held each memory close to her heart, hoping she would still be able to recall the details when she became a vampire.

Just after the New Year Bella approached Edward about setting a firm date for her change. Carlisle would need to make a few preparations in advance, and she wanted to make sure she said goodbye to Charlie one last time. Bella expected him to try to talk her out of it, and she wasn't disappointed.

"Bella, Renee isn't even completely recovered. What if she has a setback and has to go back in the hospital?" He was staring at her with that expression that made her feel five years old. "As a newborn, you won't be in the position to be there for her."

She had thought of that, of course. "I know that's a possibility, but she has Phil; she doesn't need me," Bella said sadly.

"You're her only daughter - she and Phil aren't having children - who will take care of them when they can't take care of themselves?"

Edward knew that would get to her. One of Bella's constant worries was what would happen to Charlie and Renee when they couldn't live independently anymore. What he didn't know was that one of the preparations she had made with Carlisle was setting up a fund for each of them, so they would have the money to get the best care possible. They could live in an independent living facility, and if they needed a nursing home, it would be the nicest facility in the country.

"Carlisle brought it up. He knew how much I worried about their futures. With his contacts, he was able to help me set up a trust for both of them. They're taken care of," she whispered.

"And why didn't I know about this? Why didn't you bring it up with me?"

"It was before the accident," Bella replied. "I was going to tell you and then everything got crazy. I'm sorry." She did feel bad that she hadn't told Edward yet.

He blew out a breath, as if he was trying to keep his temper in check. "What about Charlie? He seems to be getting close with Sue. Won't you want to be there if they get married?"

Bella thought he was reaching there but realized he was trying to grasp at any argument to sway her from her path. "In a perfect world, yes, I would. But, there again, knowing Charlie is happy is enough for me. Whether I'm there or not isn't the important thing. The fact that he has Sue to take care of him gives me the strength I need to say goodbye."

"You've really thought this out, haven't you?"

"It's all I've thought about since the day I realized I was in love with you. I know the gravity of what I'm doing - what I'm giving up - and I accept those consequences. Being with you forever is what matters to me the most."

"Let me talk to Carlisle and we'll set a date," he said, defeated.

Inside, Bella was doing a victory dance. Outwardly, she kept a straight face, and simply said, "Thank you."

A week passed, and then two, and Edward still hadn't brought up the date of her change. When Bella asked him about it, he admitted that he hadn't "found the time" to talk to Carlisle. He had been stalling long enough, so Bella called Alice to make sure everyone was home, and then informed Edward that she had some things to discuss with his family. He followed her to the house, trailing behind her, almost as if he knew what was coming. When they walked in the house, everyone was gathered around the seldom used dining room table.

"I gather Alice has probably already told you why I've asked you here. Before I agreed to marry Edward, I insisted on one condition: that he change me before my nineteenth birthday. Renee's accident made that impossible, but now that I'm home and I've made all the preparations I can, I'm ready. You all voted, and the consensus was that you wanted me to be a part of your family - that you supported my decision to become a vampire. I want Edward to change me like he promised before we were married. I see now that isn't going to happen, so I'm asking Carlisle to change me instead." The room was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop on the plush carpet.

"Bella," Edward said quietly, too quietly. "I think we should discuss this in private."

"No, I'm done discussing things with you. It's clear you don't intend to keep your promise, so I am asking your father to give me the one and only thing I want in life."

"Don't do this, please," he asked, moving forward to take Bella's hands in his. She jerked away; his face blanched. She didn't think that she had ever rebuffed his touch before.

"Carlisle, I know this isn't an easy request, but you know how much this means to me. Please." Bella closed her eyes to hold back the tears that were threatening to break free. She needed to be strong. She knew that Edward would pounce on the first sign of weakness and try to use it against her.

"You're right - this isn't an easy request. I think I would like a few moments to discuss this with the rest of the family. You two can return home, and I will call you when we have reached a decision."

"Thank you," Bella said, looking each person at the table in the eye before leaving.

"You can't...this isn't...please, don't get involved." Edward shook his head and walked out the door - cutting off any further discussion. Bella had a feeling she wouldn't see him for awhile, which was fine with her. At the moment, she really didn't want to have anything to do with him.

She walked home and sat on the bench in the little garden next to the house. There was nothing more she could do - it was up to six vampires to decide her fate. She knew Rose would fight against Carlisle changing her, but she hoped that the rest would realize how much she needed this and agree that it was for the best. Edward was their son, their brother, but his behavior was wrong; surely they could see that.

An hour later, Bella's cell phone rang. It was Carlisle. A decision had been made. She walked to the main house slowly, trying to keep her expectations realistic. Hope for the best but expect the worst, right? Everyone was in their same spots in the dining room, only this time Edward was at the table as well.

"Bella, please have a seat." Carlisle gestured to a seat next to Edward and waited for her to sit down before continuing. "We discussed your request and have come to the decision that this is something that you and Edward need to work out as husband and wife. We all agree that he has broken his promise to you but nothing good will happen if I change you. Alice has looked at all the possible outcomes, and in each and every case...let's just say it's not a future you want."

Edward let out his breath. "Thank you, Carlisle."

"Don't thank me yet, son. I have to say that I, and the rest of the family-"

"Besides me," Rose interjected.

"Yes, besides Rose, we are all very disappointed in you. You made a promise to change Bella, a promise you are now breaking. We understand how conflicted you are about changing her, but a promise is a promise. Your mother and I certainly hope that you give this issue some serious thought. Just because we decided against changing her doesn't mean we're on your side."

Although Bella heard the conversation going on around her, she felt like she wasn't really in the room. The reality that her family had decided against changing her tore at her heart, making it feel like it was wrapped in barbed wire that tightened more and more with each passing second. Hearing that they were disappointed in Edward did nothing to soothe the sting of rejection. Bella was stuck a mortal, fragile, weak human being, and she didn't see a way out.

She got up from the table and walked out of the room without saying a word. She could hear Alice and Esme calling for her, but she didn't turn around. There was nothing they could say that would make her feel better. She stood just outside the dining room for a moment, contemplating going back in to tell them how disappointed she was in them, when Edward spoke.

"Your disappointment in me aside, I'm grateful for your decision."

"Bro, can't you see what this is doing to Bella?" Emmett started. "Every day she's slipping away a little more. She is not the same Bella you married, man."

She was instantly grateful to Emmett. The bond they had formed over the last year was unexpected. Although their differences greatly outnumbered our similarities, somehow they worked. "Like peas and carrots," Emmett liked to say.

"As much as I hate to say it, you did make a promise to her. I might not agree with it, but you shouldn't make promises you know you aren't going to keep. I mean, you basically tricked her into marrying you." She was surprised that, however grudgingly, Rose supported her.

"Darling, you promised her that you would change her. A promise is sacred. By breaking that promise, you're breaking your trust with Bella. A break in the trust between husband and wife can become irreparable very quickly." Esme spoke with such gentleness it belied the weight of her words. Bella was sure her disapproval hit Edward hard - not that he apparently cared.

"Bella is my best friend. If every outcome I saw wasn't disastrous, I would change her myself. You're acting like a selfish ass." Bella smiled, knowing she could always count on Alice to be on her side.

"Enough," Edward said, slapping the table. Bella heard a crack and a groan from Esme. Another table broken. "I can read your minds - I know what you all think of me, so the 'gang up on Edward' routine is really not necessary. I would appreciate it if you would all just stay out of our marriage. I know you're concerned about Bella - far more than myself it seems - but this is really none of your business-"

Bella didn't want to listen to whatever else Edward had to say. There were no words that would justify his betrayal. She walked home, but instead of going in the house, she got in her truck and headed for town. She wasn't sure where she would go - not that she had many options. The only thing she knew was that going home and facing Edward was the last thing she wanted to do. She ended up driving around aimlessly and eventually stopped at the diner for coffee. Edward called her cell phone several times and each time she pressed Ignore. Finally, she sent him a short text letting him know where she was and that she didn't want to be bothered. Thankfully, he left her alone after that. She sat there until the diner closed, vacantly staring out the window and trying to decide what she was going to do now that her last hope had been extinguished.

Nothing was the same after that day. Edward became more sullen, withdrawn. The tension between them never really dissipated, they just got good at pretending it wasn't there. They argued more often and always over the smallest things because neither one of them could talk about the real issue. As much as Bella tried, she couldn't help but feel a certain amount of resentment towards the family. Logically, she understood that Alice's visions were bad enough that they couldn't step in, but her heart was crushed that they had refused to help her. Looking back, Bella realized she should have done so many things differently. Instead, she withdrew into her shell, waiting patiently for Edward to realize how wrong he was not to change her. In hindsight, she knew it was the beginning of the end.

_Dialogue in honeymoon scene taken from Breaking __Dawn_

**xxx**

Edward sat at the table, picking lint off his sweater, acting as if he didn't have a care in the world. Bella knew that he heard every word she said, but when he didn't respond, she decided to prompt him.

"So, you have nothing to say?"

"I don't know what you expect me to say. When you act like a petulant child, I'm going to treat you as such. And right now, you're not acting very deserving of my trust."

Bella felt the tears prick behind her eyes, and her first instinct was to leave the room. She wasn't sure how much of Edward's abuse she could take without completely breaking down. It drove her crazy that no matter what she said, Edward always had to one up her. What would it take, she wondered, for her to get through to him? What would it take for him to fulfill his promise?

"Edward, you sit there and berate me for breaking your trust when you've broken the most important promise you've ever made to me. If you want to talk about petulant children, I think you need to look in the mirror."

With that, Bella turned her back on Edward, not waiting for a response. She was sure that whatever it was wouldn't be anything that she needed to hear. She climbed the stairs to their bedroom, feeling empty and numb. Before she reached the top stair, she felt the air swirl around her, and Edward spun her around to face him.

"How dare you just walk away from me. I'm not done with this conversation." He was gripping her arm tightly; she would have a bruise on her arm the next morning. Staring at her husband, she realized she didn't recognize the man standing in front of her. This was not the kind, gentle man who promised to love her every day of forever. The fear that Edward would never be that man again sliced through her chest like a dull knife, leaving a gaping, jagged wound in her chest.

"Get your hands off me," Bella said, pulling away from him. It was impossible to escape his grasp, but the message she was sending was very clear. "And I can walk away from you any time I damn well please. Talking to you is like talking to a brick wall - sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Nothing I say affects you in the least."

Edward dropped his hand and looked at Bella with a curious expression. "Really? You call lying to me about going to a strip show 'talking,' or failing to tell me about your encounter with Jacob, or leaving me behind today? Those things don't sound much like talking. Please, explain to me what I'm missing." He traced a finger down Bella's face from her temple to her chin, his expression chilling. In an instant, she realized that she was fighting for a love that might not even exist. With a clarity she hadn't experienced before, Bella realized that she was clinging to the vestiges of what they used to be, instead of facing the reality of what they were now. And the reality was that they were farther apart than they had ever been.

She flinched at his touch and moved up to the next step to put some distance between them. "You're missing the point. You don't listen to me. Sure, you hear what I'm saying but nothing ever changes. If we actually communicated, you wouldn't throw this shit in my face because we would have moved passed it by now. I just don't know what to do to get through to you anymore."

"Bella, why can't you understand that everything I do is to protect you?"

"I don't need protecting! I need a husband who communicates with me - who respects me." Bella was sick of Edward justifying everything he did under the excuse of protecting her.

"Perhaps if you weren't constantly putting yourself in compromising situations, you wouldn't need protecting. Being surrounded by vampires, I think sometimes you forget you're human."

"Oh, that is something you will never let me forget. But, we could make this whole situation much easier if you changed me."

"No."

Bella had heard the expression "seeing red" before, but she had never experienced it herself. But, with that one word, she knew exactly what it meant. She wasn't sure what sick game Edward was playing, but she'd had enough. All she could hear was the blood pounding in her head; rage consumed her senses, driving her to the brink of madness. She needed to let out her anger before it consumed her. She could hear Edward calling her name, but it sounded as if he was at the end of a tunnel, instead of right in front of her. She slowly turned around, knowing there was a vase sitting on a table in the hall right behind her. As she turned to face Edward, his eyes turned from concerned to humorous.

"Set the vase down, Bella. I know you're mad at me, but breaking a vase won't make you feel any better." He stood still, evidently not believing his wife would actually hit him with a vase.

"Oh, it won't?" She lifted the vase over her head and swung it as hard as she could at Edward. She knew it wouldn't hurt him, but just the look on his face made destroying the vase worth it. "Yep, I feel better," she said and this time when she turned around, Edward didn't follow her.

Once she reached their bedroom and shut the door, all of the adrenaline seemed to rush out of her body. She didn't think she had ever felt so alone in her life. Before she met Edward, she didn't have many friends, but she was comfortable in her solitude. She had spent her whole life never feeling as if she fit in anywhere and had accepted it. But when she met Edward, she realized that she belonged in his world, that she needed the constancy, acceptance, and love that he and his family brought to her life. Despite her reservations, Bella had agreed to marry Edward because it was something important to him. He grew up in a different era, where marriage was the ultimate way to say I love you. When he finally agreed to change Bella if she married him, she couldn't deny him. If marriage brought him happiness and ensured that she would spend eternity with him, it was worth overcoming her fears.

Marriage to Edward also brought her the family she had always wanted and the acceptance she craved. The fact that her marriage was falling apart wasn't what bothered her the most. No, what terrified her was that her whole existence was disappearing before her eyes. What would she have without their family, without the sense of belonging she felt by being a part of something so special? Just the thought of it made her feel like a hollowed out shell. Her life finally meant something, and now she was faced with giving all up. She had been so wrapped up in the fights and the struggle to save their marriage that she lost track of what really mattered: their love. Without Edward's love, without their family, she had nothing left.

What hurt Bella the most was that she was willing to give up everything to be with Edward. She had come to grips with saying goodbye to her parents and severing all contact with the few friends she had so that she could share eternity with him. Nothing in her human life was important enough that she would turn her back on Edward. Eternity with him was worth each and every sacrifice she would have to make. It pained her that he found it so easy to break his promise and brought up all of her old fears and doubts until she wondered if he had ever really loved her at all. She had never felt good enough for Edward and the fact that he refused to make her his equal left her hurt, then angry and resentful. Because of his selfishness, she was losing everything that she fought so hard to have - a loving, supportive family and a beautiful future with her soul mate, full of mutual love and adoration. Instead, for the second time in her life, she was facing the prospect of losing both. She had lived through losing Edward and his family once, but she wasn't sure if she could go through that again. So, if leaving Edward to protect herself was what she had to do, she would pick up the shattered pieces of her heart and move on. Emotionally, she might never recover, but she couldn't let herself fall apart like she did when he left her in high school.

It killed her to think about a life without Edward - without the family that she loved. How would she say goodbye to Carlisle and Esme, who had come to mean as much to her as her actual parents? What would her life be without the teasing of Emmett, or the dry humor of Jasper? She had just begun getting close to Rosalie, and Alice - she was truly the sister of her heart. She knew that leaving Edward would mean leaving more than her husband; it would mean saying goodbye to the world she once hoped to belong to. She could try to delude herself that she could keep in contact with Edward's family, but she knew that wouldn't be possible. Each conversation would be a reminder of the life she lost, of the dreams she abandoned. Her fairytale was fading away, and she was terrified there was nothing she could do about it. 

After slipping into her pajamas, she locked the bedroom door and lay down. A locked door wouldn't keep Edward out, but she hoped he would get the hint. She had a lot of soul searching to do tonight, and having him anywhere near would do nothing to help her. Even furious at him - even contemplating life without him - his presence broke down her defenses in a way she couldn't afford. The bed felt too large and very empty when she slipped between the covers - it was a feeling Bella knew she might have to get used to very soon.


	8. Chapter 8  Before the Fall

**Thanks to everyone who is reading, and to the few, faithful who are taking the time to let me know what they think of the story! Things get darker from here, so grab a blankie and hold on tight.**

**I would be remiss if I didn't thank everyone who helped make this chapter possible, including my beta extraordinaire LauraLoo and my awesome pre-readers DK and Mkystich.**

**I don't own Twilight, just this plot.**

_He drowns in his dreams, an exquisite extreme I know  
He's as damned as he seems and more Heaven than a heart could hold  
And if I try to save him my whole world could cave in  
It just ain't right, Lord, it just ain't right_

Oh, and I don't know, I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful, he's such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on through the tears and the laughter  
Lord, would it be beautiful or just a beautiful disaster?

He's magic and myth, as strong as what I believe  
And a tragedy with more damage than a soul should see  
But do I try to change him? So hard not to blame him  
Hold me tight, baby, hold me tight

Oh, and I don't know, I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful, he's such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful or just a beautiful disaster?

I'm longing for love and the logical but he's only happy hysterical  
I'm searching for some kind of miracle, waiting so long, I've waited so long  
He's soft to the touch but frayed at the ends he breaks  
He's never enough and still he's more than I can take

Oh, and I don't know, I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful, he's such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful or just a beautiful disaster?

_Beautiful Disaster – Kelly Clarkson_

Bella tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable as she wrestled with the travesty her relationship with Edward had become. All this time she had clung to the lie that things would get better - that Edward would realize that changing her was the only option. She wasn't sure why it had taken her this long to realize that things were probably never going to be any different. He had always told her that vampires were unchangeable - that once something altered their being, they stayed that way for eternity. Was he the one exception to that rule, because he had changed dramatically from the man who had vowed to love, honor, and cherish her forever. Perhaps it was because she was a human - there weren't many human/vampire relationships that she could use for comparison. If that was the case, it was all the more reason that he should change her. If she was more like him, perhaps that unchanging part of his nature would emerge and they could begin to heal the rift between them.

But, it had been three years, and she was still human. How long should she wait for something that might never happen? She couldn't live her life waiting, anticipating an outcome that wasn't guaranteed. She couldn't get back the years she spent waiting - did she want to waste more of her time, more of her heart, and have nothing to show for it? Or, did she want to move on, try to pick up the shattered pieces of her heart and start a new future? Nothing but impossible choices loomed before her, but there was no time left for denial. She couldn't flip the hour glass over, but she could salvage the rest of the years she had ahead of her. Thinking of a life without Edward was like thinking about being blind and deaf. She didn't know how to exist without him. Despite all of the hurt and disappointment he had heaped at her feet, she still loved him with a passion she didn't fully understand. How could you love someone so much that the absence of them sucked all the air out of your lungs and made you feel like your body was tearing in two? How could you love someone so much that even when they tore you down to nothing, you still couldn't bring yourself to leave?

It was all too much for Bella to handle, so she picked up a book from her night stand and tried to read. She couldn't focus on the words and had to read each sentence at least twice before it made sense. Finally, the words started to get blurry and she fell into a fitful sleep. As she slept, she dreamt of Edward - his skin sparkling in the sunshine as he looked at her like he used to - like she was the most perfect thing in the world. His hand was warm in hers, and when she brought it to her lips, she noticed that her skin matched his. Joy flooded her senses - she was a vampire. Then, the alarm went off, jolting her awake. She fumbled for her phone, dropping it on the floor before finally becoming coherent enough to find the off button. Edward's side of the bed was still made, and her heart ached as the dream came rushing back. She was still human, still stuck in an impossible situation, and still had to go to work.

She threw off the covers and sat up, feeling like she had been "drug through a knot hole backwards", as her Nana used to say. There was no way she got more than a few hours of sleep, and by the way her head ached, she knew it was going to be a long day. This week, Bella was working seven to five, which gave her Friday, Saturday and Sunday off. It was only Monday, and she was already praying for her weekend to start. Friday was Halloween, and she was going to Forks to hand out candy at her dad's house. He was always out and about that night, reigning in what little mischief there was and handing out candy at the police station. Bella had started handing out candy when she moved in with him, and had kept it up even after she married and moved away. Most years Edward went with her - most often dressing up like a vampire - but this year, she was going alone. She wasn't going to let him ruin two weekends in a row.

After getting ready for work, she walked downstairs, listening to the silence echo around her. As she rounded the corner into the kitchen, she knew Edward was gone. It didn't take her drifting through the house to feel the absence of his presence. She felt the familiar hollowness that came when they were apart. Bella wasn't sure if she should be relieved she didn't have to face him, or upset that he didn't care enough to talk to her. There was a time that going to bed angry wasn't an option; these days it seemed like the only option. There was one bright spot to her otherwise depressing Monday. She and Angela were meeting for lunch at their favorite bistro. Even if she had to hold back much of the truth, Bella always felt better after talking things through with Ang. She was a good listener, never interrupting, and only offering advice if Bella asked. Most important of all, she never judged. Bella wasn't sure if she was going to mention anything to Ang about her troubles with Edward. It would be nice to just chat with her best friend about normal, everyday things; to have a few minutes of her day that she wasn't focused on her troubles.

By the time lunch rolled around, Bella was desperately in need of a break. Apparently a wedding party that had stayed at the lodge over the weekend caused extensive damage to their bridal suite, so she was charged with both arranging the necessary repairs and calling the groom's parents, who had booked the suite. They were quite unhappy to find out they would be responsible for the repairs, which would be quite expensive. So, meeting Angela for lunch was a welcome reprieve from her crazy day. As soon as the clock on her computer hit noon, Bella grabbed her purse and practically sprinted out of the Lodge. It was only a five minute walk to the bistro, so she was seated and had ordered drinks by the time Angela arrived.

"You look like you need a shot of rum in that Coke," Angela said, as she stowed her purse under her chair and sat down across from Bella.

"Seriously, you have no idea. This day has been shit since the minute I walked into work. To top it off, I'm working ten hour shifts this week. Shoot me now and put me out of my misery, please."

"Then who would I meet for lunch?" Angela teased. "Besides, you can go home tonight and work out all that frustration on your gorgeous husband." She winked.

"Good point." Bella laughed, but it sounded forced even to her own ears.

"Is there something you want to talk about, Bella?" Angela asked. "You know you can talk to me about anything."

This was the moment Bella had been dreading. She had wanted so badly to avoid the topic of Edward all together that she contemplated brushing Angela off. She wouldn't push Bella to talk, but now that Angela suspected something was wrong, Bella thought it would be better just to get it out in the open. The waiter came by to take their order, which gave her a few moments to figure out what she was going to say.

"Edward and I have been fighting lately. I just don't know what's going on with him. One minute he's the perfect husband, and the next I can't do anything right. I feel like I've been living on a roller coaster of emotions, and there is no end in sight. I'm really scared he doesn't love me anymore."

Now that it was out in the open, Bella felt a bit lighter. It was so hard to hold everything inside day after day, pretending things were fine, when she wanted to scream that the sky was falling.

"Oh, Bella," Angela replied, reaching out her hand to cover Bella's. "Anything you need, I'm here." Their lunch arrived, and Bella spent a few minutes pushing her salad around the plate. She wasn't sure what to say to Angela. She hated lying to her, but there was no way she could tell her how bad things really were.

"Thank you. I'm hoping things will get better. But if they don't..." She let her sentence die, not willing to complete the thought. Thinking it to herself was one thing, but speaking it aloud made it real.

Angela seemed to sense that Bella didn't want to dwell on the what ifs. "Edward loves you. I'm sure things will get better. After all you two have been through, you'll find a way back to each other."

Bella wanted to believe Angela; she wanted to have faith that their love was strong enough to overcome even this. The alternative was a life where she would never feel complete, never love so freely. "Thanks, Ang. You always know what to say to make me feel better. I'm sorry to be such a downer. I'm sure you weren't expecting to deal with emo Bella over your lunch hour."

"Don't apologize. I'm your friend - I want you to talk to me about this stuff. Friendships don't mean much if we can't be there for each other during the tough times. Anytime you need to talk about this, I'm just a call or text away."

"I will," Bella replied, looking down at her watch. "Looks like we've got just enough time to eat and get back to work. If this afternoon isn't better than the morning, you might be bailing me out of jail. I don't know how much more crap I can put up with today."

"You know my number," Angela said. "So, tell me about the drama at work."

They spent the remaining minutes of their lunch hour talking about work and finishing their food. By the time she returned to work, Bella didn't feel quite so alone in the world. Her problems were still there, looming larger than ever, but knowing she had Angela to lean on was a welcome relief. Unfortunately, her afternoon was no better than her morning. It seemed the universe was conspiring to create problems for her at every turn. She watched the clock tick past five o'clock, angry that she couldn't leave yet. It seemed she was the only one working at the Lodge that evening that had any sense. With each minute that passed, Bella's attitude got blacker and her words got snippier. Finally, when she thought that Angela really might have to bail her out of jail later, she was given permission to leave. She collected her things and headed to her car, sucking in the crisp fall air. However, her happiness at leaving work was short lived. She had been so focused on work that she had actually forgotten about her problems at home. Considering the last interaction she had with her husband involved her hitting him with a vase, she wasn't sure she really wanted to go home at all.

The house was dark when she pulled in the driveway, which didn't necessarily mean that Edward wasn't home. As the garage door rose, she could see that his car wasn't in the driveway. Relief flooded her body as Bella realized she wouldn't have to deal with another confrontation. All she wanted to do was heat up some leftovers, take a bath, and go to bed. She didn't even care if Edward came home that night or not. In fact, she wondered if what they both needed was a break - a few days to calm down and regroup before they tried talking about their latest argument. But, the next morning when she woke up she didn't feel any better. She was still anxious and upset at Edward, and the fact that he hadn't contacted her in over twenty four hours didn't help. Work was a disaster - Bella couldn't seem to focus on anything for more than a few minutes before her mind started wandering to where Edward could be. She had just left to grab some lunch when her phone rang.

"Hello." She answered the phone without even looking at the caller I.D., hoping against hope it would be Edward. Even if he was mad, she would know he was safe.

"I don't know what's going on with you two, but Edward's driving us up the wall. Please, call him; convince him to come home." It was Emmett, and he sounded desperate.

Bella first felt relief, then annoyance. "As much as I regret the inconvenience he's causing, I'm not going to beg Edward to come home. If he wants to run away and act like a child, that's his choice."

"Pretty please? If he keeps this up, I swear I'm going to rip his arm off and beat him with it. What's going on with you two anyways?" Bella could hear the rapid clicking of buttons; Emmett was probably playing a video game. Even though he had beat just about every game, he still played them over and over again. He really was just an over grown kid. She unlocked her car and started the engine. There was a chill in the air, and she had forgotten to wear a coat.

The thought of Edward getting beat with his own arm was amusing; however, she didn't want to cause their problems to come between Edward and his family. "It's too much to explain over the phone. Just put him on and I'll try to get him to come home," Bella sighed.

"Thank God," Emmett replied. "Eddie - get your ass in here, your wife wants to talk to you."

She heard more clicking and cursing from Emmett before she detected Edward's voice in the background. A moment later, he came on the line.

"I assume you're calling to apologize," he stated with no hint of emotion in his voice.

Bella sucked down a nasty retort. "I'm calling to ask you to come home. After what happened Sunday, it's obvious we have a lot to talk about. I love you Edward, and I want to work this out, but we can't do it if you refuse to come back, please." _Please, give us one more chance,_ she prayed to a God she wasn't sure she believed in anymore.

"Bella, I don't think coming home right now is a good idea. It seems like all we do lately is fight. I'm still angry at you, and I'm afraid that if I come home now, I'm just going to say something I'll end up regretting and make things worse. I know you're coming to Forks this weekend. You could pick me up on your way home Sunday and we could talk."

Her heart dropped to her stomach as her brain processed his words. "You're not coming back," she said, her voice no more than a whisper.

"It's for the best. You threw a vase at me yesterday; do you really want me to come home today? I figured you would agree that we need some space. It's not even a week." Edward was using his "I know best, just agree with me" voice, signaling his mind was made up. He would not be coming home.

"If you think it's for the best, who am I to argue?"

"Don't make this harder than it has to be, love. It's only for a few days." Now he was using his, "let's calm Bella before she has a break down" voice.

"I'm not trying to make this difficult. It's just that we've never been apart this long. I know things are rough right now, but I do love you; you know that, right?" Bella was barely able to hold back the desperation in her voice. She was holding on by a gossamer thread, but her pride wouldn't allow her to beg. She would just have to suck it up and hope that Edward was right and the next few days would give them the distance and perspective they needed to begin to break through the wall that was forming between them. She didn't want to think what would happen when the thread snapped and there was nothing left to break her fall.


	9. Chapter 9  Forsaken

**I know I sound like a broken record – but a big thanks to everyone who reads and reviews this little fic of mine. You guys rock my socks! I love hearing your thoughts and predictions about what is going to happen. Hopefully I keep you guessing until the very last line ;) This is a longer chapter, chock full of angst – hope you like it!**

**I don't own Twilight, just this twisted plot.**

**October 2009**

_Don't tell me, I don't wanna hear about it  
Keep all of that to yourself  
You try to be, so different  
You're just like everyone else_

_Eden has burned out baby  
Your Camelot's falling down  
There's nothing but rubble and ashes  
Scattered out on the cold, hard ground_

_You were, so special  
And now you're nothing at all  
You're down in, my trenches  
You're late for the midnight ball_

_Eden has burned out baby  
Your Camelot's falling down  
There's nothing but rubble and ashes  
Scattered out on the cold, hard ground_

_You told me, it was alright  
You were gonna make it back on time  
You're reaching, for something  
Don't you think it's time you stopped, cause_

_Eden has burned out baby  
Your Camelot's falling down  
There's nothing but rubble and ashes  
Scattered out on the cold, hard ground_

_Eden Burning/Camelot Falling - The Mike Mcclure Band_

Bella wasn't sure she could wait a week to see Edward. She wasn't sure if Edward really wanted the distance to figure things out or if he was just looking for an excuse to stay away. She hoped he wanted things to get better - that was certainly her goal. But, it seemed they had come to the point they were both standing their ground, not willing to give an inch. Could they ever get back to where they were before, or were they already too far gone? Either way, she knew it was going to be a very long week. The only thing she had to look forward to was going to visit Charlie over the weekend, but even that visit would not let her escape Edward. He was everywhere she looked, every thought she had. How, she wondered, would she ever be able to let go and move on?

The next morning, she sent Angela a text, letting her know that Edward was staying at his parents' for the week. It just felt better to talk about it, even if she couldn't tell Angela half of the story. Of course, Ang was concerned and invited her over to her and Ben's apartment for dinner. As much as she didn't want to be alone, Bella knew she wouldn't be very good company. To placate Angela, she did agree to drinks one night after work. The days went by, and the dead feeling in her chest grew a little more each day. Edward didn't call or text, and Bella wasn't going to initiate contact. The last time she tried that, Edward decided staying with his family was more appealing than coming home to his wife. If he didn't want to talk to her until Sunday, she would just have to find a way to get through the days until she could see him again.

Tuesday was a brutal day at work. She hadn't slept much the night before, which made her ten hour shift almost unbearable. She called Angela to schedule drinks for Wednesday night, hoping she would be able to get some sleep and be better company the next day. Unfortunately, she tossed and turned that night as well. She had gotten used to going to bed without Edward beside her, but knowing that he wouldn't be coming back, that she wouldn't wake up next to him, left her anxious and upset. She lay in bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to figure out how to make things right. The problems she and Edward were facing were not of her making, but she wasn't sure Edward was capable of righting things on his own. His love for her had turned to a dark, bitter jealousy, twisted by his fear of losing her and his seeming abhorrence of her humanity. If they were ever going to find their way back to each other, Bella was going to need to help him rediscover the man he used to be.

Her work day on Wednesday was equally as bad as the day before, and although she really didn't want to go for drinks with Angela, she didn't want to cancel their plans. So, she showed up at Fat Willy's and listened while Angela filled her in on her day and gossip that she had heard about some of their high school classmates. Luckily, she didn't push Bella to talk. After a few drinks, they parted ways - neither one of them were big drinkers, so more than a couple of vodka tonics would land them both flat on the floor. Once again, sleep alluded Bella and Thursday was just an extension of her awful week. She tried her best to focus on work and not think about Edward, mostly failing at both. That night after work, instead of going home, she drove to Forks. She blasted Muse all the way there, singing at the top of her lungs. It was probably the only time that week that she had actually felt normal. She knew it wouldn't last - memories of Edward would assault her as soon as she arrived at Charlie's.

"Hey, Dad, " she called as she walked in the kitchen. She could hear the television - it sounded like he was watching a football game.

"In here, Bells."

"Do you need anything from the kitchen while I'm here?" she asked.

"Would you grab me a Vitamin R?"

Bella grabbed two beers out of the refrigerator and went to join her dad. She wasn't the biggest fan of beer, but she enjoyed sharing with him on occasion. "Here ya go." She handed Charlie the beer and gave him a quick kiss on the forehead.

"How ya doin', kid?"

She wasn't sure how to answer that - the truth wasn't an option. How was she supposed to tell her father that her husband hadn't come home all week? No, a lie, she figured, would be the better option.

"Eh, work sucked, other than that, I'm fine. What about you? Been chasing bad guys?"

"Nah, it's been pretty slow, like normal. Been playing a lot of rummy - you know, the usual."

Charlie went back to watching the game, and Bella tried to pay attention. She really didn't know anything about football, so she mostly asked questions, trying to show some interest. The problem was that she wasn't versed in football terminology, so she wasn't really sure what questions to ask. Finally, Charlie turned away from the television, setting his beer down on the well worn table next to him.

"Bells, I know you hate sports. We can watch something else, or if you have somewhere you want to go, don't think you have to stay here with me. I'm sure you'd rather hang out with Alice than watch football with your pop."

"No, I'm beat - I think I'll just hang out here and go to bed early. By the way, you haven't told me how Billy is doing. Is he out of the hospital yet?"

"Jake called me today and said if all goes well, he'll get to go home on Saturday. He'll still need some rehab, but Jake or one of the other guys on the rez can take him to his appointments. I'll probably be over there most of Saturday and Sunday. If you would like to come with me, I'm sure Billy would be glad to see you. And, you could catch up with Jake. You two don't seem to spend much time together these days."

Bella was about to make an excuse for why she couldn't visit the rez on Saturday before she realized that there was no good reason for her not to go. If Edward thought they needed time apart, he couldn't expect her just to sit around and mope. She knew how he felt about Jake, and when he found out where she was, he would probably be angry, but at the moment, she just didn't care. He was the one who left her alone, so he would just have to deal with the consequences. She would go to the rez with her dad, have a good time, and let the cards fall where they may.

"Thanks. I think I will. I'll make something to take over for dinner, too. We can make a day of it." She was already looking forward to walking on First Beach, watching the waves lap against the shore, smoothing the sand until it shone an opalescent brown. It had been too long since she smelled the salty air, or lingered near the tide pool, watching the water ripple and hoping to see a starfish. Yes, a day at the rez, surrounded by friends and family was exactly what she needed to lift her spirits, to remind her that there was still good in her life.

The smile on Charlie's face was all she needed to see to confirm that she had made the right decision. She sat with him a few more minutes before telling her father goodnight and climbing the familiar stairs to her bedroom. It was just as she left it the last time she had visited. She took a t-shirt and a pair of underwear out of the dresser, grabbed her toiletries from her bag, and headed to the tiny bathroom down the hall for a shower. She stayed in the shower until the water started to cool, enjoying the feel of the warm spray on her skin. If only the water could cleanse away all of her fear and desperation, but no matter how long she stayed in the shower, she knew nothing would be swirling down the drain except water.

As she crawled in bed, Bella couldn't help but think of Edward and all the nights they had spent together, talking until Bella fall asleep snuggled to his side. She almost went to the window and opened it up, hoping that maybe Edward might be missing her enough to climb up the tree outside and sneak in her room like he did back when things were still so simple, so uncomplicated. But, deep in her heart, she knew Edward wouldn't come. He might have told her, just a few short weeks ago, that he missed watching her sleep, but those were just words. Too often the beautiful and the ugly mixed together, until she began to doubt every sentence Edward uttered. What Bella needed - what she longed for - was to go back to the days that his words and actions followed in step, and her doubts didn't constantly pick at her brain, like so many vultures, eating away any shred of confidence she once had. Maybe this time apart would give Edward the perspective he needed, and Sunday would be the day they could start finding the road back to each other.

Despite all the thoughts running through her head, Bella slept better that night than she had in awhile. Perhaps it was just sheer exhaustion, or maybe it was the comfort of being at the one place she knew she could always call home, but when she woke up Friday morning, she felt oddly refreshed. Charlie was already at the station, so Bella padded downstairs in just her t-shirt to scour the kitchen for some breakfast. She started a fresh pot of coffee and rummaged through the pantry, finally giving up and having two slices of toast with Sue Clearwater's strawberry jam. Trick or Treating didn't start until seven o'clock that night, so Bella had a full day to herself. She certainly didn't want to stay at home and brood, so she decided to at least get out and see what was happening in the bustling town of Forks. If she was going to hand out candy, she needed to go to the store - she could also pick up some ingredients for tater tot casserole there; she knew it was Billy's favorite.

After breakfast, Bella went back to her bedroom to change. She threw on jeans and fleece, pulled her hair up and slipped on her tennis shoes. No sense in getting dressed up to schlep around Forks. The sky looked like rain - no surprise there - so Bella rummaged through her closet for her Hello Kitty umbrella. She was just about to walk down the stairs when she heard a knock at the door.

"Coming!" she yelled, hurrying down the stairs. She tripped on the last step and had to catch herself on the banister. By the time she reached the kitchen, Rosalie was already seated at the table. "Oh, hey. I didn't expect to find you down here," Bella said, perplexed. She wasn't sure if Rose had ever actually been inside her father's house.

"I knew you were here for the weekend, and I wanted to talk. Since I figured you wouldn't be coming out to the house, I came to you." Rose was dressed impeccably, as always, making Bella feel like a bag lady. Her stomach dropped, wondering what Rose was there to talk about. Although they had become close over the past few years, there would always be tension between them. Bella wouldn't apologize for her desire to become a vampire, regardless of the fact Rose thought she was making a mistake. In the end, it was her mistake to make.

Bella sat down at the table across from Rose, shifting nervously in her chair. "So, what did you want to talk about?"

"You and Edward," Rose said, looking Bella directly in the eye. "I don't know exactly what's going on between you, but whatever it is making you both miserable. I care about both of you - everyone else wants to just tip toe around the issue but I just can't. So, spill."

Although she wasn't exactly shocked by Rose's bluntness, Bella was a little miffed that Rose expected her to share all their problems with her. "We're just going through a rough time right now. I appreciate your concern, but we're working through it."

"Looks like it's going swimmingly considering he's back in his old bedroom," Rose replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

Bella felt her face redden and her pulse pick up. "We decided a few days apart would be good for both of us. I'm picking him up Sunday night and we're going back home - together."

Rose started to open her mouth to speak, and then closed it again, which was unusual for her. When Rose had something to say - she said it. "Rose, I know you have something to say, so just spit it out," Bella huffed.

"Why are you letting him treat you like this? He's been nothing but a jackass the last few years, and you just sit back and take it. I know you love him, but is it really worth it?"

If Rose only knew how many times she had asked herself the exact same question. There were so many things wrong with her relationship with Edward, yet she couldn't forget how good things could be when they were happy. Those happy times, the love she had for Edward, were the strings that formed the thread she clung to with ever increasing desperation.

"I love him - how can I just walk away when things aren't all sunshine and rainbows? I did promise to love him in good times and in bad. Yes, he's been...different these last few years, sometimes he's difficult, but it's not all bad. I think if he would just change me-" Bella trailed off, staring at a spot above Rose's head to avoid looking at her eyes. This was one of those topics where they would never see eye to eye.

"It's been three years - he's not going to change you. When are you going to accept that? You need to seriously think about getting out now - leave him while you're still young and have a chance to enjoy a full life. You will find someone else - have kids - grow old together. Embrace all those things before it's too late. Let yourself really live." Rose was leaning across the table, looking at Bella, not in anger or judgment, but with longing. She wanted Bella to have all the things she never could. However, Bella had long given up on having those sorts of hopes and dreams. Her future was with Edward. There was no imagining children that could never be, golden years that would never come.

"You don't know that he won't change me," Bella said, not trying to disguise the acidity in her voice. "One day he is going to realize that changing me is the only option, and when he does, none of these stupid arguments we have now will matter because we'll be equals."

"Oh, get over it, Bella. He's never going to change you - but even if he did - do you think your problems will just magically go away? If that's what you think, you really are delusional. Have some self-respect and quit letting Edward walk all over you because if you don't things are just going to keep getting worse. If you two are going to stay together, you have to stand up to him."

Bella felt the tears streaming down her cheeks, but she didn't bother to wipe them away. She felt so small, so alone. Rose's words caused the fragments of her heart to shatter into ever smaller pieces. Rose was her family and she was telling Bella to move on, let go. What Rose didn't realize was that letting go meant so much more than just walking away from Edward, it meant walking away from everything that mattered in her life - it meant walking away from the only future she could imagine.

"I'm sorry that I upset you, but I think you needed to hear the truth. I want you and Edward to be happy; I'm just not sure it is possible for you two to be happy together."

"Rose, I just don't know what to say right now. You guys, Edward - you're all I have. So, I can't just give up, not yet."

Rose stood up from the table and walked toward the door. She put her hand on the knob and turned around. "That's where you're wrong. We're not all you have. You have a mother and father, friends, and a whole lifetime of people who could matter to you. You're just so convinced that being like us will bring you happiness that you can't see how much happiness you already have. I just hope it won't be too late when you finally realize it."

After Rose left, Bella sat in the kitchen and tried to pull herself together. Her sister-in-law's visit had hit her like a freight train running full speed. If she had thought she couldn't feel any lower, she was wrong. So, she gathered all things Rose had said and bundled them up tightly in the back of her mind. This was her relationship - her husband. Rose was entitled to her opinion, but that didn't mean Bella had to agree. As the minutes passed, Bella felt herself calming down. She poured herself a glass of water and chugged it down before going to the bathroom and splashing water on her face. It wouldn't do to go out in public looking like a train wreck.

She was able to go to the store and get all she needed for the weekend, plus candy for the kids. When she pulled onto Charlie's street, she noticed his car was at the curb. She pulled into the driveway and popped the trunk before getting out of the car. Her dad must have heard the car door slam because he came outside.

"I wondered where you had run off to," he said, smiling. "Do you need some help?"

"That would be great. I bought some groceries and candy for the trick or treaters tonight. What are you doing home?"

"Andy spilled coffee on our deck of cards, so I ran home to get another one."

Bella laughed. "Ah, the benefits of small town living. If only the public knew their tax dollars were paying you to play cards."

"That is not all we do, Bells," Charlie sputtered.

"Geesh, I'm just teasing. Now, help me get these groceries inside so you can get back to your card game."

Charlie helped her carry all the bags in the house and then left her to put everything away. She had sent a meal she had frozen with him since he wouldn't be coming home for dinner. Once the groceries were put away and the candy was set out, she assembled the ingredients to make her casserole. When it was done, she decided to make cookies. Cooking and baking always helped clear her mind, which was exactly what she needed at the moment. By the time the cookies were done, Bella noticed that it was almost five o'clock. Two hours until all the little ghosts and goblins would make their appearance. She cleaned up the kitchen, straightened the living room and threw some laundry in the washer - anything to keep her mind off of her conversation with Rose.

Barely an hour had passed when the kitchen door flew open and Jake walked in, wearing a Scooby Doo costume. Bella immediately burst into laughter. The costume was one piece, complete with Scooby's head above a hole where Jake's face was sticking out. She had no idea where he could have found a costume that big - Jake wasn't a small guy by any means. She laughed until her sides hurt and she was doubled over, trying to catch her breath.

"Oh my god, Jake. Where did you find that?"

"On the internet - I had to have it custom made, so I think I'm going to be Scooby Doo for the rest of my life. Like it?" he asked, twirling around in a circle and sending Bella into another round of giggles. "Where's your costume, missy?"

"Oh, I just have some cat ears and I was going to draw whiskers on my face. You know me; I'm not much for dressing up. That's Edward's department." She felt a stab of pain saying his name, but it was true. Edward loved dressing up to hand out candy to the kids.

"Ah yes, the vampire that dresses up like a vampire - how original. Where is Eddie? Oh Edward, come out come out wherever you are!"

"He's not here, Jake," she said, sighing. "Do you think you can handle candy duty without eating it all? Or, were you just stopping by on your way to a party?" She was hoping Jake would stay, but she certainly didn't expect him to give up his plans for her.

"I was actually just stopping by to say hi. There's a party at the rez for all the kids and I promised my dad I would take his place this year. But, if you want I can call and see if Sam or one of the other guys could step in for me."

Bella tried to hide her disappointment by turning towards the counter to grab a cookie. "No, that's okay. Can you stay for a Scooby snack?" she asked.

"Did you say snack? Yippee," he said, doing his best Scooby Doo impersonation.

"So, I heard your dad gets to come home tomorrow. That's great."

"Yep, I get to pick him up at ten o'clock tomorrow," he said, a wide smile gracing his face. "I'm moving back in with him for a month or so since he's going to need rehab and all that stuff. By the way, are you coming to the rez tomorrow?"

"I wouldn't miss it for anything."

"That's great, Bells. I'm surprised Edward's letting you come."

"Jake, just don't. Be happy that I'm coming tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure, sure. See ya tomorrow. I better go before I'm late." Jake rose awkwardly from the seat and swiped another cookie before ambling out the door.

Bella had just enough time to throw on her cat ears before the kids started ringing the door bell. She spent the next few hours handing out candy and oohing and awwing over the costumes. By the time she switched off the porch light, the candy was almost gone and she was exhausted. She must have fallen asleep because Charlie was suddenly shaking her shoulder.

"Bells, wake up." She opened her eyes and looked around, unsure for a moment where she was.

"Must have fallen asleep," she mumbled, sitting up.

"You were sound asleep. Why don't you give me that bowl and head up to bed. We've got a big day tomorrow."

Bella looked in her lap and realized she had fallen asleep with the candy bowl. She handed it to her father and stood up. "I think bed is a good idea. Love you, Dad."

"Love you, now get to bed."

She stumbled up the stairs and to the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. That night, she fell asleep with her clothes on, too tired to even change. In her dreams, Rose repeated "he's never going to change you," over and over until her face morphed into Edward's. She tossed and turned, trying to break free of the dream, but it held her subconscious in its iron grip. Finally, she woke up panting and covered in sweat. "You're wrong, Rose," she whispered. "He will change me." Sleep evaded her after that - she would fall asleep for a few minutes, then jerk awake before the dream could take her under again.

When the smoky light of dawn started to peek through her window, Bella finally gave up on trying to sleep and put on some sweats before padding out of her room and down the hall to the bathroom. She heard Charlie's heavy snoring through the door, so she brushed her teeth and put her hair up in a messy bun, forgoing a shower until he was awake - the creaky pipes in the house could wake the dead. The house was quiet and every step seemed to squeak as she made her way down the stairs. Charlie would probably be up soon, so Bella decided to put some cinnamon rolls and started the coffee. Then, she walked out to the front stoop for the paper. It wasn't long after her first cup of coffee that Charlie made his way into the kitchen.

"Something smells pretty good in here," he said, walking over to the coffee pot and pouring a cup.

"I've got cinnamon rolls in the oven. They should be just about done."

"You should stay here more often - I eat like a king when you're around. How'd ya sleep, kid?" he asked.

"Not great, but that's okay. A few cups of coffee and I'll be good to go." She got up to check the rolls, and Charlie settled in at the table.

They had breakfast in comfortable silence. Charlie read the sports section, while Bella perused the comics. So far, the day was off to a good start. But, the ever present dull ache in her chest reminded her that she would be spending another day without Edward. Instead of letting it drag her down, Bella thought about how much fun she would have at the rez. It had been too long since she had spent time with her other family.

"I think I'll run upstairs and take my shower. Are we going to be at Billy's when Jake brings him home?" she asked.

"That's the plan. I made sure Jake told Billy we would all be there. I didn't want to take any chances surprising him. I'll probably run by the station for a few hours. Should I come by here and pick you up?"

"That's okay. I'll drive myself, in case you have to leave early. If you want to get to work, go ahead and take your shower. I can wait."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, go ahead. I'll get the kitchen cleaned up."

After Charlie went upstairs, Bella washed the coffee cups and plates, put the left over rolls in a Tupperware container, then poured herself another cup of coffee and finished reading the paper. Twenty minutes later, Charlie was out the door. He wasn't wearing his uniform, but still had his gun over his shoulder and his badge clipped on his jeans. She had no idea what he'd do at the station this early in the morning on a Saturday. But, he loved that place, so she never questioned him. After she showered and dressed, Bella decided to bake another batch of cookies to take to the rez. The guys there could eat more food than should be physically possible. When it was finally time to leave, she put the casserole and cookies in the car, grabbed her coat, and headed out.

Billy's tiny house was packed by the time she got there. Wonderful smells drifted from the kitchen, and the room was full of laughter. Bella felt immediately at home, surrounded by love and friendship. She took her food into the kitchen, and greeted Sue and Emily, who were both happily dishing out food for the never-ending stream of men coming through the kitchen. Jake called when he and Billy were on the way home, so everyone assembled in the yard to await their arrival. When Jake's SUV pulled into the driveway, the group clapped and cheered, welcoming Billy home. Billy looked tired and a bit thinner, but the smile on his face was as bright as ever. Jake wheeled him into the house and helped him settle into the recliner before people started drifting into the house. Sue made sure there were no more than two or three people there at a time, so Billy didn't feel too overwhelmed.

Bella was fine staying in the backyard, where Sam had built a bonfire and Emily was handing out hot chocolate. She walked around, talking and laughing - and never once thinking of Edward. Eventually, people started breaking off into groups of two or three, and Bella decided to walk down to First Beach. She slipped away from the yard and made her way down the familiar path to the beach. The laughter faded the closer she got to the beach, and by the time she saw the ocean, the soothing sounds of nature had settled around her like a warm blanket.

She walked until she came to the worn piece of driftwood that had served as a bench for her so many times. Sitting on it brought back so many memories, both good and bad, of her friendship with Jake. She had been such an awful friend to him, yet somehow he still loved her. She couldn't think about Jake without thinking about Edward. Her friendship with both started at about the same time, but had grown in such different ways. Looking back, she could see all the mistakes she had made along the way - all the ways she had hurt them both. But, dwelling on her regrets wouldn't change them. She had to find a way to move past them, to move past the fear and doubt that threatened to pull her under. Lost in her thoughts, Bella didn't hear Jacob sit down beside her.

"I figured you might be here," he said, wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

She laid her head against his shoulder, soaking in his warmth and deep, woodsy smell. At times like these, Bella could almost forget how much her heart hurt. "I've missed the beach. I figured no one would miss me, at least for a little while."

"You should know better; I always miss you, Bells."

His words built her up and tore her down at the same time. "I'm sorry I haven't been a better friend. Sometimes I feel like I'm keeping the boat afloat, but just barely, ya know?"

Jacob didn't answer, but placed a kiss on the side of her forehead. They sat together, watching the waves beat against the shore, both lost in their own thoughts. Bella watched the birds swoop down to the water, plucking out fish, then gliding back up into the air. She felt peaceful for what seemed like the first time in months. Of course, times like this couldn't last - especially between her and Jake.

"I know Edward is the reason you don't come around anymore. I'm not trying to start a fight, but don't blame this on yourself." Bella tried to pull away, but Jacob wouldn't let her go. "Bells, look at me," he whispered, removing his arm from around her shoulder and bringing it to her chin. She turned towards him, still keeping her eyes down. "Please, just look at me."

"What," she snapped, raising her head. "Why do you always have to ruin a perfectly happy moment like this? Really, Jake, whatever you think-"

"What I know is that Edward pulls your string like you're nothing but a puppet. He says 'Don't see Jake,' and so you stay away. He's been like this from the beginning, and it's only getting worse. When are you going to see that you're nothing more than a plaything to him?"

First Rose and now Jake - Bella wasn't sure her day could get any worse. "Jake, I'm not doing this, not tonight. I know what you think about Edward. You've made your opinion on our relationship clear many times. Can't you just be happy I'm here now?"

"I am happy you're here. But, I can see what he's doing to you and it's killing me. Why can't you just admit that you're miserable? Don't try to deny it - I can see it in your eyes. You know I'm always here for you and if something is going on - one word and Edward will be nothing but a pile of ashes."

Bella jumped up from her spot on the driftwood, her hands balled in tight fists at her side. "How dare you assume anything about my life! Who are you to judge my marriage? I've had it with you, Jake. This is why we can't be friends. You can't go five minutes without making a snide comment or threatening to kill my husband. Do you honestly think saying shit like that would make me want to confide in you? Go to hell." She turned around and started running, not giving Jacob a chance to reply. Of course, in a few strides he was walking next to her. She slowed down - with her luck she would trip on a stone and break something.

"Bells-"

"I'm not interested in anything you have to say. In fact, I'm getting in my car and going back to Charlie's. Please, don't follow me."

By the time she arrived back at the house, everyone was gathered in the back yard by the bonfire. Bella wanted to find her dad, tell him she was going home, and get away from the rez as fast as possible. Billy was talking to Sue and Leah when she found him.

"Dad, I'm getting a headache, so I think I'm going to go tell Billy goodbye and head home."

"Do you want me to drive you home or follow you?" he asked.

"I'll be fine. I just need to take some aspirin and lay down. Sue, thank you for everything today. It was good to see you again."

"Don't mention it, Bella. You should come back and visit more often." She gave Bella a quick hug and stepped away, giving her some privacy with Charlie.

"You call me the minute you get home, okay?" he ordered.

"I will. Have a good time."

Bella walked around the house and got to the porch just as Sam ran out the door. "What's wrong, Sam? Is Billy okay?" Bella asked, concerned by the wild look in his eyes.

"Billy's fine - but I think your husband is on the border. I don't need to tell you that one toe over the line means war," Sam said, his body starting to vibrate.

"Shit, I have no idea what he's doing here. I'll take care of this. I think my purse is in the house, just give me one second-"

"We might not have a second. Come on, I'll drive you," Sam said, already walking towards Jake's SUV. Bella followed behind him - she knew there would be no winning this argument, especially with the other pack members streaming out of the house. "I'm taking care of this, but Embry - Paul, phase and hang back in the woods, just in case."

Nothing good could come out of this situation. Edward had to know that his presence would not be welcomed, but yet he decided to tempt fate anyway. Bella wondered if he had tried to call. Her cell phone was in her purse, so if he did, she wouldn't have known. Sam yanked open the passenger side door from the inside and scowled as Bella fumbled her way in the truck. As soon as her door shut, he peeled out of the driveway, kicking gravel up in his wake. They didn't speak on the short drive to the boarder. As they approached the line, Bella saw Edward there, pacing beside Carlisle's Mercedes. Sam slammed on the breaks and Bella shot out of the truck, almost falling before she caught her footing.

"Edward, what the hell? Do you want to start a war?" she asked.

"Bella, Bella, Bella, when are you going to learn that whenever your future disappears, I will know about it? Did you think I was just going to stand by while you spent your evening cavorting with dogs?"

"I wasn't trying to hide anything from you, Edward. If you recall, you thought it was a good idea for us to spend the week apart. What did you expect me to do, sit home and cry for you? Billy happened to come home from the hospital today, so Charlie and I came out here for the afternoon. The last time I checked, that wasn't a crime. And, please don't call my friends dogs - it got old a long time ago."

Bella paced back and forth across the line, furious at Edward for once again treating her like a child. She could hear Sam talking to Embry and Paul in the background. Before things got out of control, she needed to get Edward to leave. So, she stepped over to the Cullen side of the line, turning to make sure Sam was paying attention. She didn't need one of the wolves to lash out because they thought Edward stepped over the line. "Look, why don't you just go back home, and we can talk about this on Sunday like we planned. I was actually about to leave when you showed up, so you don't have to worry about my whereabouts for the rest of the day."

"I think it would be a better idea if you came with me," Edward said, with a calm so deadly it sent chills up her spine.

"No, Edward. I'm going back to Charlie's and you are going back to your parents. I know we need to talk, but the only thing we're going to do right now is argue. Please, I'll see you tomorrow, when we're both hopefully in a better frame of mind."

Edward reached out and grabbed her upper arm. "I suggest you come with me, unless you want me to step over the line. You wouldn't want me to hurt your precious mutts, now would you?"

"Ow, you're hurting me. Will you please, just for once, act rationally? If you want to talk to me so badly, follow me back to Charlie's house and we can talk. I'm not going to come with you just because you order me to. I'm not your fucking toy."

"Oh, so they are more important to you than your husband. You have two choices: come with me, or I walk over that line. I would so love a good fight right about now and who better than with the pack? Perhaps if they're gone, you will finally realize just what an unhealthy influence they have over you."

Bella couldn't believe what she was hearing. Edward had always had an uneasy relationship with the wolves. She never understood why he couldn't see things from her perspective. She knew Billy and Jacob before Edward ever came into her life. To her, it wasn't a matter of Edward the vampire and Jacob the shape shifter. They were Edward, her true love, and Jacob, her best friend. Things had never deteriorated to this point before. Edward might make his distaste of the Quileutes known, but he had never, ever threatened to go this far. Did he really think this was the answer? What happened to his promising that he would never hurt Jacob because he knew how much it would devastate her?

"Please, you know how much it would kill me if anyone was hurt. Starting a war would involve your family - could you live with yourself if something happened to one of them? Let's just go back to Charlie's - the pack has nothing to do with what's going on between us. Quit trying to put the blame for our problems where it doesn't belong. I love you, Edward, but this is going too far."

"The only person to blame if something happens today is you. I have asked you over and over again to stay away from Jacob, yet here you are again. Perhaps you need to see exactly how serious I am."

It all happened in the blink of an eye. Edward was over the line so fast Bella didn't see him until he and Sam were face to face. All she could do was stare, paralyzed with fear. After all the work Carlisle had done to keep the peace, Edward was going to undo it in a fit of jealous rage.

"I will give you one chance to step back over onto your side of the line. Step back and do it now or I'll take pleasure in tearing you apart," Sam said, before the air exploded with growls.

Bella ran forward and tried to stand in front of Edward, but he pushed her aside. She fell to the ground, landing on her back. The air whooshed out of her lungs and she had no choice but to lay there for a minute, catching her breath. Growls pierced the air around her as Edward stood his ground. She slowly sat up, and let out a cry when she saw Sam and Edward circling each other, predator to predator. She stood up slowly, not sure what to do next. She was surprised the other wolves hadn't appeared; Sam must have been telling them to stay away. A moment later, she saw a blur that could only be the Cullens.

"Edward, stop," Carlisle commanded, walking toward the line. "Son, please. Whatever it is, it isn't worth starting a war."

"I think it's a little late for that, don't you."

"No, it's not. If you leave with us now, the pack will over look this incident. Come with me, before you do lasting damage - we have had peace too long to lose it now."

"Please, Edward," Esme pled.

Bella looked at Carlisle, still too stunned to speak. The man standing before her, the man she married, was a complete stranger. The air was charged with tension as Edward and Carlisle engaged in silent conversation. Bella held her breath, praying that Edward would listen to his father. She knew Carlisle was the one person Edward respected and trusted implicitly - if Carlisle couldn't convince him to come back, no one could. Finally, Edward cast a last menacing glare toward Sam, turned around and returned to his side of the line. Emmett and Jasper stood on each side of Edward, watching him warily.

"Thank you, Sam," Carlisle said. "I'm sincerely sorry for the offence my son committed. You had every right to declare war. Your willingness to overlook this breach will not be forgotten. We don't want to disturb you any further, so will you make sure Bella gets back to her father?"

Jacob walked out of the woods, bare chested and wearing faded cut-off jeans. "I'll make sure she gets back. Bella, would you get in the truck? I would like to talk to Edward." He walked until he was facing Carlisle. "This is the last time we will ignore the treaty. Keep your son in line."

"I understand. Again, thank you." With that, Carlisle motioned for everyone to step back, to give Edward and Jacob the semblance of privacy. Jacob leaned forward and whispered something into Edward's ear. Bella was frustrated that she couldn't hear what was said. Knowing Jake, she would only get a condensed version. Whatever it was, Edward gave a curt nod and walked into the forest - Emmett and Jasper followed. The rest of the family got in the Mercedes and drove off without a word to Bella. She wasn't sure what to think, what to feel. It was like her body was on fire and numb at the same time. The only thing she knew for sure was that she couldn't spend another night in Forks. She needed to get home and figure out what to do next. Edward had thrown down the gauntlet; now it was Bella's turn.

Jake was silent when he got in the truck and headed back to the rez. She was still angry at him, even though she could now admit to herself that he had been right all along. There was no strength left in her body to fight, so she turned toward Jacob and said, "I'm sorry."

"Don't, Bells. Just don't...what are you going to do now?" he asked, never taking his eyes from the road.

"I'm going back home, to Port Angeles. From there, I have no idea." From the dim light of the dash, Bella could see the tension on Jacob's face. She knew he must be holding in so much, and for that, she was grateful - there would be plenty of time for him to yell at her later. Charlie was waiting in the yard when they pulled up. She had no idea what she was going to tell him, but she needed to figure it out fast. He was by her door as soon as the truck stopped.

"Bells, you need to tell me what is going on, and you need to tell me now." His voice was strong, but she could read the panic written on his face. Bella stepped out of the truck and closed the door, using those few seconds to pull herself together.

"Edward and I had an argument, but he's gone and everything is okay. I should have told you before, but we're going through a rough time right now. I just didn't want you to worry." What she said was a tiny drop of truth mixed with an ocean of deceit. Her father had no idea about the wolves. Despite the fact he and Sue had grown close over the last couple of years, she had managed to keep the secret from him. Now wasn't exactly the best time for him to find out that half the men on the rez were shape shifters. She had to keep Charlie calm - she had to keep herself calm for that matter. There would be time for her to break down later, when she was alone, but if she let herself show any weakness now, Charlie likely to handcuff her and go after Edward.

"Why didn't you tell me about this earlier? Is that why he isn't with you this weekend? What more haven't you told me? He hasn't hit you, has he?" Charlie's questions were fired like bullets, each one aiming straight for Bella's heart.

"Dad, you have to trust me that I'm okay. I promise we can talk about this later, but right now I really just want to go home." This day had been too much. If matches were made of heartache, she could burn down the whole town of Forks. All she wanted to do was get in her car and drive as far away from everything in her life as possible. Instead, she would drive as far as Port Angeles and hope that along the way, she would be able to figure out a way to set things right.

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Bella. Why don't I just drive you back to my house and we can talk about this. I can't let you run off like this, not after you dump all this on me." Charlie's arms were crossed against his chest; the set of his face grim and determined.

"I know this is a lot to take in, but I really can't talk about it right now. I can only take so much in one day, and I think I've reached my limit. Please, Dad, I really just want to go home. Don't make this harder on me than it already is." Bella fought to hold back her tears of frustration. The last thing she needed was to spend the day lying to Charlie.

He sighed, sounding defeated. "You call me as soon as you get home. And, this discussion is not over - not by a long shot."

Bella took the few steps separating her from Charlie to give him a hug. "Thanks. I promise; I'll call as soon as I get home. My purse is in the house, so I'll be right back." She walked into the house, and all the chatter stopped as soon as she was inside. Suddenly, she was the vampire girl again - the girl who picked wrong. Avoiding the eyes of everyone in the room, she ducked into the kitchen, grabbed her purse off the table, and left as quickly as she could.

Back outside, she found her father leaning against the Volvo. "Call me," he started. "And, I love you, kid."

"I love you too, Dad. I'm sorry I ruined everything."

"You don't have anything to apologize for. Drive safe, and take care of yourself." He opened her car door and watched as she buckled her seat belt. "Don't forget to call," he reminded her, shutting the door.

With one last wave, Bella put her car in reverse and headed away from the rez. Her first stop was Charlie's house to pick up her overnight bag. As soon as she pulled in the driveway, she pulled her phone out - 20 missed calls and 10 missed texts - all from Edward. Flinging the phone down on the passenger seat, she left the car running while she went inside to collect her things. Once her bag was in the trunk and she was headed out of Forks, Bella finally let out all of the pain and anger she had been holding in. She beat her hands against the steering wheel, screamed, and let the tears run down her face unabated. It was a good thing she had driven the road between Forks and Port Angeles so many times that she could put that part of her brain on autopilot because her mind was a jumble of rage, hurt, fear and panic. She felt the walls of everything she had been avoiding and trying to deny closing in on her.

Each mile she traveled seemed to magnify her emotions: anger at Edward for breaking the treaty, hurt that he completely disregarded her feelings at every turn, scared that he didn't love her anymore, and panicked at the thought of what her future would look like without him in it. The walls grew closer, until she felt them scraping against her skin. Her breath came in short pants as her lungs felt smaller and smaller. Dried tears left her eyes crusty, her nose was stuffed up, and her heart was beating so hard that she was sure it would burst. She frantically tried to hold on to her sanity long enough to get home, not that she really knew what home was anymore. Because home meant so much more than four walls and a roof. For so long, Edward was home to her. After today, she wasn't so sure. She might have a place to live, but her heart, her soul, her dreams, had been forsaken.


	10. Chapter 10  One Last Chance

**Well, we are working towards the end of the story. This chapter is very intense and dark. As always, a big shout out to all my reviewers. And to those of you who read and don't review, I appreciate you too! **

**I don't own Twilight, just this plot.**

_How many times do I have to try to tell you  
That I'm sorry for the things I've done  
But when I start to try to tell you  
That's when you have to tell me  
Hey...this kind of trouble's only just begun  
I tell myself too many times  
Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut  
That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words  
That keep on falling from your mouth  
Falling from your mouth  
Falling from your mouth  
Tell me...  
Why  
Why_

I may be mad  
I may be blind  
I may be viciously unkind  
But I can still read what you're thinking  
And I've heard it said too many times  
That you'd be better off  
Besides...  
Why can't you see this boat is sinking  
(This boat is sinking this boat is sinking)  
Let's go down to the water's edge  
And we can cast away those doubts  
Some things are better left unsaid  
But they still turn me inside out  
Turning inside out turning inside out  
Tell me...  
Why  
Tell me...  
Why

This is the book I never read  
These are the words I never said  
This is the path I'll never tread  
These are the dreams I'll dream instead  
This is the joy that's seldom spread  
These are the tears...  
The tears we shed  
This is the fear  
This is the dread  
These are the contents of my head  
And these are the years that we have spent  
And this is what they represent  
And this is how I feel  
Do you know how I feel?  
'Cause I don't think you know how I feel  
I don't think you know what I feel  
I don't think you know what I feel  
You don't know what I feel

_Annie Lennox - Why_

__  
November__

  
When Bella turned onto the long, winding road that lead to their house, she had settled into a state of numbness. The pain threatening to crush her was too much, so she pushed it away into the deep recesses of her mind. She was surprised how easy it was to do, but then again, it hadn't been that long ago that Edward had left her alone in the forest. Perhaps repressing pain was just like riding a bicycle - a skill learned and not easily forgotten. There were no other houses on their lane, so there was no avoiding the light that poured out of their living room window. Bella knew she had turned out all the lights before she left, which could mean only one thing: Edward was home. She held tight to her numbness, willing it to wrap around every cell. She couldn't allow Edward to see the pain he had inflicted, the damage he had caused.

Her hand automatically rose to the visor to click the garage door opener as she drove up their driveway. She maneuvered the Volvo next to Edward's Vanquish and turned off the ignition. She quickly called Charlie to let him know she had made it home and clicked the button to lower the garage door. It was so tempting just to stay in the car, but Bella willed herself to open the door and make her way into the house. The kitchen was dark, but she could see the light from the living room spilling down the hall. She dropped her bag and purse on the floor and froze, unsure what to do next. Should she walk into the living room and confront Edward, or take the stairs and head straight to the bedroom? Finally, she decided to find Edward. It's not like she would be able to concentrate in her bedroom, knowing that he was in the house. With leaden feet, Bella made her way down the hall and into the living room. Edward was sitting on the couch, looking like a statue carved out of the whitest of marble.

"Hi," she said, not making a move to walk any further into the room. She wasn't sure what to say. Just this once, she wished that Edward could read her mind. How could she adequately explain the depth of her pain and anger to this man, her husband, whom she didn't seem to recognize anymore? What could she say to take them back in time - to make them work again?

"Bella, I came home because I wanted to apologize for my behavior tonight. Trying to start a war, putting my family at risk, was incredibly impulsive of me."

She was not expecting the first words out of Edward's mouth to be an apology. Part of her was relieved that he realized how wrong his actions had been, but she couldn't help but wait for the other shoe to drop.

"Thank you, Edward. I want things to get better between us, but that won't help if you start a war with the pack. We've got enough on our plate already." Bella's mouth was dry, so her words came out no more than a raspy whisper. Edward still hadn't moved or given any sign that he was, in fact, happy to see his wife. She would have felt better about his apology had he come forward and wrapped his arms around her - told her he loved her.

"No, war isn't the answer, but I think from now on you need to stay away from Forks. The temptation is just too great there, and with Charlie spending more and more time with Billy, I would feel better if he came here to visit instead."

With a sickening thud, Bella felt the other shoe drop. He actually expected her to stay away from Forks, from her father? "Are you kidding me? You actually expect me not to visit Charlie? What am I supposed to tell him when he asks why I've stopped coming to see him?" She couldn't keep the panic from creeping into her voice. Did he expect her to become a prisoner in her own home?

Edward finally stood up from the couch and came to stand next to Bella. "I'm not saying you can't visit Charlie. I'm just saying that it would be easier if he came here. I can't be with you every second, and evidently Jacob is too much of a temptation for you to resist. If I could trust you to obey me, I wouldn't be asking this of you," he said, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "You know I love you. This is for your own good, love. I'm just trying to put things right between us again."

_Jacob is too much of a temptation...If I could trust you to obey me...This is for your own good... _His words careened around in her head until the last threads holding her together snapped. Edward had just pushed her too far. After everything she had put up with, every humiliation, every hurt, every tear, she just couldn't take any more. Maybe Jake and Rose were right - maybe there was no future left for them. She launched herself at Edward, grabbing at his shirt with one hand and his hair with the other. Tears rolled down her face, and for a moment her screams were incoherent and savage. She pushed and tugged at him as she tried not to choke on the bile building in her throat.

"Fuck you, Edward. Fuck you and your self righteous attitude. Fuck you for only looking at me and seeing a weak human. Fuck you for thinking you're so much better than me. You know what? Maybe you are the soulless bastard you've claimed to be all these years. " She pulled on his hair with all her strength, even though she knew it would be impossible for her to actually hurt him. She was tired of hurting, tired of carrying all the pain of her perceived failures on her mortal shoulders. The only way she could think of to banish it all was to make him hurt. If only she was a vampire; she would rip him limb from fucking limb and burn the pieces one at a time. She knew that she had to be losing her mind, but the thought of killing him brought a savage smile to her lips.

"Bella, calm down," he replied, a tinge of panic in his voice. She probably looked like a lunatic, but she didn't care. It was finally her turn to let Edward see what she had been holding inside. It was her turn to be cruel and she would relish every moment.

"Don't you dare tell me to calm down! I've put up with your shit for way too long. But I won't do it anymore. I'm done." She sucked in a lungful of air and tried to steady her erratic breathing. She could hardly hear anything but the blood whooshing through her ears.

"What do you mean you're done?" The panic in his voice was gone, replaced by a sinister tone that would have once caused Bella to retreat. Not today - not anymore.

"I mean," she said, twisting one hand in his shirt and the other in his hair, "things are going to change or I'm leaving."

Edward laughed, grabbed her hand from his hair, and placed it back at her side. She was so fucking sick and tired of being weak – something was going to change, and it was going to change tonight. As Edward continued to laugh, Bella felt a rage that she had never experienced bubble up inside her.

"Don't you fucking laugh at me!"

"Then don't be ridiculous."

He really didn't respect her; perhaps he never had. All of the years they had been together, and the entire time he had looked at her as weak: physically, mentally and emotionally. To Edward, she was just a human girl who constantly needed saving. Well, she had news for him – she didn't need saving anymore. Her hands beat against his chest, a futile gesture, but she couldn't stop herself. Tears rolled down her face as her dreams, which had been fading slowly for years, finally sputtered and died.

Edward stood there motionless as she poured out every ounce of her anger on him. She scratched at his face, pulled his hair, her fists beat into his granite flesh, but try as she might she was never going to hurt him. Her hands were bruised and bloody by the time the fight had left her body. He still hadn't said a word; Bella assumed it was from indifference or shock – either way he let her beat herself against his body, like a ship battering against rocks in a storm, and never raised a hand to stop her.

She stepped away from him, spent and aching. Bella knew in her heart that things would never change. But a life without Edward was not a life she could live. She knew what she had to do. It wasn't something she relished, but it was the only way out. She would give Edward one last chance to save her, but one way or the other she was leaving this shell of a body, this mockery of a life. Bella turned away from Edward and took a step towards the kitchen.

"I'm going to clean up – don't follow me."

She walked into the kitchen and quietly slid the boning knife from the butcher block. It was so light in her hand, just a few inches of steel and wood, but it was all she needed to end her life. She pressed the blade against her wrist and said a prayer that God would forgive her. In one swift motion, she sliced through the skin of her left wrist, severing tendons and veins. The pain blinded her instantly, but she welcomed it because for that moment, she forgot the agonizing feeling of her heart rending in two. She stilled for a moment, but knew she only had a few seconds, if that, to slit her other wrist before Edward would be at her side. She couldn't let herself falter; her hands shook as she transferred the knife to her left

"Bella, no!" Edward stood in the doorway, looking at her in horror.

"Don't act like you care, Edward. I was going to die one day – I just decided to accelerate the process."

The blood from her wrist dropped to the tile in a steady stream. Drip. Drip. Drip. She watched it pool on the floor in macabre fascination. It was like she was outside her body, watching some other girl as her life drained onto the tile.

"Please, don't do this. Let me take you to the hospital…we can figure this out, just please don't do this." He moved a step closer, reaching out his hand for the knife.

"No closer! Change me or let me die. I can't live like this anymore. Don't you see you've already destroyed my soul? I just don't want to hurt anymore, Edward. I've loved you with everything I have, but I know now that it isn't enough."

She sucked in her breath, but before she could draw the knife against her other wrist Edward plucked it from her hand. He reached out for her, but even with blood pouring from her wrist, she flinched away.

"Don't touch me. If you don't want me; if you're never going to change me, I might as well die now and save us both the trouble of going on like this. Now I understand the phrase can't live with you, can't live without you."

She slumped down to the floor, landing in the pool of blood that had been collecting on the tile. Edward was still watching her with frantic eyes, but he didn't make the slightest move in her direction. She began to draw swirls in the blood, thinking about everyone she was leaving behind. Her parents, Angela, the Cullens; she knew they would mourn her, but she couldn't bring herself to change her mind.

"Edward, please make this look like an accident. I don't want Charlie and Renee knowing I did this to myself, and please, tell them how much I loved them. Tell your family I'm sorry. I don't want to leave them, but I just...this is the only way."

"Bella," Edward choked out. His words were cut off by the sound of his phone. He took it out of his pocked and brought it to his ear. "Thank god, Alice. Please, hurry." Hearing from Alice evidently broke him out of his stupor because he ran to the counter and flung open a drawer, sending it crashing into the wall. He fell to his knees at her side and took her wris tin his hands.

"No, no, no," Bella cried, weakly attempting to pull her arm away. "Can't you just let me die...can't you just fucking change me? Please, just change me and everything will be so much better; we'll be so much better." Sobs wracked her body as she realized that once again, she had failed. She watched the blood soak through the towel and prayed that Carlisle would take pity on her and change her himself.

"Shhhh," Edward whispered as he wrapped her wrist with another layer of towels, binding them tightly. When he was done, he pulled her into his lap and held her gently. She felt his shoulders start to shake and a mournful cry broke through his lips. Soon, her tears joined his dry sobs, and they cried together, both lost to their own, private despair, both mourning all they had lost. Edward brought his hand to her face, trailing a thin line of blood over her cheeks. "You can't leave me. I don't know what I would do without you."

Bella was too weak and exhausted to speak, and even if she could, she had no idea what she would say. What kind of person was she if she couldn't even succeed at killing herself? She was still alive and still human - shattered beyond repair. Taking in a shallow breath, Bella willed herself back to that place she went when Edward left her, when the darkness surrounded her and there was no pain or fear, just a vast expanse of nothing. Her eyes slipped shut, and the world mercifully went black.


	11. Chapter 11  Poison and Wine

**I just have to say how much I love all your reviews. Every single one puts a smile on my face. There are only five chapters left, so things are going to start moving quickly from here on out. This is an EPOV chapter – hope you enjoy it!**

**I was nominated in two categories in The Vampie Awards! I would really appreciate your vote if you think I'm deserving. http:/twificpics(dot)com(/)vampawards**

**As always, I don't own Twilight. Just this plot and a poster of Edward.  
**

_You only know what I want you to  
I know everything you don't want me to  
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine  
Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine  
Oh I don't love you but I always will  
Oh I don't love you but I always will  
Oh I don't love you but I always will  
I always will_

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back  
The less I give the more I get back  
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise  
I don't have a choice but I still choose you  
Oh I don't love you but I always will  
Oh I don't love you but I always will  
Oh I don't love you but I always will  
Oh I don't love you but I always will  
Oh I don't love you but I always will  
Oh I don't love you but I always will  
Oh I don't love you but I always will  
I always will  
I always will  
I always will  
I always will  
I always will_  
Poison and Wine – The Civil Wars_

Bella slumped forward in Edward's arms, and even though he could still hear the steady beat of her heart, he had a moment of panic. "Bella, Bella, open your eyes!" he cried, gently shaking her shoulders. She mumbled something incoherent, but her eyelids remained closed. The minutes before Carlisle and Alice arrived felt like years, and the only thing keeping Edward together was the knowledge that once his father was there, he would be able to help her.

Edward heard the Mercedes drive up the lane and scooped Bella up in his arms. Carlisle met him at the back door and held it open for him. They walked swiftly to the car, where Alice waited in the passenger seat. It was clear she was struggling with the amount of blood coating both he and Bella.

"Edward, let me do a quick examination before I take her to the hospital," Carlisle urged. Edward walked to the open car door and slid in the back seat, placing Bella's head in his lap. While Carlisle unbound her wrist, Edward spoke to Alice.

"You don't have to come with us if this is too much. Bella would understand," he stated.

"No, Edward, I'm coming. She needs someone to be there for her. After all you've done, I don't know if that person is you anymore." The anguish in her tone was palpable.

"Alice, I-" Edward tried to interrupt.

"Nothing you say is going to change what happened - what you caused. My God, I knew things were bad between you two, but Bella kept so much hidden. All the things I saw and chose to ignore because I promised her that I would stay out of her business. We're all at fault in this - we've all failed Bella."

Edward was stunned into silence by his sister's words. He felt like a dog, kicked after it had already been mauled. Not that he didn't deserve some of the blame, but at that moment, what he really needed was for someone to tell him that it would be okay. Bella was bleeding in the back seat and Alice was berating him - he wasn't sure he could feel much worse about the state of his existence. The rustling of fabric and the smell of fresh blood brought him out of his brooding.

"Tell me something, anything," Edward begged.

"The damage doesn't look too extensive, but she is going to need surgery to repair the tendons, and quite possibly the nerves in her wrist. She's just lucky not to have arterial bleeding. I've called ahead to the hospital in Port Angeles, so they're expecting us," he said as he got into the driver's seat and began the drive to the hospital.

"I never thought she would do something like this." Edward gazed down at Bella, stroking her hair.

"Everyone has a breaking point," Alice snapped. "Did you really think Bella would be able to put up with your abuse forever?" The question hung in the air, remaining unanswered in the now quiet car.

Carlisle broke every traffic law in the book in order to get Bella to the hospital as quickly as possible. Once there, he and Edward accompanied Bella into the emergency room while Alice parked the car. Luckily, Carlisle had hospital privileges in Port Angeles, so he was able to accompany the attending ER doctor into the operating room. Alice parked herself in the waiting room and pretended to nap as she focused on Bella's future. Edward paced up and down the halls, unable to sit still, unable to grasp the reality of what had just happened. He knew that things between him and Bella had been bad lately. Hell, he knew that he was the cause of most of their problems, but he never imagined that Bella would try to take her own life. She was so strong, so full of beauty that it was inconceivable to him that she would ever try to do herself harm. The fact that she would go so far laid bare the stark reality of exactly how bad things were.

Edward knew that Bella wanted to become a vampire. He had even made a promise to change her - a promise that he had pushed off time and time again. In the beginning, he had every intention of changing her. Then, Renee was in a car accident, and all thoughts of changing Bella were put off. As the days passed by, he was sure that he could put off the inevitable, placating his wife with more promises. He had made excuses for so long that he had actually started to believe the lie that Bella would decide becoming a vampire wasn't worth it. Every time she asked again and he would promise that he would change her "soon," he would hate himself more. He hated himself for lying to her - he hated knowing that one day he would lose her to death - he started hating her for putting her soul in his hands. It was a vicious cycle that had finally spun out of control.

Now, thinking about how she looked sitting in a pool of her own blood, he wondered if he had been wrong all along. Was keeping her human damning her to a fate worse than hell - at least in her mind? As quickly as the thought formed, Edward pushed it away. He had broken so many rules of man and God in his life. He needed this one to remain unbroken. To know that his selfishness would condemn Bella to an eternity of fire and brimstone was something he could not abide.

She was so convinced that changing her would solve their problems, but Edward knew it was deeper than that. Changing her might alleviate the tensions her humanity created - he wouldn't have to hold himself back for her any longer or worry that he would lose her one day to sickness or old age, but the matter of her soul would still linger. The one good, pure thing in his life would be doomed to hell because he was too weak to resist her. He felt guilty for promising her eternal life with him - she had every right to be angry with him for making a promise he couldn't keep. He just didn't realize at the time how easy it would be to convince himself they were okay, that their love was strong enough to withstand anything.

Edward felt the impossibility of the situation they were in. Neither one of them could live with - or without - the other. But, none of that mattered at the moment. Bella was in surgery with injuries that would require months of recovery. She might have nerve damage that would permanently hinder her motor functions, not to mention the delicate state of her mental condition. So, instead of focusing on the things he couldn't change, Edward vowed to do his best to take care of Bella until she was well enough for them to seriously discuss their future together.

"Edward, there you are!" Alice scolded, throwing her hands up in exasperation. "I've been looking for you everywhere. Bella will be out of surgery soon. There weren't any complications, and from what I can see now, the only lasting damage will be some numbness to her hand. Get back to the waiting room so we will be there when Carlisle comes out." She turned around and walked purposefully down the hall. Edward followed behind her, relieved that at least physically, Bella would be okay.

They arrived in the waiting room only a few minutes before Carlisle came to give them an update. He found Alice and Edward sitting next to each other, looking everywhere in the room except at each other. He could feel the tension between them as soon as he walked into the room.

"Bella came through the surgery without a problem. She did have damage to the ulnar and median nerves, and the tendons of the extrinsic flexor muscle had to be repaired. Her injuries weren't minor, but we believe they were repaired in a way that will lead to minimal lasting damage. She's going to need physical therapy eventually, but we won't really know the total extent of any possible nerve damage until then. All things considered, she is a very lucky woman."

"Thank you, Carlisle. Words can't express how grateful I am to you, and to you, Alice. I know you're angry at me, but thank you for saving her," Edward said. "When can I see her?"

"She is just being woken up now, so in maybe another thirty minutes. I have to go back to Forks, but I will have a nurse come out and get you when you can go back. Son, a psychiatrist from the hospital is going to evaluate Bella as soon as she's able. Depending on how that goes, she may be put on medication or simply referred to counseling. Either way, the hospital is not going to discharge her until they are sure she is no longer a threat to herself. I don't think her intent was to kill herself, but this is not a sign to take lightly. Bella is in distress and needs our unconditional support, regardless of what it means to each of us personally."

"And I will be here for her every step of the way." Edward replied with just a hint of condescension in his voice. "There is nothing I won't do to make sure she is healthy and happy. I should go home and get some of her things before I can see her. I hate to leave, but I know she'll want her own things."

"I'll go, not as a favor to you. I know where Bella's things are and what she'll need," Alice said. "Since Carlisle is leaving, I'll run back to your house, get her things and drive your car back here."

"Thank you, Alice." Edward's voice was strained, his hands in tight fists at his side. It was taking all of his restraint not to lash out at Alice, but there, in the hospital, was not the place for him to have an outburst.

With one final glare at Edward and a whispered goodbye to Carlisle, she headed out of the waiting room.

"What are you going to tell Charlie?" Carlisle asked.

"I have no idea. I'm just glad she's here and not at the hospital in Forks. At least this way I have some time to think up a story. God, how did this become such a mess?" Edward slumped down into the chair, covering his face with his hands.

"I think you know exactly what happened, Edward. Esme and I should have stepped in sooner, but we've always believed in giving our children freedom. Breaking your promise to her - eroding her trust - was just the beginning. I'm disappointed in you, and I'm disappointed in myself for not being more direct with you. I know you want to see Bella, but she might not want to see you when she wakes up. If that's the case, please don't push her. You've done enough damage."

Carlisle's words shook Edward, breaking him out of his self-induced pity. "I know what she needs," he seethed. "Despite what you may think, I love Bella and will do whatever is needed to make her better."

"I'm holding you to that," Carlisle replied. The look in his eyes reflected steely resolve. He loved his son, but he also knew that Edward could be rigid and cruel. The fact that he had ignored it for so long caused him deep anguish. Carlisle loved Bella like a daughter, and even if it meant keeping Bella away from Edward, from his family, he would do what was in her best interest. "Now, I have to go back to Forks, but I'll check in with her doctor later. Remember what I said, Edward. Do not upset her any more than she already is."

Thank you, for everything," Edward said, not looking at Carlisle. He was angry and hurt at his father, but he had been there for Bella and for that he was grateful.

"I'll be in touch." Carlisle walked out of the room, feeling the weight of his failures like a yoke around his shoulders. If only he could go back and change things, but he couldn't. All that was left to do was make sure Bella was protected and pick up the shattered pieces of his family. Before leaving the hospital he spoke to a nurse, making sure she knew that Edward was only to be allowed in Bella's room if she consented. That task completed, he found his car in the parking lot. The smell of Bella's blood didn't bother him, but he knew cleaning it up immediately was a necessity. He might be able to tolerate the smell of blood in such close quarters, but since the rest of his family couldn't, he did his best to remove all traces of the smell before returning to Forks.

Alone in the waiting room, Edward opened his mind to the chatter around him. For once, he actually wanted to lose himself in the thoughts of other people. He laid his head back against the wall and let all of the random thoughts seep into his consciousness until they drifted into an incoherence resembling the buzzing of flies.

"Sir," the nurse whispered, gently shaking Edward's shoulder. He knew she was there, of course, but he needed to keep up the facade of being human.

"Oh, sorry. I must have drifted off," he apologized, rubbing his eyes and stretching.

"It's been a stressful day, so that's understandable. Your wife was awake briefly and asked to see you. If you would follow me, I will take you back to her room."

"Thank you," Edward responded, following the nurse as she strode out of the waiting room and to a bank of elevators. It seemed to take forever for the elevator to descend to the first floor. Then, it filled up with people to the point Edward thought he would suffocate from the overwhelming scent of human blood that filled the tiny space.

"Three please," the nurse said to the man closest to the buttons.

When the door opened on the third floor, Edward jumped out, jostling people aside to escape the confines of the elevator. "What room is she in?" he asked as soon as the nurse joined him in the hall.

"She's in room 315 - just take a left and the end of the hall. The doctors have prescribed a fairly high dose of morphine, so she might be sleeping. And, don't be alarmed if she's incoherent - that's just a side effect of the medication."

Edward knew this already but thanked the nurse and made his way to Bella's room. He peered in the small window on the door. Bella was lying on her back, her hair spread in a tangled mess around her head with her left arm propped up on pillows at her side. She looked so small, so pale, lying in that bed surrounded by medical equipment. It took Edward back to the last time he had seen her in the hospital, after James had almost killed her in Phoenix. His heart clenched at the thought that he could have lost her for a second time. He opened the door as quietly as possible and made his way to Bella's side.

"I'm so sorry, my Bella. I'm so sorry I can't be what you need," he whispered, lightly touching her cheek with his fingertips. "Maybe I love you too much, but I can't apologize for that. You are my life." He ghosted his lips over Bella's - they were dry and slightly rough, so unlike the way they normally felt. Her lips were poison and wine – sustaining him and tearing him apart at the same time. Edward raked his eyes over her body, taking in her sallow complexion, the purple circles under her eyes, her ragged nails. His mind flashed back to their argument earlier and how he had let her beat her fists against his chest and rake her nails down his face. He took in the bruises on her skin, left there because he was too paralyzed with shock to stop her. He had never seen Bella so unhinged. They were no stranger to fights, but this was something far beyond anything he had ever seen from her. The wildness in her eyes reminded him of an animal, and it frightened him that he had pushed her this far.

Edward pulled a chair next to the bed and sat next to Bella, stroking her fingers and talking to her about happier times. Eventually, Alice showed up with Bella's things. She unpacked her bag, placing her toiletries in the bathroom and leaving her clothes in the small closet against the wall.

"Oh, Edward, she looks so..." Alice trailed off.

"They didn't get all the blood off her face," Edward said absently. A cry was forming behind his lips, but he feared the sound that would break free if he let it pour out. No matter what Carlisle thought, his wife had tried to kill herself. She had been willing to choose death over spending the rest of her human life by his side. Grief and rage mingled together under the surface of his skin, trying to break free. He pushed them down, willing himself to keep it together. He looked at Bella and saw her standing by the counter, blood dripping from her wrist.

_"No closer! Change me or let me die. I can't live like this anymore. Don't you see you've already destroyed my soul? I just don't want to hurt anymore, Edward. I've loved you with everything I have, but I know now that it isn't enough."_

He saw the knife slice through the skin of her wrist. She didn't even flinch as the knife sunk into her flesh.

_"Tell your family I'm sorry. I don't want to leave them, but I just...this is the only way."_

He saw her sitting on the floor, drawing patterns in her blood.

"Oh, God, Bella." Edward's cry echoed across the room, raw and anguished. Sobs shook his body until venom stung his eyes. He wished so badly that he could cry real tears - that his body could release the physical manifestation of his grief. He sobbed for himself - he sobbed for Bella - for all that they had and all that they had lost. Although his body could never be tired, he felt exhausted, beaten down by events he could never change, words he could never take back.

"I'm sorry you had to see that." He looked at Alice, hoping she knew he was sincere.

"It's a little too-never mind," she said, completely ignoring his apology. "I would like to clean Bella up, so I would appreciate it if you could give us some privacy." Her request came out more like a command, and Edward knew from reading Alice's thoughts that she was still furious at him and desperate to talk to Bella. Apparently she thought Bella should move back in with Charlie instead of going home with him.

"Just don't wake her up. I know you're just dying to talk to her about what a monster I am, but she needs her rest," Edward replied curtly. "Oh, and Bella will be coming home with me."

"I think Bella can make her own decisions, Edward. She deserves to know that the family will support whatever she chooses to do when she gets out of here. Now go," she said, pointing to the door.

Edward walked into the hall, resentful that Alice kicked him out and slumped down on the floor outside the room. He let the humm and buzz of the hospital lull his mind into a more tranquil state. He needed to be strong for Bella - he couldn't let her see him anything less than calm and composed.

"You can come back in now," Alice said, sticking her head out the door.

Edward walked back in the room and immediately went back to Bella's side. She looked much better. Alice had brushed her hair, washed her face, and cleaned her nails. He couldn't believe that Bella hadn't woken up, although from the smell of her blood, she did have a high level of morphine in her system.

"Thank you, Alice." He paused, not sure he wanted to speak to her any more than necessary, but he needed to know when his wife would wake up. "Have you seen...do you know when she'll wake up?"

Alice's face went dark for a split second. She had been hiding many of her thoughts from him since she arrived at his house a few hours ago. It made Edward crazy, but he knew that he was persona non grata at the moment. He just hoped that she wouldn't keep anything important from him.

"She wakes up tomorrow, but only for a few minutes."

A few minutes was all he needed - just a moment to look into her eyes and see that she was really there - to tell her that he loved her and know that she heard him. "What am I going to tell Charlie? How do I keep this from him?" Edward said, thinking out loud. He was used to coming up with cover stories, lies to replace truths too real for most people to accept, but this was something entirely different. What kind of lie would cover up the fact his daughter had attempted to kill herself?

Alice sighed for a moment, as if she hated extending any courtesy to her brother. "Tell him that she tripped going down the stairs and put out her hands to catch herself. I think the simpler we keep this the better. Charlie won't question it." Alice was already dialing her phone, preparing to relay their prepared story to Carlisle.

It was better than anything Edward had thought of, and something completely plausible for Bella to do, so Edward collected himself and stepped out into the hall to call Charlie.

Charlie picked up on the first ring. "What's wrong, Edward? This better not have anything to do with what happened earlier." No hello, how ya doing - Charlie knew that Edward didn't make social calls.

"Bella fell down the stairs and threw out her arms to catch herself. She ended up breaking her left wrist," Edward paused for a moment, waiting for Charlie to speak.

"So, she's okay, besides the broken wrists?" Charlie asked.

"She'll probably have some bumps and bruises, but other than that, she's fine. The doctors had to operate to set the bones, so she's out cold right now. Carlisle spoke to her doctor, and the surgery went well. She should be just fine. I'm sorry I didn't call you sooner, but it happened so fast-"

"That's okay, Edward," Charlie cut him off. "I'm just glad she's going to be okay. This isn't the first broken bone Bella's had, so it's not exactly shocking news. I would come up to the hospital to see her, but we're a man short tonight. Could you just keep me posted, and have her call as soon as she's feeling up to it?" Edward could tell Charlie was upset he couldn't make it to the hospital, but didn't want to let Edward see him as weak. He had never completely warmed up to Edward, and today's stunt certainly hadn't earned him any points.

"Of course, Charlie. The doctor has given her some pretty heavy pain medicine, so I'm not sure if she'll be much for talking tomorrow or not, but I'll call you as soon as she wakes up."

"You do that." Charlie hung up the phone, leaving Edward listening to silence.

"That went well," he muttered to himself. Then, he called Renee and told her the same story. She wanted to fly out immediately, but Edward convinced her that it would better for her to stay home for the time being. He had enough to deal with without worrying about Renee - she was more observant than most humans, and that was an added stress he couldn't deal with.

Alice was sitting beside Bella, stroking her hair when Edward came back into the room. "You don't have to stay, Alice. They'll be kicking me out of here soon - I think visiting hours end at eight. I'm just going to head down to the waiting room for the night."

"I'll stay until you leave," she said in a voice that left no room for argument.

They sat silently on either side of Bella until a nurse came to tell them visiting hours were over. Edward decided to go home to shower and change clothes. "You promise, if you see anything, call me," Edward repeated to Alice before they parted ways in the parking lot.

"Yes," Alice replied wearily. "I told you, she wakes up tomorrow morning at 10:47. Oh, and if you value your life, stay away from Emmett." She turned away from Edward and started walking out of the parking lot. For a moment, he considered asking if she wanted a ride, but the thought died before it reached his lips. He was well aware what a disappointment he was to the whole family - he didn't need even a second more of Alice reminding him of that fact.

Edward walked into the house and was immediately assaulted by the smell of blood. He walked into the kitchen, trying to keep visions of Bella out of his mind. He turned on the radio, hoping the music would drown out the screaming in his head. He couldn't listen to Bella's cries, Alice's admonishment, his own anger...he needed it all to just stop. There was bleach and cleaning rags under the sink, so he grabbed a bucket from the closet and filled it with hot water. He poured bleach directly on the tile and scrubbed the floor until not a spot of blood remained. He took the knife she had used and threw it in the trash. Then, he picked up the contents of the drawer he had spilled and put everything back in order. The smell of Bella's blood still filled his nose, even though he had used a whole bottle of bleach to clean the kitchen. Finally, he gave up and went upstairs, hoping to escape the smell. He turned the hot water on and let the bathroom fill up with steam before stripping off his clothes and stepping in the shower. No matter how much he scrubbed, Edward didn't feel clean. After what he had seen that day, he didn't think he would ever feel clean again.

He spent the night pacing the halls of his house, frantic to get back to the hospital and see Bella. There, in the house where she had tried to take her life, he was haunted with thoughts that she had actually died. Although he knew it was untrue, his mind played tricks on him all night. He must have looked at his phone a million times just to make sure he hadn't missed a call from Alice. As the minutes ticked by, Edward was sure he was losing his mind. He saw Bella in every shadow, and the smallest of noises scratched at his brain until he fell to his knees, begging God to make the noise stop. He felt like he was in a Dali painting, trapped with no way out. As soon as the first light of dawn peeked over the horizon, Edward got in his car and sped to the hospital. Nothing would be real until he saw Bella - the screaming in his head wouldn't surrender until he could touch her warm lips and know she was alive.

Visiting hours hadn't started when Edward arrived at the hospital, but he was desperate to see Bella, so he took the elevator to the third floor and used his best persuasive efforts on the first nurse he encountered. She didn't resist, letting Edward in Bella's room without complaint. The sound of her beating heart and heavy breathing immediately centered him. The world was still turning - his Bella was alive and would wake up in five hours, forty five minutes. He walked silently to her bedside and just watched her for the longest time. The dark circles under her eyes seemed to be a bit lighter, although her skin was still too pale. "Good morning, my Bella," he whispered before placing the softest of kisses on her lips. Even though she didn't move or give even the smallest sign she knew he was there, Edward was content. It was enough for him to touch her skin - to know that she was alive. Nothing was impossible as long as she continued to exist.


	12. Chapter 12  Awake

**Sorry this is posting a bit later than normal. I was out of town this weekend. Bella wakes up, Edward gets another ass chewing from Carlisle, and Jasper makes an appearance. Hope you enjoy the ride!**

**Thanks so much to everyone who reviews. I really do love hearing your thoughts on the store, even when you might not like something in the chapter.**

**I don't own Twilight – just this plot.**

_There's a possibility  
There's a possibility  
All that I had was all I gon' get  
There's a possibility  
There's a possibility  
All I gon get is gone with your step  
All I gon get is gone with your step_

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,  
You're the only one who knows  
Tell me when you hear my silence  
There's a possibility  
I wouldn't know

Know that when you leave  
Know that when you leave  
By blood and by mean  
You walk like a thieve  
By blood and by mean  
I'll fall when you leave

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,  
You're the only one who knows  
Tell me when you hear my silence  
There's a possibility  
I wouldn't know

So tell me when my sigh is over  
You're the reason why I'm close  
Tell me when you hear me falling  
Theres a possibility  
It wouldn't show

By blood and by mean  
I fall when you leave  
By blood and by mean  
I follow your lead

_Possibility – Lykke Li_

By the time visiting hours started, the whole Cullen family was at the hospital. Edward was sitting in a chair at Bella's side, stroking her fingers as she slept. Only two people were allowed in her room at a time; it was just his luck that Carlisle was the first visitor.

"Bella's vital signs all look good, and her morphine dose was cut overnight, so she should wake up in a few hours, give or take," he said after coming in the room and looking over her chart.

"You haven't spoken to Alice?" Edward asked.

"No, I called Esme on my way here, and she told me that Alice said I should come straight here. Why?"

"Yesterday she told me that Bella would wake up at 10:47. Why would she want you to come here right away if Bella is fine?"

Carlisle didn't have to wonder - he had been struggling all night with what to say to Edward today. He needed answers, needed to know how his son had changed so much from the thoughtful, kind man he had been just a few years ago. Emse had listened to him patiently as he agonized about when and how to approach Edward without causing him to lash out or shut down. Apparently, Alice had seen the outcome and made the decision for him. The conversation would be right here in Bella's hospital room. Actually, it was probably for the best. She wouldn't wake up, but her simple presence in the room might serve to keep his son focused and under control.

An uncomfortable silence filled the room before Carlisle pulled a chair from across the room and sat down next to Edward. "What happened, son? Why did Bella do this?" he asked.

"We were fighting," Edward said with a sigh. "I...I told her she couldn't go to Forks alone anymore and she just snapped. She...she just snapped."

"What would possess you to tell her she couldn't go to Forks by herself? I know you don't like her friendship with Jacob, but she isn't a child, Edward."

"Don't you think I know that?" he snapped. "God, Carlisle, everything has been spinning out of control lately, and I feel like I'm just grasping at straws. It seems like everything I say, everything I do, is wrong. I can't win - no matter what I do - I can't win." Edward never took his eyes off Bella. Despite the hopelessness he felt when he spoke about their problems, she was still the center of his world.

"I did this - I promised to change her, but, just look at her. How can I take away her humanity? How can I damn her? She just doesn't understand; all she sees is a broken promise. I don't know what to do anymore."

"Edward, you're not giving Bella enough credit here. She knows what becoming a vampire means, the risk involved, the sacrifices she will have to make, and she accepts it all. I understand that you don't want to damn her soul, but you promised that you would change her. You put your reservations aside and promised her an eternal life with you. After you broke her trust, did you expect your relationship not to be effected?" Carlisle asked. His timbre was low and even - it was almost like he was speaking to a skittish animal. He knew how easy it was to set off Edward and was trying his best to prevent that from happening.

"I suppose I thought she would get over her obsession with becoming a vampire when she saw what a good life we could have together. Instead, it's become clear to me that our life together isn't enough for her. She's so hell bent on changing that she can't appreciate what we have."

"You know Bella better than that. She put all of her hope in becoming a vampire so that she could be with you forever. Saying she has an obsession with becoming a vampire is insulting her and the commitment she has to you. Trying to dissuade her from becoming a vampire isn't as simple as ignoring your promise and hoping the issue will go away. You have to talk to her about your reservations and your fears. She needs to understand why you've gone back on your promise. And you need to be willing to really listen to what she has to say, even if it is something you don't want to hear."

"There's no middle ground here, is there?" Edward whispered.

"No, son, there isn't. As long as Bella is human - as long as you refuse to change her - you have to stop punishing her for things she can't control. I've seen these last few years how you're so quick to cut her down-"

"And you don't know how much I hate myself for it," Edward interjected. "I tell myself I'm going to be patient - not lose my temper- but then I just end up hurting her again. Holding myself back day after day, I thought I would be able to handle it..." Edward trailed off, shaking his head.

"But we all hold ourselves back every day - that's part of the sacrifice we make to live civilized lives," Carlisle argued. "No matter how you try to justify it, your behavior toward Bella these last few years has been shameful. I should have said something to you long before this."

"I'm not trying to justify my behavior. What no one seems to understand...look, at the end of the day you go home to Esme and don't have to hold yourself back anymore. I don't have to hide who I am with Bella, but I still can't be who I really am, either. Sometimes I resent her, and I hate myself for it. I know it's not right, but it's the way I feel." Edward rubbed his face. Vampires didn't get tired, but he was exhausted. It was as if the last one hundred and eleven years of sleepless nights were crashing down on him all at once. He couldn't even muster up the strength to be mad at Carlisle.

"There are no easy answers here, Edward. But, you need to think very hard about the promise you made to Bella and if you are going to stick by your decision not to change her. She deserves to know the truth. For your relationship to have any hope at all, you must be honest with her. And for her sake, you have to do more than try to treat her with respect. She's your wife - your mate. Start acting like it."

Edward looked at his father and nodded. He was so confused; it felt like he was caught in a rip tide and couldn't tell which way was up. Looking at Bella, feeling her warm flesh under his fingers, was the only thing keeping him from completely losing it. "I'm so sick and tired of everyone blaming me for the problems in my marriage. I know I'm not perfect, but you have no idea what goes on between Bella and me. So please, don't patronize me."

"I'm not trying to. I didn't come here to argue with you. I've said what I needed to say, and nothing looks amiss in Bella's chart, so I'll leave you alone. I need to get back to Forks, but I can be back here if anything changes with her condition."

"Hmmm," Edward hummed non-commitally and busied himself with rearranging Bella's blankets. A quiet sigh of frustration passed Carlisle's lips as he left the room. It seemed that there was no getting through to his son. But, as a father all he could do was guide his children and hope they made the right decisions. So far, he felt like he was fighting a losing battle. 

Edward spent the next hours at Bella's side. He had no doubt Alice's prediction would be correct, so he passed the time quietly talking to her, reminding Bella of his love and devotion. He talked about some of his favorite memories: the look on her face when he showed up to take her to school for the first time, their first kiss, their wedding, Isle Esme. Each memory was burned into his mind and recalling them brought all of his senses to life. The minutes ticked by, and as the appointed time grew closer, Edward stood by the bed and began to softly hum her lullaby. At 10:47 on the dot, Bella's eyes fluttered open. She looked around the room, her eyes darting frantically, and when her eyes landed on Edward, she smiled tentatively.

"Edward," she whispered. "What time is it?" Her voice was thick with sleep and the drugs still coursing through her system.

"Almost eleven Saturday morning. How do you feel? Can I get you anything?" Edward asked. Before she could answer, he covered her face with kisses, murmuring, "I'm so sorry, love. I'm so sorry." His lips drifted to her mouth, and he kissed her as passionately has he dared. He buried his hands in her hair, pressing their faces even closer together. His body vibrated from the pure joy that Bella was awake and not pushing him away. When she pulled back to take a breath, Edward wound their fingers together and pressed his forehead to hers. "Bella, I was so scared I would never get to do that again. I love you so much. I'm so sorry...for everything."

Bella closed her eyes and just let herself be comforted by Edward's presence. She harbored so much anger, so much resentment towards him, but for just a moment she needed to feel safe and loved. "I love you," she said, pulling back her head to look at his face. He was so beautiful, but if she closed her eyes, she could see that same beautiful face, twisted and cruel. She shook her head, trying to dispel those ugly images. But, as much as she tried, there was no way to completely block them out - not when she was in a hospital bed on a psych hold. There were some images that just wouldn't fade - not the feeling of the knife cutting through her skin or the way Edward froze as she slumped to the floor in a pool of her own blood. No amount of trying would ever wipe those memories away. In a snap, the despair was back.

"Is there anything you need?" Edward asked. "Are you feeling okay?" He buzzed around her bed like a mother hen, adjusting her blankets and straightening her pillow. What did she need? Bella looked at the faded green walls of her hospital room, at the cast on her arm. She took in Edward's perfection, his marble skin and topaz eyes, then she looked down at her chest and watched it rise and fall with each breath she took. Nothing had changed and he wanted to know what she needed? How much louder could she scream before he would finally hear her?

"Um, water," she said, not trying to hide the hopelessness in her voice. "And I feel like I tried to kill myself." She knew her words were harsh, but she was ready to face the reality, no matter how difficult. Her actions weren't a cry for help or a stunt to get his attention. She gave him the choice to change her or let her die. Instead, he took the third choice - the choice she didn't let herself consider: he chose to do nothing. For the past three years, Edward had refused to change her and each day Bella remained human he grew more bitter, more cruel. Their relationship stagnated to the point that the only thing that grew between them was resentment. Her last hope was that by changing her, Edward would change himself as well. 

Edward almost spilled the water he was pouring. "Here, drink," he said as he held the straw up to her mouth. Bella drank greedily, the water soothing on her raw throat. "About what happened-"

"We both know what happened," Bella snapped, cutting him off. "God, I want to hate you. Look what I did." She raised her arm, encased in a soft cast from her hand to her elbow. "I did this...I thought...I guess it really doesn't matter. I'm alive and still human and I want to hate you for it, but I can't. You've torn me down to nothing, Edward, but I still love you. How sick is that?"

Edward slumped down into the chair beside Bella's bed, stunned into silence by her words. What could he say to her to make her understand? How could he make her see that staying human wasn't the curse she had made it out to be? How could he convince her that he wasn't completely selfish - that everything he had done over the past three years had been for her?

"Bella, I couldn't let you die. You are my life, my reason for existence. Without you, I have nothing." His words seemed inadequate, but so much of what he wanted to say was stuck in his throat.

"It's always about you, isn't it? What about me? What about my life? God, I'm just so tired, so fucking tired," she said, turning her head away from Edward. "Just go, please."

"If that's what you want," Edward replied, feeling the rip tide take him over.

"It is," Bella said. She clumsily reached for the controller for her morphine drip and pressed the trigger twice.

Edward stumbled out into the hall and found Jasper leaning against the wall outside Bella's room. He wasn't sure whether to be mad at Jasper for listening in to his conversation with Bella or happy he was there so he could work his magic and provide him some relief.

"She's asleep."

"I know. Alice saw Bella asking you to leave, so I volunteered to swing by and sit with her. She's in the waiting room," Jasper said and started to walk past Edward.

"Before I leave, could you-"

"I know what you're feeling, and you deserve all of it. Now, if you'll excuse me," he replied, walked past Edward and entered Bella's room.

Edward was expecting Jasper to be angry with him, but the force of his contempt still rattled him. They say no man is an island, but at the moment, Edward certainly felt like it - and it was a very, very lonely feeling. He slowly made his way down to the waiting room, dreading whatever Alice had in store for him. He wanted to run - to escape reality for just a few minutes - but ignoring his sister was never a good idea. So, he'd take his licks now and hunt later. Alice was reading a magazine when Edward found her in the waiting room. He sat down next to her and sighed.

"I'm not going to yell at you, Edward. I know you need to hunt, so I just wanted to tell you to go now, because Bella will be asleep for a few hours. Don't think you're off the hook. Now is just not the time or the place for us to discuss the situation," she said, speaking low so the people sitting around them couldn't eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Thanks for the generosity," Edward replied, lacing his words with sarcasm. But, he was grateful for the chance to escape the humming of all the voices that filled his head. Alice's was the loudest of them all. He knew sitting beside her wasn't an option, so he took the opportunity to leave for what it was and escaped the hospital as fast as he could. He walked until he reached the edge of the forest and started running. Edward ran for miles, letting the thrill of the speed and the feel of the wind against his skin wash away all of his thoughts. He was working on nothing but instinct, following the scents of the forest as they led him to his next meal.

At the hospital, Jasper sat next to Bella, sending her all of the peaceful, calm feelings he could project. Even in a deep, medicated sleep, he could still feel wave after wave of confusion, anger, guilt, sadness, and defeat roll off her small body. It had always been hard for Jasper to be around Bella. His adoption of the vegetarian lifestyle was still fairly new to him and having her in close proximity was taxing on his will power. But, the longer she had been around his family, the more he became adapted to the smell of her blood. As he sat next to her hospital bed, he barely registered the smell. He was in awe of this human girl who fought so hard to be a part of his world. She had faced death and loss, braved the Volturi and Victoria, all to end up believing death was a better alternative than a human life with Edward.

As Jasper sat with Bella, nurses came and went, checking her vital signs and administering antibiotics through her IV. He was surprised when two hours had passed and Edward still wasn't back, but he wasn't overly concerned. He realized that his brother probably needed to hunt, and he really wasn't missing him hovering over Bella. The clock had just passed one thirty when Bella's heart rate and breathing changed enough that Jasper was certain she would wake up soon. He made sure he wasn't sitting too close to her bed, just in case she was startled by his presence. It took her a few minutes to come to, but when she did, she looked immediately in his direction.

"Jasper?" she said, sounding confused.

"Edward needed to hunt, so I volunteered to keep you company," he responded. "If that's okay with you."

"No, that's fine. But, um, I think I need a nurse."

"Are you in pain?"

"Human moment," Bella replied, turning bright red.

"Oh, well, um, I'll get a nurse for you and wait out here," Jasper replied. He dashed out of the room, not bothering to hide his speed. A few minutes later, a nurse walked in the room.

"What can I do for you, Bella?" she asked.

"I need to go to the restroom, and I would really love to brush my teeth." It was embarrassing for Bella to ask for help from a stranger; she would have much rather had Alice there.

"No problem, dear. After you get cleaned up, would like to eat something?" the nurse asked.

Bella wasn't very hungry, but she knew that she needed to eat. "Sure, thanks."

The nurse helped Bella to the bathroom and when she emerged, face washed, teeth brushed, and hair combed, she felt much better. An orderly had delivered a plate over very unappealing looking hospital food, which Bella managed to feed herself, very clumsily. More soup landed on her shirt than in her mouth, but she was determined not to have to rely on anyone to feed her. When she was finished, the nurse helped her change into a clean gown, checked her vitals one more time, and left the room, promising to tell Jasper it was safe for him to come back in.

"What is that smell?" he asked as soon as he walked in the room.

"Hospital food. It's nasty, but a girl's gotta eat," Bella replied, trying to sound cheery.

Jasper sat back down in the chair next to her bed. "So, how are you feeling? I guess that's a dumb question, huh?"

"No, it's not. I'd be lying if I said I was fine, but all things considered, I think I'm doing okay. I'm sure they'll send a shrink up here soon to evaluate me. Hopefully I can pass their test and get the heck out of here." Bella was not looking forward to talking to the hospital psychiatrist. For one, she really wasn't comfortable opening up to strangers, and she wasn't even sure what she would say. Hopefully she could mix enough lies with the truth to be believable.

"Bella, I know you're not one for talking about personal stuff, but it might be a good idea to talk to someone about all this," he said, waving his arms around. "You can't talk about everything, but it might do you good to talk-"

"The only good it will do me is getting out of here. I haven't handled all this very well, but you know I'm not crazy, right?"

"Yes," Jasper sighed. "I know you're not crazy. But, I can feel all your emotions - the despair, the anger, the confusion. They aren't nothing, and unless you deal with them, they're just going to keep getting worse."

Bella's first instinct was to shut down. She had never been close to Jasper, and his sudden interest in her was a bit confusing. But, she couldn't deny what she was feeling to him like she could everyone else. He had probably been registering her conflicting emotions for years and stayed silent. Now that he was making an attempt to talk to her, the least she could do was give him the courtesy of listening.

"You're right. I have so many emotions running around inside me right now that I don't know what to feel. It seems like things have been going downhill between Edward and me for so long now, and I just don't know what to do to make it better."

"Have you ever thought that it's his responsibility, too? Not all of this should be on your shoulders."

"It just seems like I make him so unhappy, Jasper, and I don't know how to be what he needs anymore." Bella's shoulders slumped even further as the weight of her unhappiness hit Jasper once again.

"That's just the thing," Jasper replied. "You are the person he needs; if he refuses to see it, there's nothing you can do about it. Why should you have to change who you are as a person to make him happy?"

"I guess I've never wanted to think about what it would mean if I couldn't be the person he needed. It feels like I was born to love Edward, but what if I wasn't? I've built my whole live around him - what else is there for me?"

"You're smart and strong, Bella. There's a whole world out there for you. I'm not going to sit here and tell you what to do - all I ask is that you start taking care of yourself."

"All this would be so much easier if he would just change me," Bella whispered.

"Can I speak frankly?" Jasper asked.

"Of course." She fidgeted nervously, anxious about what Jasper had to say.

"Edward has always felt like he didn't deserve to have a soul. His acceptance of his life as a vampire has been...difficult to say the least. Until you came along, he hadn't put much thought into what would happen after he ceased to exist. Then, you come into his life and want to become a vampire. He's had to battle his inner demons - his warring belief that changing you would damn your soul - and the fear that he would lose you one day to sickness or old age. He hasn't changed you yet, so..." Jasper trailed off, not wanting to finish his thought.

"He can't change me, yet he despises my humanity. I can't win."

Jasper looked at Bella, his eyes full of sympathy. In the end, she really couldn't win, but he just didn't have the heart to confirm her fears. Besides, who was he to say they didn't have a chance? This incident with Bella could either bring them closer together or confirm that they weren't meant to be." You two have a lot to work out," he said, trying to shake off the oppressive weight of all the emotions swirling around him.

They lapsed back into silence, each left to their own thoughts. Jasper thought of Alice, wishing she was there with him to ease the burden - being an empath was no easy task. Bella felt the tiny fragments of her heart turn to dust as she thought about everything Jasper said. Her dream, her fairytale, was so close she could taste it, but what if Jasper was right and her happily ever after with Edward wasn't meant to be. If it wasn't, was it time for her to finally accept it and let the dream go? 


	13. Chapter 13  This Ain't A Fairytale

**I can't believe there are only two chapters and the epilogue left after this! It's been an amazing ride, and I am so thankful that you've been with me. I wrote the story because I wanted to end the Saga my way. I wasn't sure what kind of reception to expect, and you guys have totally blown me away.**

**Edward and Bella actually have a serious conversation this chapter - I hope you like it!**

**As always, I don't own Twilight, just this plot.**

_Say you're sorry,  
that face of an angel comes out  
just when you need it to_

As I pace back and forth  
all this time because I  
honestly believed in you

Holding on the days drag on  
Stupid girl I should've known  
I should've known

(Chorus)  
I'm not a princess  
This ain't a fairytale  
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet  
lead her up the stairwell  
This ain't Hollywood  
This is a small town  
I was a dreamer before  
you went and let me down  
Now it's too late for you and your white horse  
to come around

Baby I was naive got lost in your eyes  
and never really had a chance  
Well my mistake I didn't know to be in love  
you had to fight to have the upper hand  
I had so many dreams about you and me  
Happy endings now I know

(Chorus)  
That I'm not a princess  
This ain't a fairytale  
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet  
lead her up the stairwell  
This ain't Hollywood  
This is a small town  
I was a dreamer before  
you went and let me down  
Now it's too late for you and your white horse  
to come around

And there you are on your knees  
Begging for forgiveness  
Begging for me  
Just like I always wanted  
But I'm so sorry

Because i'm not your princess  
this ain't a fairytale  
I'm gonna find someone someday  
who might actually treat me well  
This is a big world  
It was a small town  
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now  
And it's too late for you and your white horse  
now it's too late for you and your white horse  
to catch me now.

_White Horse – Taylor Swift_

After four days and several visits with the hospital psychiatrist, Bella was deemed to be not a danger to herself or others and allowed to go home. She had done her best to open up to Dr. Andrews about what was going on in her marriage. It was hard for her to talk about their problems, but Dr. Andrews helped her see their situation more clearly. She sent Bella home with a prescription for anti-depressants and a follow up appointment the following week. But, as much talking and thinking as she had done, by the time Edward wheeled her out of the hospital, Bella was no closer to figuring out what to do. She couldn't imagine leaving Edward, but she also couldn't imagine staying with him as a human. And, if she did leave, where would she go? She didn't have much money saved and no single friends she could move in with. More importantly, how would Edward react to her leaving? Would he try to start another war with the wolves? Would he follow her and make her come back home? There were so many unanswered questions, and she had so little strength to deal with them at the moment.

She fiddled with the radio on the way home, unsure of what to say to Edward and nervous to go home. She wasn't sure she would be able to go in the kitchen, afraid of the memories that would flash before her eyes when she looked at the butcher block or the white tile floor. Could she sit at the table and sip her coffee, knowing she tried to kill herself in that very room? Bella was about to change the radio station again when Edward gently stopped her hand.

"Bella, you can talk to me, you know."

"I know," she said, sighing softly. "It's nothing really. I'm just tired and feel grimy. A hot bath, real food and bed sound wonderful right now."

Edward reached out and stroked the side of her cheek. "If that is what you want, that is what you'll get, love."

Bella lay her head back in the plush leather seat and closed her eyes. She must have drifted off because when she opened her eyes, Edward was opening the passenger side door.

"I was going to carry you in the house. You were sleeping so soundly I didn't want to wake you."

"If you help me out of the car, I think I can make it," she responded and held out her arms. Edward wrapped his hands around her upper arms and helped her out of the car. He turned and walked towards the door, unlocking it and holding it open for Bella.

Her feet felt like lead as she took the few steps between the car and the door. She peered inside. "I...I can't go in there," she whispered.

Edward let the door swing closed and wrapped his arms around Bella. "We'll go in the front door, how's that?" he asked.

She nodded against his chest and wrapped her arms around him. "I'm sorry. It's just-"

Edward silenced her with a kiss. "Shh, no apologizing. We can rip out the kitchen - hell, we can move for all I care. Let's get you inside and I'll draw a bath for you." He put his arm around Bella's shoulder and they walked around the house. Once Edward had unlocked the door, Bella had no problem going inside - as long as she stayed out of the kitchen, she would be fine.

As promised, Edward immediately went upstairs to their bedroom and started the water in the jacuzzi tub. He poured in bath salts and turned the lights to dim. Bella slipped into the bathroom and Edward helped her remove her jeans. Although Bella could dress herself, she still had difficulty with buttons. He continued undressing her, taking his time removing each layer of clothing, and trailing his fingers over her exposed flesh. Despite herself, Bella shivered under his touch. It had been a long time since they had been intimate, and her body reacted instinctively. As he knelt down to pull her jeans off, her hands found his hair.

Edward sucked in his breath as he smelled Bella's arousal and his fingers stilled. As much as he wanted to go farther, he wouldn't move another muscle without her consent. "Would you like me to start the jets," he asked, trying to pull himself together.

Bella's mind was at war with her body. She knew, with all their problems, they should not be doing this. But, her body craved him and she couldn't stop herself from spurring him on. "Touch me," she pleaded, pulling his hair.

"God, Bella," he moaned against the smooth skin of her stomach. His hands roamed over her naked body and every cell in his body came alive as his senses flooded with all that was Bella. He grazed his nose up her stomach and ran it over the pebbled skin of her nipple before sucking it gently into his mouth. "I've missed you." While Edward's hands and tongue continued their exploration of her body, Bella let her mind clear of everything but the pleasure she was feeling.

Disjointed moans fell from her lips as teeth and tongue, palms and fingers grazed every inch of her body. When Edward sat back on his heels and pulled her toward him, burying his mouth in her pussy, she wasn't sure if she would be able to stand on her own much longer. He laved her with his tongue, nipping her swollen flesh, driving her closer and closer to the edge. He held her steady when her legs started to shake, and when the world exploded around her, he picked her up and gently put her in the jacuzzi.

"Ahh." Bella exhaled as the water enveloped her, still floating on the bliss of her orgasm.

Edward admired the way her lips puckered out in a pout and leaned down to place a kiss on her lips. "I'm going to get some dinner started for you. I think there are a few meals you froze recently I could heat up. How does that sound?"

"Heavenly," she replied. "And a glass of wine would be amazing."

Edward turned on the jets and kissed Bella before he went downstairs to turn on the oven and pull a meal out of the refrigerator. As he waited for the oven to pre-heat, he opened a bottle of red wine to let it breathe. When the oven beeped he put in the food, set the timer, and poured a glass of wine for Bella. He walked in the bathroom and set the glass on the edge of the tub.

"Thank you." Bella took a drink of the wine and handed the glass back to Edward.

He took the glass from her hand and set it beside him on the floor, then grabbed the shower poof and squirted Bella's favorite bath gel on it. The scent assaulted him immediately - freesia - one of his favorite scents. Of course, he didn't need the bath gel;Bella's natural fragrance was more decadent than anything made by man. Starting at her shoulders, he rubbed the poof across her skin in a circular motion. Bella moaned occasionally, but otherwise stayed quiet as Edward bathed her. He couldn't help his fingers from grazing her nipples, or his lips from brushing across the back of her neck as he washed her hair. He kissed the tip of each finger reverently before getting a towel and helping Bella out of the tub.

"Mmmm," Bella hummed as Edward toweled her off. "I could get used to this."

"So could I," he answered, mischievously. "What would you like to wear, love?"

"Just my robe is fine. I'm going to eat and crash."

"Your food should be done, would you like me to bring it up here for you?"

"Actually, that would be great. Thanks." The idea of walking downstairs was not appealing - the idea of getting anywhere near the kitchen was even less so.

Edward helped Bella into her robe and went downstairs to the kitchen. He took the food out of the oven and plated it, poured a glass of water, and put them both on a tray with silverware and a napkin. Back in their bedroom, he found Bella already in bed.

"That smells heavenly. I can't tell you how foul hospital food tastes."

"The smell alone is revolting. Although, human food in general is pretty revolting."

As Edward set the tray in front of her, Bella let herself think, just for a moment, that their relationship was always like this, so easy and light. But the storm clouds hovering over her head were sure to unleash sooner or later. She knew the feeling of the calm before the storm - she would eventually do or say something to earn Edward's ire. But, for now, she would enjoy her dinner and hope the peace continued.

After she had eaten, Edward tucked her into bed and shut off the light. "Sleep well, my Bella," he whispered, kissing her softly before turning to leave.

"Wait - could you stay with me? At least until I fall asleep," Bella asked, shifting in the bed so that she was facing Edward. Even with despair forcing its way into her mind, she still clung to the love that she had for Edward. Despite all that was wrong, he was still her Prince Charming. She knew she was clutching at straws, but when you're at the end of the road, what else is there to do?

Through the light that filtered through the blinds, she could see the corners of his mouth shift up into a smile. "Of course." He crossed the room and lay on the bed next to Bella and propped himself up on one arm. "I'm so glad you're back home. Bella, I know you're angry at me for not changing you. When you're feeling better, we need to talk...about all of this."

Silence lingered in the air as Bella thought about everything she wanted to say. Should she agree with Edward that they could talk about things when she was feeling better? Or, should she take the initiative and start the conversation here and now? Edward stared at her, not pressing her to talk. He was aware of his wife's fragile mental state and didn't want to do anything to upset her if he could help it. But, he did want her to know that he wanted to talk and was willing to listen.

"I know I haven't been the best listener lately, but I want you to know that whenever you're ready, I'm here."

"What happened to us, Edward? We used to be so happy. You were going to change me - we were going to have eternity together. And now..." What else could she say - it was pretty obvious that things between them had been deteriorating for awhile.

"I thought I could change you, Bella. I convinced myself I had made peace with damning your soul to hell so that I could have you forever. But, don't you understand you are the only good thing about me? I'm a monster - I've killed, and lied, been apathetic and greedy - there aren't many sins I haven't committed. The minute I lost my soul, I didn't care about myself anymore. But you, you're pure - good. The thought of condemning your soul to an eternity of torture...it's the most selfish sin I could ever commit."

"Why can't you understand that without you, my soul means nothing to me? If there is such thing as heaven and I'm there without you for an eternity - that's its own form of torture."

"There is no comparison. Hell is fire and pain, suffering without end. In Heaven, there is no sadness, no sickness or death. You wouldn't even remember me - it would truly be as if I never existed."

"That's impossible. You've left an indelible mark on my life - death, heaven, hell - nothing can take that away. You are my life, my future, my eternity, Edward. I know what you sacrifice to be with me. If I was a vampire, we would be equal. You wouldn't have to watch your every move - I wouldn't hold you back anymore. Can't you see, unless I'm your equal, I'm nothing."

Edward pulled at his hair as he felt his frustration rise. "Why is the thought of staying human so repulsive to you? Is the idea of spending the rest of your natural life with me that horrible?"

"Yes!" Bella yelled, scooting into a sitting position. "I'm getting older every day. Right now the difference isn't that big of a deal, but what happens when I start to look like your mother, or grandmother? Are you going to want to be with me when I have to take my teeth out at night? And how do you expect me to grow old with you beside me, eternally seventeen? Have you thought about that at all? You tell me your love for me is deeper than the superficial, but I'm sorry, sitting with you at dinner and having the waiter call you my grandson is not something I can handle. I didn't plan on slitting my wrists, but Edward, at that moment it was the only way I could think of to make you see that I can't stay human. I can't fucking stay human and be your mate."

"You can't..." Edward trailed off. He was stunned by Bella's bluntness. He wondered how many signs he had missed that they were coming to the edge of a cliff.

"I'm straddling the line between two worlds, and it's fucking exhausting. One of these days, I'm going to have to pick a side. I can be a part of your world, or I can be human, but I can't be both. We've been fighting it for so long - don't you see how it's destroying us both?"

"What will destroy me is living this existence without you. Anything else, I can handle. I know this has been hard on you, but the longer we're together-"

"No, Edward. Time will not make this better. Jacob said once that you told him that if I chose him, you would let me go because my happiness was the most important thing to you. I chose you - I chose the only life I could ever imagine living, and in choosing you I accepted becoming like you. If my happiness is really so important to you, you'll change me. The only two things I want are you and eternity. But one without the other - it just can't work, for either of us. I hate holding you back - I hate what its done to you. I carry that guilt every day. You deserve an equal, not a frail, insignificant human."

"Bella, you can't leave me. Please. I'll do anything. Beg, steal, pull down the moon - anything, just don't leave," Edward's voice was laden with anguish; it broke Bella's heart to hear him beg for her that way. She had wanted to hear that for so long, but now she wondered if it was too late. She moved closer to him on the bed and pulled him to her chest, feeling him shake as dry sobs escaped his lips.

"Shhh," she cooed. "I love you so much. Where else could I be but here with you?" She stroked his hair and whispered words of love and adoration into his ear until the shaking stopped. She knew her words were lies. If letting Edward go was what she needed to do give him the life he deserved she would set him free, even though it would be her ruin. She loved him too much to watch him turn into a man filled with bitterness and anger.

Eventually, Edward pulled Bella close and wrapped his arms around her. She lay awake, breathing in his scent and memorizing the way his arms felt around her waist. She needed to store those memories up for the day when the only arms wrapped around her waist would be her own.

The next few weeks passed without either Bella or Edward speaking another word about the impasse they had reached in their relationship. Edward walked around on egg shells, trying so hard to be on his best behavior. As much as he wanted to believe that Bella really wouldn't leave, too much had happened for him to ever truly feel secure again. Bella dutifully took her medicine and went to see Dr. Andrews, but their conversations never got far. The doctor pressed her for answers that Bella couldn't give - no matter how many different ways she asked. Some secrets could never, ever be revealed. Edward had gone back to work, while Bella was still stuck at home. Various Cullens came and went, visiting her throughout the day, which helped stave the boredom somewhat, but being confined to the house was driving her crazy. Edward still wouldn't let her go anywhere without him - not even out to dinner with Angela. Then, Charlie called.

"Bells, I think it's time you got out of that house. I'm picking you up Friday night and we're going to Sue's for a fish fry," he said, leaving her little room for argument. And really, the chance to get out of the house was a welcome one. There was no way Edward was going to tell Charlie that he couldn't pick up his daughter for a visit.

"That actually sounds great, Dad. I've been cooped up in the house and I'm about to go stir crazy."

"Well then, be ready at six o'clock. Er...will Edward be coming?" he asked. Bella could tell that he hoped the answer was a resounding no.

"I doubt it. You know how he is about the rez. I would ask if I could bring anything, but cooking is kind of out of the question," she teased.

"All you need to bring is yourself. I gotta run, but you take care of yourself."

"I will. Love you." Bella hung up the phone feeling lighter than she had since she had come home from the hospital. She was nervous to tell Edward, but she hoped that his determination to not upset her would prevent him from lashing out. By the time Edward came home from work, Bella was a ball of nerves. She bounced around the house, going from room to room, until she heard Edward's car pull in the driveway. Settling on the couch, she tried to compose herself before Edward came in the house.

"Bella, love, I'm home," he called from the kitchen. "How was your day?" He appeared in the entryway of the living room, looking devastating in a pair of pressed navy blue Armani dress slacks, a crisp white button down shirt, and a navy blue and white Hermes Escalier tie. Yes, she knew the brands Edward was wearing, and yes, it was because of a very long day browsing through Edward's wardrobe with Alice. He had loosened his tie and rolled up his sleeves. If Bella wasn't so nervous about telling Edward her Friday plans, she could have jumped him right there.

"The usual," she replied. "Bad day time television, some reading, and Charlie called." She tried to sound casual, but her voice betrayed her tense state.

"Oh, he did? Checking up on you I assume?" He looked at her intently while taking off his tie.

"Yes, and he wants to pick me up for a fish fry at Sue's house Friday night." Edward's eyes widened infinitesimally before he regained composure.

"Do you think that's a good idea? You're still recovering." Edward tried to keep the annoyance he was feeling out of his voice. After all, if Charlie called Bella, he shouldn't be mad at her. "I just don't want you to wear yourself out," he said as an afterthought.

"I haven't been out of the house in two weeks, Edward. I won't exert myself - it's just a fish fry. And, if I get tired, I'll have Charlie bring me home early; he won't mind. I know how you feel about me going to the rez, but I really would like to see my dad. Please." Bella's heart thudded in her chest as she waited for Edward to reply.

"I don't particularly like the idea of you going there, but I'm not going to stop you. Charlie doesn't like me very much right now as it is; I don't need to give him another reason to dislike me. Just promise me that you'll be careful. I'll be a phone call away if you need me."

Bella breathed a sigh of relief. "Maybe you can go on a hunting trip with Emmett and Jasper." She knew both men were less than happy with Edward at the moment, but she had encouraged both of them to reach out to Edward. She didn't want to see the family torn apart by her one moment of monumental stupidity.

"Maybe," he said, shrugging. "Are you hungry? I can start dinner if you are." Apparently he wasn't too thrilled with the idea of contacting his brothers either. Bella was just happy he hadn't put up a fight - she really wanted to get out of the house and have a change of scenery. And, truthfully, she wanted to see Jake. Even though she was still angry with some of the things he had said, she needed him in her life. With all the uncertainty between her and Edward, she knew that no matter what, he was the one person she could always count on.

"Dinner would be fine," she replied. Before she could say anything else, Edward disappeared into the kitchen. It seemed tonight would pass the same as the nights before. Edward would make her dinner, they would watch television or a movie, and he would make sure she took her medicine and tuck her in bed. Edward was doing his best to do or say nothing that would upset Bella, which meant they basically didn't talk about anything. Being trapped in the house for two weeks, combined with spending her nights trapped with a silent, polite husband was going to do more harm than anything she could do to herself.

The only thing that got Bella through the week with her sanity in tact was knowing that she would soon get a taste of freedom. Edward was driving her crazy. She could tell that he was anxious about her trip to the rez, but was too focused on not upsetting her to say anything. By the time she woke up on Friday morning, she was tempted to call Charlie and ask him to pick her up right then and there. She would rather spend the day hanging out alone at her father's house than spend one more day alone in her own. But, she knew that Charlie was most likely at work, and she didn't want to bother him. Bella knew that he would come and get her in a heartbeat, but he took his responsibility as Police Chief very seriously, so leaving work while he was on duty to rescue his bored daughter was not a good reason to pull him away.

She spent the day watching the clock, pacing and doing anything possible to help pass time. After she was showered and dressed in jeans, t-shirt, hoodie and tennis shoes, Bella parked herself on the kitchen table. Edward arrived home early, no doubt to remind her to be careful at the rez. It was eating her up that she was going out without him, to the rez no less. he could only think God for little miracles - if anyone other than Charlie would have proposed the idea he would have blockaded her in the house.

"Ready for your outing?" Edward asked as he walked into the kitchen.

"I am. It'll be nice to get out of the house for a few you going to do anything tonight?"

"Besides waiting impatiently for you to get home, nothing, " he said.

"You should really go see Carlisle and Esme. I know things have been strained, but they're your family, Edward. Please, for my sake, go and at least try to talk to everyone."

"I'll think about it," he sighed.

Bella stood up from the table and wrapped her arms around Edward. "Don't spend your night worrying - I'll be fine." She stood up on her tip toes to kiss him. The kiss turned from innocent to heated, until Edward pulled back abruptly.

"Charlie is pulling in the drive. Please, be careful." He grabbed her hand and led her out the door into the garage, where they could see Charlie's cruiser come to a stop.

"I promise," Bella said. "And, I love you."

"I love you," Edward responded and kissed Bella again, this time very chastely. He watched Bella climb into the car and stayed outside until the car disappeared from view. Despite Bella's reassurances, he knew that he would worry every second until she was back home, safe and in his arms.


	14. Chapter 14  Useless

**This is the next to last chapter – can you believe it? I'm sad that my posting is coming to an end. I've enjoyed hearing from you every week. If you enjoyed this story, you can find the rest of my fics at a site I co-own: **

**www(dot)myvampfiction(dot)com(slash)dungeon. **

**I would love for you to swing over and check them out!**

**As always, I do not own *sad panda***

_I am a mirror, with no reflection  
I am a razor, without my blade  
I am the daylight when the moons shines no  
who will want to make my sandcastle that's already made_

_I feel so useless, do you_

_speak to an ear deaf to my voice  
look through your fear, you're still blind to my way  
I reach to hold you, but I don't feel you there, do you  
even I realize I'm here am I just wasting away?  
no wasting away  
living, inside you play_

_I feel so useless, do you_

_my dying prayer, sealed in a scream  
unwelcome care, and a conscious dream  
I am your whore, without a name  
I climb to fall, to begin again, to begin again_

_I am an arrow, with no direction  
my life your tarot, and my picture your fate  
I'm your becoming, so I'll always be nothing  
if I ever break away from you that day forth,  
you'll be living  
my hate_

_oh god help his fate  
I'll watch you, watch you suffocate _

_I feel so useless, do you_

_Useless – Imogen Heap_

The ride to the rez was filled with companionable silence. Bella was content to enjoy her freedom, taking in the crisp, fall day. After Charlie asked her how her wrist was doing, and Bella pulled awkwardly at her sleeve to make sure her bandage wasn't showing, nothing more was said until they arrived at Sue's house.

"Let me get the door for you, Bells," Charlie said, exiting the car quickly. He opened her door and helped her out of the car, which made Bella nervous. He would be very suspicious if he found out she didn't have a cast on her wrist. Luckily, the hoodie she wore was too big, and the sleeves covered her hands, only letting the tips of her fingers peek out.

The Clearwater house was full of delicious smells and the sound of laughter. Bella suddenly felt nervous; after all, the last time she had been there, her husband had almost caused a war. But, as soon as Seth saw them walk in, all her hesitation faded.

"Bella, Charlie!" he greeted enthusiastically. "We weren't sure if we would be seeing you for awhile." He put his arm around Bella's shoulder and gave her a gentle squeeze.

"Ah, a broken wrist won't keep me away from your mom's delicious fish fry."

"That's the spirit! Most everyone is in the kitchen or out back," Seth said, turning and heading toward the kitchen.

Charlie headed outside to find Billy. He was still recovering from his stroke, but he was well enough to enjoy a few hours out of the house now and then. Bella stood awkwardly in the corner, trying to ignore the fact that Leah was shooting daggers at her. She was busy inspecting her sleeve when Sue finally noticed her.

"Bella," she started. "You should have told me you were here!"

"I didn't want to interrupt your cooking." Bella shuffled from foot to foot as every eye in the room was now on her.

"Nonsense, now, get over here so we can talk – it's been too long."

Bella followed Sue to the counter, where she was breading fish and dropping them into a huge fryer. Jared's girlfriend Kim was making hush puppies next to her. As she began talking to Sue, Bella felt herself slowly start to relax. By the time the food was ready to be served, she was laughing, joking, and feeling lighter than she had in weeks. She had a few awkward moments with Sam, but generally everyone treated her no differently than they did before Edward's stunt. Everyone filled up plates and found a place to eat wherever they could. Bella ended up sitting with Billy, Sue, and Charlie on the front porch.

"Where's Jake?" Bella asked between bites of fish.

"He should be here soon," Billy replied. "Said he was running late at work."

And, as if on cue, Jake's motorcycle came rumbling down the dirt road that led to his father's house. Bella's heart jumped into her throat. She had no idea how Jake would react to her, whether he would even want to talk to her at all. Her fears were soon answered when he got off the bike and headed towards the house.

"Something smells delic-Bella, I didn't expect to see you here," he said, sounding happy, almost enthusiastic at her presence.

"The invalid needed to get out of the house," she joked.

"Let me grab some food, and I'll be right out." Of course, Jake's first priority would be food. Bella had no idea how anyone could cook enough to keep up with the pack. They ate more food than should be humanly possible and never gained an ounce.

By the time he came out on the porch, balancing two plates and a can of Coke, Sue, Charlie and Billy had had gone back inside the house. Perhaps they sensed that she and Jake needed some time alone.

"So, the blood sucker actually let you out of the house," he said, shoving a hush puppy into his mouth.

"Jake, please don't start. Can't we just have a nice time without bringing Edward into the conversation?" She was already annoyed, which definitely wasn't a good sign.

"Yeah, yeah," he said, waving her off. "How about you tell me how you managed to break your wrist?"

"It wasn't really all that exciting. I feel down the stairs and threw my hands out to break my fall. You know me, if the worst case scenario can happen, it will."

"Can I sign your cast?" he asked, looking at her hoodie encased arms.

"Don't you think I'm a little past the age to have people sign my cast?" she said, hoping to sound snarky and not panicked.

Jake mumbled incoherently as he continued to eat. Bella took the opportunity to have a few more bites herself. The silence between them was comfortable - it felt like old times.

"Whatever, let me sign your cast," Jake said, rolling his eyes. "I won't write anything dirty, I promise." He held his hand over his heart and gave her his best baleful expression.

"Ugh, no!" Bella replied. "So, what kept you late at work?" she asked, hoping to divert his attention away from the subject of her wrist.

Suddenly, Jake grabbed her fingers and yanked her sleeve up over her bandages. "What the hell? What's with the bandage? Shouldn't you have a cast?"

"Just drop it, please." Bella felt her heart rate begin to speed up. Nothing good could come from Jake pushing this issue.

"No way I'm dropping this. If you didn't break your wrist, what did you do? I mean, it's wrapped, which means you must have had surgery or something..." he trailed off, scrunching his face in concentration.

"Please, don't make a big deal out of this. Let's go back in the house. I'm sure Sue made dessert."

Jake's lips were moving silently, and she could almost see the wheels turning in his mind. "Don't break your brain over this, Jake. I'm fine, really."

"Let me guess, you sprained your wrist hitting Edward over the head with a frying pan," he joked. "Or you tried out for the circus and it didn't go so well."

"Something like that," Bella laughed nervously.

"Hmmm, so no dice yet. Oh, I got it, you decided to tragically end your tortured existence and off yourself. Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo." He threw his arms out in a dramatic pose and slumped back on the porch laughing hysterically.

Bella froze in place, knowing that if she made a sound, the whole story would start pouring out. She looked away, hoping to compose her face in some semblance of normal. She did her best to giggle, but it sounded more like a strangled cry. 

"Bella, it's supposed to be funny. You don't ya think?"

"Oh, it's funny, ha-ha." This time Bella couldn't hide the sarcasm from her tone. Leave it to Jake to think something like that was funny.

"Shit, Bells, if it wasn't such a bizarre idea, judging by your reaction I would think you DID try to hurt yourself," Jake joked. Bella squirmed uncomfortably on the step. She was sure her faked smile looked more like a grimace. Jake stopped laughing and his eyes raked over her face, searching for the answer Bella couldn't give him. His face twisted, as if he was in pain, and he ran is fingers roughly through his short hair.

"Tell me you didn't hurt yourself," Jake whispered and trailed his fingers over the bandage on her wrist. Bella tried once again to form her face into something that didn't scream out her guilt, but from the look on Jake's face it was obvious she didn't. "Tell me my mind is jumping to crazy conclusions."

She couldn't look at him - if she did, he would know the truth. "Look at me, Bella. Look at me and tell me I'm wrong." The silence ticked on, and Bella did everything she could to push down the rising fear.

"You're wrong," Bella said in a flat voice. "Stop interrogating me, please. Everything is fine. Let's go inside and see what's going on in there."

"Why?" Jake asked, his voice low and menacing. She could feel his body start to vibrate beside her. He knew, and although she should be scared, at that moment she couldn't muster up the strength for fear.

Bella stood up and turned towards Jake. "I told you, it's nothing. Drop it and let's go have fun."

Jake grabbed her calf. "We aren't going anywhere until you tell me how you hurt your wrist. There's something you're not telling me and I have a right to know what it is."

"A right?" she scoffed. She was so tired of people thinking they knew what was best for her. It seemed like every person in her life felt they had a right to involve themselves in her decisions, as if she had no ability to take control over her own life. Her irritation continued to grow as she snapped, "What right do you have to know anything about my life?"

"Bella, don't try to avoid the subject. Did you try to kill yourself, yes or no." Bella could feel the vibrations of his body course through the hand that was still on her leg. She gave her leg a kick, hoping he would get the hint. His hand dropped from her leg and she walked to the other end of the porch. She knew what could happen if a wolf phased too close to a human. Her heart filled with dread as she tried to figure out how to tell her best friend she had tried to kill herself. What could she say to make him understand a fraction of what she was feeling in that split second she decided to pick up the knife.

"Jake, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, it's just-"

"It's just that you tried to kill yourself, Bella! What about Charlie? What do you think it would do to him if you died? I begged you to pick me, but no, you had to pick the leech. I've let a lot of shit slide, but not this time. He's hurt you for the very last time. I'm going to fucking kill him!"

"No, listen to me - there's a lot you don't know. Just stay calm, and we can go to the beach and talk." Bella was afraid he was going to lose control and phase there on the porch. His body was shaking furiously; she could tell he was fighting to stay in control. "Please, not here," she whispered. Charlie still didn't know about the wolves, and Bella didn't think this was the best way for him to find out.

"The time for talking is over, Bella," Jake said as he leaped off the porch. He took off running, disappearing into the forest in a blur. Bella fumbled in her pocket for her cell phone and once she found it, promptly dropped it. She watched it bounce down the wooden stairs and lunged after it. She lost her balance and fell on the ground, landing on her injured wrist. Pain seared through her entire body, but still, she tried desperately to find her phone. She had to warn Edward - she had to beg him to stay in the house, no matter what Jake did to taunt him. Bella knew in her heart that if Jake and Edward fought tonight, the chances that either of them would be badly hurt or killed was almost guaranteed. Both men had been waiting for a long time for a chance to prove his dominance over the other. Bella hoped it had ended when she married Edward, and for a time, it did. But, the mutual hatred had just been simmering underneath the surface, waiting for the right moment to boil over.

Finally, Bella found her phone, but before she could hit speed dial, Charlie came running out of the house. She hastily sat up and made sure her arms were covered. Things were bad enough without Charlie learning the truth about her injuries.

"Bells," he said, kneeling down in the dirt beside her. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"I tripped going down the steps, but I'm okay," she said, trying to sound reassuring.

"Did you hurt your wrist? Do I need to take you to the hospital?"

A thought dawned on her. "No, but could you take me to Carlisle? I would rather have him look at me before I go back to the hospital."

"Sure, sweetie, anything you need. Let me run inside and tell Sue we're leaving." He helped Bella up and she leaned against the porch railing, biting her lip to keep from crying. Her whole body hurt, and she was frantic with worry over what was happening between Edward and Jake. She had to get to the Cullens and let them know what was happening. Just as Charlie emerged from the house, her phone rang. Bella flipped the phone open and answered. 

"Tell me what it is, Bella," Alice said frantically.

"Jake – he knows. He's going to confront Edward." Bella heard Alice whisper something, presumably to Jasper.

"Jasper and Emmett are headed to your house now. It will be okay, Bella. I promise." Alice hung up the phone just as Charlie's hand reached for the door handle.

__"Thank God," she whispered, relieved that Emmett and Jasper were going to her house. Hopefully they could diffuse the situation, or at least keep injuries to a minimum.

"What's that?" Charlie asked as he opened her car door.

"Nothing," Bella mumbled. "I'm just a little worn out."

"As soon as you're checked out, I'll get you home."

Bella was too caught up in her own thoughts to respond. She should have listened to Edward and stayed home - if she had, none of this would be happening now. She willed Charlie to speed, but he obeyed all traffic laws on their short trip to the Cullen's house. He pulled up the long drive and Bella could see Alice standing by the big picture window in the living room. Charlie came to a stop and quickly got out of the car to open Bella's door.

"Dad, you don't have to come in. Carlisle can look me over and then take me home."

"Nice try, Bells. I want to make my daughter is okay before I head home."

She was miffed, but there wasn't much she could do but hope she really was okay and Charlie wouldn't insist on taking her home. Before Charlie could press the door bell, Carlisle opened the door.

"Good evening, Charlie, Bella. Please, come inside." He gestured for them to come in the house and then shut the door behind them. Bella could see the tension on Carlisle's face, although she was sure Charlie wouldn't expect anything was wrong. Carlisle had many years' practice masking his emotions around humans.

"Sorry for intruding on your evening, but Bella took a little spill down the steps at Sue's house and she thought it might be a good idea if you looked her over."

"Of course," Carlisle replied. "Bella, why don't you come up to my office and I'll do a quick examination." He put a comforting hand on her back and steered her towards the stairs.

"I'll be right back, Dad."

"Charlie, would you like something to drink?" Esme piped in, smiling at him warmly.

"No, I'm okay, but thanks for the offer. I'll just have a seat here and wait for Bella."

As soon as they were out of earshot Bella asked, "What's going on? Have you heard anything?"

"Sit," Carlisle said, patting his desk. Bella obeyed and watched Carlisle get his bag from across the room.

"I haven't heard anything yet, but I know they will let us know as soon as there is something to report. Can you take the sweatshirt off? I need to unwrap your bandage."

She was wearing a t-shirt under her hoodie, so she unzipped it and shrugged it off her shoulders. "It was Jake," Bella said, watching Carlisle unwrap her wrist.

"I take it he found out you didn't just break your wrist?"

"He wouldn't listen, Carlisle. I tried to get him to calm down and talk to me, but he just ran into the woods. He said he was going to kill Edward." Her voice was barely more than a whisper. She stared numbly as the last of the bandage was unwrapped. A red, angry scar ran across her wrist - a permanent reminder of her failure. Carlisle carefully examined it, gently probing and pressing to make sure she hadn't injured it further.

"Everything looks good. I don't think you've done any additional damage, and your incision seems to be healing normally." He took a clean bandage out of his bag and began the process of re-wrapping her wrist. "Did you really expect him to listen, Bella? All he knows is that you tried to kill yourself. Jacob and Edward have been looking for reasons to have a physical altercation from the moment they met. This provided Jacob the perfect excuse to lash out at Edward. I don't approve, but it also doesn't surprise me. I'm sure that between Emmett, Jasper, Rose and Alice, they should be able to keep Edward from doing anything rash."

"What makes it worse is that once again, it's my fault. Edward didn't want me to go, but I insisted everything would be fine. I feel like nothing I do is right anymore, and on top of that I feel so useless. I'm a human trying to make it in your world, and I just…it's like life is happening all around me, and I'm just existing."

"This is not your fault. You can't control Jacob's actions any more than you can control Edward's. They are both grown men free to make their own decisions. And Bella, you are not useless. Just because you're human doesn't make you weak. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

Bella appreciated Carlisle's words, even if she didn't quite believe them. "Thanks. It's just hard not to feel constantly in the middle with those two. If not for me, they never would have crossed paths in the first place."

"You are in a unique situation, but that still doesn't mean what happens between Jacob and Edward is your fault. Your wrist seems fine, but you might want to have your doctor in Port Angeles take some x-rays just to be safe. Does anything else hurt?"

"Nothing serious. I think my pride is wounded more than anything. I'm sure I'll feel worse tomorrow, but I've got plenty of pain medication. Could you offer to take me home? I have to keep Charlie as far away from my house as possible since we have no idea what's going on there."

"Of course," he responded. "After you."

They made it downstairs and Carlisle informed Charlie that it didn't appear there was any cause for concern after his daughter's fall. "I can take Bella home, Charlie. Esme and I wouldn't mind spending some time with her, if she feels up to it."

"I would like that, thanks. Why don't you go on home; Carlisle will make sure I get home in one piece."

"You're sure it's not an imposition - I don't mind taking her home," Charlie said.

"No imposition at all. We don't see Bella much anymore, so we would be delighted if she would stay and visit for a bit."

"Okay then, thank you, Carlisle. And, Bella, promise to be more careful and call me if you need anything."

"I will," Bella said, walking over to Charlie to give him a hug. "I'll call you."

"You better. Carlisle, Esme, thank you again." Bella watched Charlie walk out the door and get into his cruiser.

"Why hasn't Alice called?" she wondered aloud, more worried with each minute that passed without any word.

"Alice will call as soon as she can," Esme said, putting her arm around Bella's waist. "Now, why don't you have a seat on the couch and I'll make you some hot tea."

Bella really didn't feel like sitting, but from the look Esme was giving her, Bella knew she didn't have a choice. She kicked off her shoes and sank down into the plush cushions, realizing for the first time that evening how tired she really was. Despite her throbbing wrist and troubled mind, she drifted off to sleep before Esme came back with her tea. The next thing she heard was the front door closing, and the sound of too many voices trying to speak at once. A shrill whistle cut through the noise.

"One at a time, please. Jasper, could you fill us in on what happened?" Carlisle said once the jabbering had died down.

"By the time we got there, Edward and Jacob were going at it in the back yard. Since neither of them looked hurt, we decided to let them fight for awhile-"

"You what!" Bella yelled.

"Calm down, B," Emmett replied. "Those two have wanted to throw down for years. They needed to get this out of their system."

"They could have killed each other!" She was furious that they would just stand back and let Jake and Edward fight.

"Not with us there. Anyway, after a few minutes, it got boring so Jasper and I stepped in and grabbed Eddie. He was pissed, by the way. I don't think I've heard him use that many cuss words in a row before. We dragged Edward in the house and Jake ran off. That's about it," Emmett said, shrugging his huge shoulders.

"And you left Edward home alone?" Bella asked.

"Nah, Rosie's there with him. He's not happy about having a babysitter, but none of us trusted him not to go after Jake. He promised to be good, but you never know."

"And I didn't want to deal with him," Alice piped in. "Not after what he called me." She crossed the room and sat down next to Bella. "No offense, but your husband can be a jerk."

"Alice, I'm sure he's not mad at you," Bella started. "What did you expect him to act like after Jake showed up and said God knows what?"

Alice rolled her eyes. "Touche. Why Jacob thinks what's going on is any of his business is beyond me."

"So, no one was injured?" Carlisle asked before Bella could form a response.

"Not seriously," Jasper confirmed. "But, if we wouldn't have shown up..." he trailed off.

"If you'll excuse me, I'm going to call my son. He's angry, and I understand that, but we don't need any problems with the pack tonight."

"Thank you, so much," Bella said. "When Jake took off, I was so scared. I haven't seen him that angry in a long time."

"I guess I should get home and relieve Rose," Bella sighed. "I'm sure she's not happy to be stuck with Edward."

"You got that right," Emmett laughed. "But, she lost fair and square."

"Lost?" Bella asked, confused.

"No one wanted to babysit him, so we played rock-paper-scissors, best two out of three. Rosie lost."

Bella rolled her eyes. "Emmett, take me home so you can rescue your poor, beleaguered wife."

"Nah, Rosie and I will stick around for awhile - just make sure everything stays quiet."

"And we can be there in no time if you need us," Jasper added.

Carlisle came downstairs. He was stoic, but Bella couldn't tell if that was a good or a bad thing. "I don't think Edward will go after Jake tonight, but I think it's best if someone stays on guard, at least through the night, to make sure Jake doesn't try to come back."

"Rosie and I have the first shift. Do you think it's okay for me to take Bella home, or should she chill here for awhile?" Emmett asked.

"That's up to Bella, but I see no problems with her going home."

"I would really like to go home. I'm exhausted and ache all over. Besides, I need to talk to Edward about all of this."

"Then your chariot awaits," Emmett said, sweeping his arm towards the door.

"Thank you all for being there tonight. I don't know what would have happened without you." Bella looked around the room, acknowledging to each of her family members how grateful she was for their assistance.

The short ride to her house was mostly quiet, although Emmett did his best to reassure her that everything would be okay. It was comforting to know that he and Rose would be guarding their property, but she was upset it had come to that. Jake was her friend - she couldn't help feeling for him. Emmett peeled into the garage, skidding slightly on the gravel. After opening her door, he preceded Bella into the house. They found Rose in the living room, staring at the television.

"Thank God you're here, one more minute with him and I was going to kill him and spare us all," she spat.

"Where is he?" Bella asked.

"Upstairs," she responded absently. "He's relatively calm, and I don't think he's mad at you, just the dog."

Bella was about to thank Rose, but the look on her face told her she would be better off not saying anything at all.

"We'll be outside if you need us," Emmett said, giving Bella a quick hug.

"Are you serious?" Rose asked, clearly miffed.

"Someone needs to make sure Jake doesn't cause any problems if he comes back, babe." Emmett put his arm around Rose and led her out the front door. "Don't worry, Bella. Every thing's going to be okay."

He pulled the door closed behind him and she was alone in the living room. She was exhausted, body and soul; nothing sounded better than falling into bed and shutting out the world. As she made her way to the stairs, Edward was making his way down to her. He appeared in the foyer, looking every bit the avenging angel. His shirt was torn and his hair was more of a mess than usual. A streak of dirt on his pale forehead and fierce, black eyes shining from his perfect face completed the look. If it was possible, he looked even more breath taking than normal.

"I'm so sorry, Edward," Bella said, taking a step toward him. "I didn't tell him. He wanted to sign my cast and when I wouldn't let him, he got suspicious."

"You have nothing to apologize for," Edward said, his voice full of steely calm.

Bella was not expecting that, so she just stood there with her mouth hanging open.

"It was my fault for letting you go. I knew something bad would happen, but I can't say no to you." His face softened and he closed the distance between them. "What happened tonight was a long time coming," he said, brushing her hair out of her face. "I know you love Jacob, but he has no right to come to my home and threaten me. I'm afraid this is the last straw, Bella."

Of course it was his fault for "letting her go". Once again, Bella realized how much Edward tried to control her life, whether he realized it or not. But, that was a conversation for later. "What do you mean the last straw?" Bella asked. She was worried she already knew the answer, but she needed Edward to say it.

"It means the next time he so much as looks the wrong way at me, no one is going to be able to hold me back." Bella's eyes filled with tears as her worst fear bloomed to life before her eyes.

"But, Edward-"

"Shhh," he whispered. "It's going to be okay. We're going to go away, just you and me. There are so many places I want to show you - we can get away from Jacob, from this town. We can see the world together. Let's start over, Bella. Please, for me?" The words tumbled out of his mouth, each one fighting to keep up with the next. Edward's face was alight with a happiness she hadn't seen in so long, which seemed strange considering what had happened just over an hour ago.

"Going away, like on a vacation? I don't think I can do that. I mean, I can't take a vacation when I've been off work for medical reasons. And what about your job? What about Charlie, and your family?"

"No, we're leaving Forks...for awhile. We can quit our jobs, Bella. You know we have enough money that neither of us have to work. As far as our families go, I'm sure they will understand. We haven't always lived together, Bella. Don't you think it's time we went out on our own, just for a little while?"

For a moment, Bella was stunned speechless. She had expected to come home to a furious husband, instead he was planning for them to run off in the sunset together. She couldn't think of a worse idea. Running wouldn't solve their problems, and it would rob her of her support system when she needed them most.

"Wait, Edward. We can't just run off. I have a job - I know I don't have to work, but I like to work. It gives me purpose, and I love what I do. Charlie is here, your family is here; there's no reason for us to leave. I like my life here. Believe me, I'll stay away from the rez, and I'll have Carlisle talk to Sam about making sure Jake doesn't come around here. We don't have to run away to start over," she said, infusing her words with all the sincerity she could. She knew Edward wasn't completely happy with their life and wanted to take her to see the world, and she was always open to change. But, they needed to discuss it first, make the decision about where they would go together.

Edward placed his hands on either side of Bella's face. "Please, just think about it. I'm not saying we would leave forever, but I...I need a break. We stay at Isle Esme and plan where we want to go next. Just a year, Bella, just give me a year away from here."

Bella wanted to give Edward what he needed, but she couldn't, not while things between them were so uncertain. She couldn't just forget the fight they had, or what she tried to do to herself. She needed time to heal and figure out what she was going to do with her life. If she really thought a year away from Forks would make things better - if she thought Edward might change her after that year - she would go in an instant. But, she knew believing those things was folly.

"I'll think about it. You threw a lot at me, and I need time to think. Can I have a few days?"

His hands stroked her cheeks; the cool pads of his fingers felt like snowflakes on her skin. "Of course, love. Think about it, decide where you want to go: Paris, Italy, Namibia, Russia...the world is yours, Bella." Edward brushed his lips against hers just as she tried to stifle a yawn.

"Sorry, it's been a long day," she said, kissing his chin. So much was whirling through her mind that Bella wasn't sure she would be able to sleep. She was worried about Jake and what he was going through. If only he would have stayed calm long enough for her to explain, maybe he wouldn't have confronted Edward. It was probably wishful thinking, but she couldn't stop wondering what if. On top of all that, she needed to find a way to explain to Edward that leaving Forks wasn't the answer. Their problems would follow them, no matter where they went.

"Let's get you up to bed, shall we?" Edward said, taking Bella's hand and leading her up to their bedroom. While she changed, Edward went into the bathroom and brought out her pain meds and a glass of water. She swallowed them down and sank gratefully into bed. She hoped the medicine would do the trick and allow her to sleep despite her troubled mind. Edward lay down next to her, curling himself around her body. "Sleep well, my Bella," he whispered. "I love you."

"Love you," she mumbled as exhaustion finally took her under.


	15. Chapter 15  The Ending

**So here we are at the end. When I began writing this story, the ending was the only part I had mapped out. This has been my vision before I wrote the first line of the first chapter. I know I've kept you guessing as to how I was going to end the story with Bella and Edward still at odds. It might not be the ending you expected, but it is the only ending I could imagine. If you're hoping for an HEA - you might not want to read any further, or proceed with caution.**

**Thank you for staying with me through all the angst and heartache. The epilogue is going to be posted along with this chapter, and with that, Eden Burning is complete.**

**November 22, 2009**

_If this is where I'll hide_  
_It was built deep inside_  
_Yeah, I'm a selfish bastard_  
_But at least I'm not alone_

_My intentions never change_  
_What I want just stays the same_  
_And I know what I should do_  
_It's time to set myself on fire_

_Was it a Dream? 30 Seconds to Mars_

The first thought Bella had the next morning was whether Jake had tried to come back while she was asleep. She was still wrapped in Edward's arms - it felt so right she almost threw caution to the wind and told him she would go anywhere he wanted to take her. But, she had to be stronger than that. She had given in too many times in the past, and look where it had gotten her. Instead, she snuggled closer to his body.

"Good morning, love," Edward breathed, his lips brushing her hair.

"Did you stay with me all night?" Bella asked, rolling over to face Edward.

"I did," he said. "And, in case you're wondering, Jacob didn't come back last night."

She sighed with relief. Jacob could be volatile, especially where Edward was concerned. But, she had a feeling Carlisle had called Sam and asked him to keep an eye on Jake. She knew better than to think that the knowledge that hurting Edward meant hurting her would stop him. That bridge had burned down a long time ago. It almost felt as if they were using their love for Bella as an excuse to feed their hatred for each other.

"Did Rose and Emmett stick around all night?" She felt guilty that once again, Edward's family was involved in a situation not of their making. If only she were a vampire, they wouldn't even be in the situation in the first place. Bella pushed that thought to the back of her mind for the moment. She had bigger worries to deal with at the moment - like Edward's plan to leave Forks and travel the world.

"Yeah, they left about four. I guess Carlisle called Sam, so we shouldn't have to worry about Jacob coming back. Do you feel up to going out for breakfast?"

"Biscuits and gravy sound divine. Give me fifteen to clean up and I'll be ready."

The drive to the diner was silent, but it was a companionable silence. Edward circled the block before he found a parking space. The after church crowd had come out in full force. The diner was packed, but they managed to grab two stools at the counter. Edward ordered coffee, while Bella ordered the deluxe breakfast special. She knew it was too much food for her to eat, but loved breakfast and always ordered all her favorite foods. When the waitress brought her orange juice, she swallowed the pain medication she had brought, hoping it would kick in quickly. Luckily, there wasn't much time for conversation - the diner served orders up quickly, and thankfully Edward didn't interrupt her while she was eating. However, on the short drive to the hospital, he broke the silence by asking, "So, have you thought about where you'd like to go?"

He didn't bother to ask Bella if she wanted to leave in the first place. But, he probably expected her to acquiesce to his wishes like she had in the past. "No...I just...can we talk about this later?"

"You don't want to go, do you?" Edward's tone was casual, light, but Bella sensed his devastation. He really was banking on the fact that she would want to leave with him.

"I just don't think now is the right time to drop everything and just leave. Our problems won't just disappear the minute we leave Forks. I know you think this is what we need, but I honestly don't think a vacation is going to fix what's broken between us. Please, can we talk about it later?" She spoke more harshly than she had intended, but it was hard not to be irritated at Edward. She had just asked for more time to think about the proposal last night and he was already expecting her to have made a decision. Bella was quiet on the way home, still contemplating Edward's sudden desire to leave Forks.

Once inside the house, she kicked off her shoes in the kitchen and headed upstairs, intending to rest and watch a movie. But, just as she had pushed play, Edward appeared in the doorway, holding the cordless phone, and mouthed, "Renee." Getting off the phone with her mother wasn't easy, but Edward had managed to keep the conversation short and handed her the phone. She gave him a pointed stare and waited until he had left the room to speak. It was annoying that no matter where he was in the house he would be able to hear her conversation. The lack of privacy that came with living with a vampire was one of those inconveniences she was still fighting to accept.

"Hi, Mom," Bella greeted.

"Baby, how are you? Your father said you took a spill last night."

Of course Charlie had called Renee. Ever since her wedding, her parents had become closer than they had been in a very long time. They didn't talk often, but Charlie tried to keep her informed of what was going on with Bella, knowing she often omitted telling her mother certain things. "I'm fine," she sighed. "I just tripped and fell down some steps. I'm a little sore, but other than that I'm fine. I really wish Charlie wouldn't call you every time I stub my toe."

"Now, Bella. Charlie is just concerned about you and so am I. We had a long talk last night, honey. We're both very worried about you," she said cautiously.

"Mom, I'm okay. It's just a broken wrist. I've had worse." She knew parents were supposed to worry about their children, but she thought her parents took it to a whole new level.

"That's not what we're worried about."

"What?" she asked, immediately alarmed.

"It's about you and Edward. Your father and I are concerned that you're having problems. If there's anything you need-"

"Renee," Bella interrupted. "There is nothing for you to be worried about. We've hit some rough spots, but marriage isn't perfect. Please, don't make something out of nothing." She felt guilty for lying to her mother, but there was no way she was spilling her guts about the problems in her marriage.

"I know a troubled marriage when I see one. You haven't been acting like yourself for awhile now, and Charlie tells me things seem tense between you and Edward. You can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to me. I've been there and I know how hard it is to admit when your marriage is falling apart," she said.

Downstairs, Edward cringed as he listened to Renee. He had always known she was more perceptive than people who knew her realized. Her child-like personality masked a woman who could read people very well, often better than they could read themselves.

"Mom, it's not falling apart, exactly. It's just...I think we want different things." Bella was struggling with what to say to her mother. She needed to tell her enough that she would believe Bella was being truthful, but not so much that she would keep digging for more information.

"That's exactly what happened between your father and me. He was content to live in Forks and work at the police department. I wanted to experience big-city life, have a chance to meet new people and experience new things. In Forks, I would have been just another house wife running into the same women at the grocery store week after week. I tried to make it work, but in the end there was no way I could stay knowing I was denying what I wanted out of life."

"I don't know what to do," Bella said, defeat resonating in her voice. "I love him and I don't want to give up on us, but some days I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore."

"Why don't you come for a visit, sweetheart. It sounds like you need some time away to figure things out. And I promise, I won't badger you to talk to me, although I really wish you would."

Visiting Renee in Florida was an appealing proposition. She hadn't seen her mother in over six months, and it would be good to get away for a few days and have time to herself to really think. When Edward was around, her mind didn't work like it should. Every cell in her body was drawn to him, and even when she was angry with him, she couldn't deny the hold he had over her: body, mind and soul. Maybe without the pressure of home, she could clear her head and decide once and for all what she was going to do. In the end, she knew that she couldn't continue to live half alive, divided between two worlds. Her heart might belong to Edward, but she was still in control of her life.

"I'll think about it," she responded. "I would really love to see you and Phil, but I need to talk it over with Edward." In a flash, she remembered the lie she had told about her injury. If she did end up visiting Florida, she would have to figure out how to explain the absence of a cast. "And, I have to admit, seeing the sun does sound very appealing."

"Oh, good! I hope you decide to come, Bella. I've redecorated the guest room since the last time you were here, and you still haven't seen the rock garden Phil built in the back yard. Oh, and there's a new farmer's market I know you'll love. We'll have so much fun!" Renee gushed.

Edward's cell phone rang; it was Alice, so he hit the ignore button. He was in no mood to deal with his meddlesome sister. The phone beeped once, indicating a voice mail, which he also intended to ignore. Right now, the only thing was focusing on was the phone call going on upstairs. He seethed silently, listening to Bella's conversation and hating Renee for having the audacity to interfere in his marriage. Bella was in a vulnerable state, and Renee was using it to influence her. He always knew there was a part of Renee that didn't fully trust him - he was confident that she would do all she could to convince Bella to leave him. No matter what else happened, he needed to convince Bella not to go to Florida. He knew she already had doubts about their relationship, and going to Florida would only give her time to dwell on them.

"I'll call you in a few days when I get things figured out. I miss you." Bella's eyes filled with tears as she thought about how long it had been since she had been able to spend time alone with her mother. They used to be so close, but after she moved to Forks, and especially since she got married, it seemed there was never enough time to relax and visit.

"I miss you, baby. If it all works out, hopefully you'll be here soon. We'll have girl time like we used to back in Phoenix - complete with bad movies and junk food."

"Sounds great, Mom. I love you." She hung up the phone and wiped the tears from her eyes. Now that she was off the phone, she realized that Edward had heard every word of the conversation. It shouldn't be a surprise to him that she was still struggling with their relationship. It had only been a few weeks ago they had the one and only open honest discussion about her doubts and fears. But, the fact that her mom and dad had noticed the tension between them would surely not make him happy. Bella wanted to hide in her room and avoid Edward, but she knew it would be better to face him now. She had promised him they would talk - and talk they would.

She found Edward in the living room, reading a book. Just when she thought he was going to ignore her presence, he looked up at her. His eyes burned with anger, shining like polished obsidian.

"A trip to Florida is in the cards I take it?" His voice sliced through her, immediately putting her on the defensive.

"You heard every word. I said I'll think about it."

"Just like you promised me you would think about leaving Forks?" he asked sarcastically.

"This is not the same, and you know it. Renee wants me to come visit for a week or two. You're talking about leaving Forks for a year! I don't understand why you're so hell bent on leaving anyway, and don't tell me it's to avoid trouble with Jacob. What, do you think whisking me away will make me forget your broken promise - make me forget this?" she scoffed, holding up her bandaged wrist. "Leaving Forks isn't going to leave our problems here, Edward. We'll pack them with us along with our clothes."

"All I'm asking for is a chance to make a fresh start. I know our problems won't magically disappear, but surely getting away from here can't hurt."

"How can we start over when when we're moving in two different directions? Do we start over on your terms or mine? You know my terms, and I highly doubt that's your idea of starting over. So, unless it is, I think you need to reconsider your plan."

"Bella, you can't compare these two things. Traveling versus ending your human life - those are definitely not equal."

"Not equal, you're right. Just like you and I are not equal either. You want me to keep living this half-life, give up my dream of being with you forever, yet you can't understand why I don't want to leave my home. There is nothing equal about our relationship. I give, you take."

He didn't answer, leaving a heavy silence to settle over the room.

"This is pointless, Edward. I think I am going to go to Florida, away from this madness."

"You need to go to Florida to...what, decide if you're going to leave me? You are my wife, my mate - we belong together." Edward's tone was still angry, but now it was also thick with desperation.

"Yes, I'm your wife, but am I truly your mate? How can I be your mate when I'm still human? A mate implies equals, and we are far from equal. I need to go to Florida to decide where to go from here. I feel like I'm just bashing my head against the wall day after day, expecting a different outcome."

"If you walk out that door, so help me I'll-" Edward spat.

"You'll what? Start a fight with the pack? Lock me out of the house? Freeze my credit cards? What are you going to do if I go to Florida? I'd like to hear it," Bella said, staring at Edward. Anger was bubbling white hot under her skin, causing her face to flush. "Actually, I don't care what it is. I'm done sitting back and letting you bully me, so I'll do what I want for a change. I'm going to Florida to visit my mom." The look on her face dared Edward to argue.

"I heard Renee - you know she's going to try and pull us apart while you're there. Or, is that what you want? You can't make the decision, so you'll let mommy dearest convince you that life without me is better for both of us." Edward sneered at her. He had issued a challenge and Bella wasn't about to back down.

"Oh, grow up, Edward. At least with Renee, I can have an adult conversation."

"We can have an adult conversation as soon as you start acting like an adult." Panic and desperation were ruling Edward's emotions. He needed to find a way to get Bella to stay with him. The fear that everything would be lost if she went to Florida compelled him to compose himself. "Look, if you want time away, time to think, why don't we go away somewhere together. Not permanently, just for a few weeks. "We can talk, figure things out."

"Oh, so now you want to go away for a couple of weeks and talk. I seem to remember talking a few weeks ago and nothing has changed. You went a whole week without talking to me, remember? I think I'm entitled to do the same. Besides, do you really think more talk right now is going to help us, because I'm not so sure. And you know as well as I do that my mother won't talk me into doing anything. As you so love to remind me, I'm pretty stubborn and strong-willed. Whatever decision I make while I'm there will be mine and mine alone. Why are you so scared to let me go? You know the one way to make me stay. Change me and this discussion is over."

Bella had thrown down the gauntlet. Even knowing she had failed before, and failed miserably, she was giving Edward one last chance. This time, she didn't have much hope he would change his mind, but he would never be able to accuse her of not making her terms clear. She loved Edward with all her heart and soul, but she was beginning to realize that sometimes love just wasn't enough.

"So, that's how it's going to be?" The fire had dimmed in Edward's eyes, but Bella had no doubt his anger was burning as brightly as hers. "Well, as you wish. Please, don't let me stop you from making your plans."

She hated when Edward did that - egged on an argument and then suddenly withdrew, just as she was reaching the height of her anger. "Yeah, thanks," she quipped and stomped out of the room. Her first stop was the computer to book a plane ticket.

When Bella left the room, Edward felt the finality of her absence. Despite her declarations of love, he had no doubt that she would decide to leave him. He could see it in her eyes - she had given up. She had issued a demand she knew would go unanswered. A rage greater than anything he had ever felt rose in his body. Bella was his mate. He had no life - no purpose, without her in it. In an instant, the answer flashed in his mind. The plan, fully formed was laid before him, but he couldn't think of it. He had to mask his intentions - Alice could have no hint of what was to come.

He left Bella alone for a few hours as she first called Carlisle to make sure she could travel, then booked her flight and called Renee to tell her the good news. Renee squealed in delight when Bella informed her her that she would be arriving Tuesday and staying for two weeks. Renee kept her on the phone much longer than Bella probably wanted to talk, making plans and gushing about all the things they would do while she was there. When she had finally ended the call, Edward made his way up the stairs and to their bedroom.

"So, you're leaving Tuesday?" he stated, not an ounce of animosity in his voice.

"Um, yeah," Bella stammered. She wasn't expecting Edward to sound so calm about her departure.

"I can take you to the airport, if you'd like," he asked.

"What's with the sudden good mood? I thought you didn't want me to go to Florida." She was reminded of their high school days, when his mood swings left her reeling.

"Honestly, I don't," Edward replied. "But what use is it to be angry now? I don't want to argue the next two days and then not see you for two weeks." He walked over to the bed and sat down beside Bella. "I know I'm an ass, but I'm an ass who will miss his wife," he said, putting his arm around her shoulders.

Bella was taken off guard by Edward's sudden change of mood. Was he somehow planning on sabotaging her trip, or was he actually trying to be an adult about the situation? She couldn't be sure, which left her feeling uneasy. "I'll miss you too." And despite everything she was feeling, she knew that she would. She closed her eyes as the feel of Edward's fingers on her neck lulled away her higher logic. Once again, they were slipping back into the same routine. Fight, fuck, and worry about the consequences later.

"Isabella," he whispered in her ear. His cool breath fanned over her skin, causing it to prickle. Edward moved to the middle of the bed and beckoned Bella to lay down beside him. She had no control when he spoke to to her in that voice. His hands skimmed down her body, fingers bunching her t-shirt and pulling it up roughly until her stomach was exposed. Bella gasped when his lips danced over her skin.

"Oh, god." The feel of his tongue tracing a line from her belly button to the under wire of her bra made her crazy. "Less clothes," she panted. Edward smiled and very gently took off her shirt, then unclasped her bra. "You too." She need to feel his skin, cold and hard against hers. Edward shifted down so that his weight was on his elbows and pressed his lips against Bella's - first slowly, then with more intensity. Bella felt awkward with her wrapped wrist, but lifted her hands up to trace the lines of his face. Edward lightly nipped her bottom lip before their tongues met, wet and frantic. Every part of her body was on fire, even with Edward's cold skin pressed against hers.

His mouth left hers and drifted down her neck, peppering kisses over her collarbone. He stopped before his lips reached her breasts. "You are so exquisite," he breathed. "So perfect." His eyes, which earlier burned with rage, now held nothing but raw desire. He captured a nipple in his mouth, suckling gently before grazing his teeth ever so lightly over the puckered skin. Bella wanted to touch him, to explore his body with her hands, but she left them at her side. She wanted no reminder of her failures right now. Every touch of Edward's mouth on her breasts caused the muscles in her stomach to tighten and a burning to travel between her legs. Her breath hitched as she began rubbing her legs together. Edward noticed her movement and stared up at her.

"Don't worry my love, I won't let an inch of your skin go untouched." A devilish gleam glinted in his eyes before he dropped his head back to her skin. One hand pinched her nipple, while his mouth continued its ministrations on the other.

Bella wasn't sure if a woman could have an orgasm just from having her breasts stimulated, but she was already teetering on the edge. She started to snake her hand down her body, but Edward gently pushed it away. He lifted up slightly and peeled her pants and panties off. "I want to taste you, Isabella." Raw lust dripped from each word, and when he spoke her name, he drew out each syllable.

"Yes," she moaned. Edward wasted no time, dragging his tongue down her slit and finding the tight bundle of nerves already pulsing with tension. His hands skimmed over Bella's thighs as he pressed his tongue against her clit. He sucked her sensitive flesh in his mouth and she shuddered - every nerve in her body was crying out for more. He continued working her with his fingers and tongue, taking her higher and higher on a wave of pure pleasure. When he slipped two fingers inside her and found that magical spot, Bella came so hard she lost her breath.

"So sweet," he murmured, nuzzling his face in her thighs. He lay there for a moment, letting Bella catch her breath before slowly sitting up. "Come here, love," he said, crooking his finger at her.

Although her limbs were jelly, Bella got to her knees and made her way to Edward. He was hard, and a bead of pre cum had already formed at the tip of his cock. Bella straddled him and slowly lowered herself onto him, feeling every inch slip deep inside her. They both sighed contently as their bodies united. Bella's arms automatically folded around Edward's neck, and she looked deep into his eyes as she rocked her hips up and down. He continued to hold her waist, helping her set a pace that allowed them both to get lost in the perfection of their connection. They moved in perfect tandem, one breathing out while the other breathed in. The air around them was thick with the smell of sweat and sex, drawing them deeper into the moment.

Edward's lips found Bella's again, and he greedily took in her every breath, memorizing the texture of her skin under his fingers, and the way he fit perfectly inside her. She looked so beautiful riding him - her hair a wild mess around her shoulders, her lips red and puffy, her eyes bright with passion. This was the image of Bella he would take with him - the image he would cling to when his eyes finally closed for the last time. Edward felt Bella start to tire, so he put one hand on the small of her back and pushed her back so that she was lying down. She flung her arms behind her head and beamed up at him, flushed and content. He took her ankles and placed one on each shoulder, put his hands on her hips, and thrust his hips forward. Bella cried out as his cock buried deep within her. He could feel tension coiling tightly in his balls and thrust harder, absorbing each cry that fell from Bella's lips. Taking a hand from her hips, he once again found her clit and rubbed it, bringing Bella to the edge of orgasm for the second time. When he felt her walls clench around him and heard her cries of pleasure, he let go, collapsing on top of Bella as he came inside her. Edward rolled to the side and drew Bella to his chest, reverently kissing her hair. If only she knew this would be their final act of intimacy. Pain tore through him so forcefully he wanted to cry out in anguish, to beg God to show him another way to save Bella. The silence was deafening - God had forsaken Edward long ago.

"I wish you didn't have to go," he whispered, locking his eyes on hers.

"But I do", she answered. "I know you don't understand, but I need some time alone." She rested her forehead against his chest. Her warm breath fanned against his skin, but nothing could cure the ice that had formed in his veins. He cupped the back of her head in his hand and massaged her scalp. There was nothing left to say, Bella had made her decision, just as Edward had made his.

"I love you so much, Bella."

"I know," Bella sighed. "And I love you, too. No matter what happens, I will never, ever stop loving you."

Edward squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep his desperation under control. For these next few hours, he needed them to be the Edward and Bella they were when things between them was so much simpler.

After a few beats of silence, Bella asked, "What are you thinking about?"

"The night I proposed to you," he answered.

"That wasn't one of my better moments," she said.

"You said yes, which is all that matters. That was one of the happiest nights of my life."

"What made you think of it?"

"Just being nostalgic I guess. That night was the beginning of the rest of my life in a way. I had all but given up on love, finding a ma-partner." He stumbled over his words, not wanting to say anything to further upset Bella.

"And I never imagined I would get married. Funny how life works, isn't it?"

"Mmmhmmm. You're shivering," he said, shifting so that he could pull the comforter around Bella. "What would you like to do the rest of the day? I was thinking we could stay in bed and watch a movie."

"As long as I can pick the movie and eat popcorn in bed," Bella said. "I need to take a shower first though."

Edward threw on a pair of lounge pants and padded downstairs to fix Bella some popcorn. As he grabbed her a glass of soda, another idea fell into place. He silently went back upstairs and into their bathroom, swiping her bottle of pain medication from the medicine cabinet. Back in the kitchen, he took out several of the pills and crushed them into a fine powder. Instead of soda, he would make her hot chocolate. He added the crushed pills to the powder and poured hot milk over the mixture, stirring until the pills were dissolved. He added a handful of marshmallows to the mug, took the popcorn bag out of the microwave, and swiped a few napkins on his way out of the kitchen. His phone rang again - once again it was Alice. He had a moment of panic that he had let his intentions slip, but he knew if that were the case, the whole family would be at their doorstep. He turned off his phone, and whispered "I'm so sorry, Alice." He knew that if there were no wrinkles in his plan, Alice would never, ever forgive him, or herself.

When he walked back into the bedroom, Bella was slipping on one of his t-shirts. "I've got the popcorn and hot chocolate. Have you picked out a movie?"

She held up the DVD case. "Some Like It Hot - good choice. After you," he said, gesturing to the bed. Bella got in bed and propped the pillows up behind her. Edward placed the popcorn and napkins on her night stand and handed her the hot chocolate. "Drink up before it gets cold." He slipped the DVD in the player before getting into bed. He started the movie and watched Bella drink her hot chocolate from the corner of his eye. Soon, she began to yawn, and before she finished the mug, she had set it down and curled up against his side.

"I might not make it through the movie," she yawned. "I guess I'm more tired than I thought."

"That's okay, love," Edward murmured, stroking her hair. "Rest. You've had a long day. I love you, Isabella Cullen." His eyes never left Bella as she fought to stay awake, but finally succumbed to the affects of the medicine. He turned off the movie and held her in his arms. Memories of the hundreds of nights they had shared together filled his mind. Looking back, he could see all the mistakes he had made, all the ways he had failed Bella. If he had it to do again all over, there was so much he would change. But thinking about what could have been was wasted time. Nothing could change the fact that they had reached the end of the road. Nothing Edward could do or say could change the hurt he had caused his wife, nor lessen the anguish she felt with every human breath she took. There was no going forward for them - there was no going back. There was only now. Edward's last act of penitence would be to give Bella the peace and happiness she had always deserved.

Darkness fell, and Edward knew it was time. He shifted Bella so that she was lying on the bed. She was deep in sleep and didn't even move when her head touched the pillow. He brushed away the few strands of hair that had fallen in her eyes and looked at her perfect face. Before he condemned himself to a life in hell, he wanted one last look at the woman who had become the only meaning, the only truth, in his life.

"I've been so selfish," he whispered. "I thought if I could keep you human long enough, you would lose your desire to become a vampire. In reality, I condemned us both. You deserve so much better than what I was able to give you." He paused, grasping for the words to explain to her - to himself - what he was about to do. "I can't live without you, but you know that already. But you...you're facing a choice that I know you don't want to make. Part of you wants to believe you can survive without me, but we're two halves of a whole. I've pushed you into a corner where no matter what choice you make, you'll never be truly happy. But now, my angel, you will finally be free of me, and the beauty is, it will be without pain or regret. Where you're going, I won't be able to hurt you any more. My one unselfish act on this Earth will be to send your soul where it belongs. Sending your soul to heaven will be my best reward and my worst punishment." His lips brushed over hers just as his hands wrapped around her neck, and with only the slightest of movements, snapped it. "Rest in peace, my love."

Venom burned the back of his eyes, but Edward couldn't pause, even for a second. He got out of bed and took the old space heater Bella used during the winter out of the closet. He plugged it in and sat it near enough to the bed that the comforter tangled in the coils. He doubted there would be much left of the house by the time the fire department made it, but just in case, he needed a plausible explanation for why the house went up in flames. Although his family would know the truth, for the sake of Renee and Charlie, Edward needed to make this look like an accident. Next, he went downstairs and found a lighter. Going from room to room, he set fire to anything that would burn.

As he entered the bedroom, he set fire to the curtains and lay down in bed beside Bella. Her skin had grown cold, but even in death her beauty was unmarred. He brushed a kiss against her cheek and wrapped his arms around her. One last time, his thumb struck the lighter and he touched the flame to the comforter and sheets that were wrapped tightly around them. The flames smoldered slowly, but soon took life, licking at his skin and hair. He welcomed the pain as it consumed him, but he wouldn't cry out. He deserved no mercy for his sins. Besides, the pain he was now experiencing was only a small taste of what he would be facing for the rest of eternity.

As the room filled with the smell of smoke and burning flesh, Edward closed his eyes and buried his face in Bella's hair. And finally, the world went dark.


	16. Epilogue

**Thank you to every single person who read and commented on Eden Burning. This fic is so special to me, and I'm honored that you have come along for the ride with me. **

**I also have to thank my beta, LauraLoo and my pre-readers Detochkina and Myskich. Without you girls, I never would have made it through this fic. I love you!**

**As always, I don't own it.**

Rain fell in soft patters against the blue tent, shielding the mourners from the wet, but not the cold of that dreary Forks day. It was quite appropriate weather for a funeral; sun on this day would have seemed mocking and cruel. Mr. Weber stood at the front of the gathering and looked out among the family and friends who had shown up to say a final goodbye to Edward and Bella. His heart was heavy - their deaths were such a tragedy. His daughter, Angela, was taking Bella's death particularly hard. He glanced at her, clinging to Ben and weeping into his shoulder. She and Bella had been friends since high school and had grown closer after graduation. It pained him to see his daughter in such pain and hoped that God would give her comfort as she mourned. He had presided over countless funerals, but this one was particularly hard. Mr. Weber had married this same couple not five years ago. Silence hung as heavy as the fog rolling over the gravestones that scattered the cemetery, so he had merely to speak to grab the attention of the mourners. 

_Do not stand at my grave and weep  
I am not there; I do not sleep._

_Do not stand by my grave and mourn,_

_I am not there I have been born.  
I am a thousand winds that blow,  
I am the diamond glints on snow,  
I am the sun on ripened grain,  
I am the gentle autumn rain.  
When you awaken in the morning's hush  
I am the swift uplifting rush  
Of quiet birds in circled flight.  
I am the soft stars that shine at night.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry,  
I am not there; I did not die._

"Mary Frye wrote this poem in 1932. We do not know if she was speaking of her own death or writing about the death of a loved one, but her words are profound even as they are simple. Through our grief, thorough our tears, we must never lose sight of the fact that the souls of Bella and Edward are free - they have shed this mortal coil and have gone to a place where their bodies will never grow weak and their souls will never be burdened." Mr. Weber paused for a moment as the wind picked up and started to shake the tent. As he scanned the mourners, he couldn't help but notice the dry eyes of Edward's family. They looked weary and crippled with grief, but the tissues in their hands remained unused. He lingered on Alice. She had not spoken a word since the family had learned about the deaths. Flanked by her husband and sister-in-law, she stared blankly outward, focusing on everything and nothing at the same time. He said a silent prayer that the Lord would touch her mind and bring her back to a family who desperately needed her.

"It seems trite to say that time heals all wounds, but the Lord has said he will not give us more than we can bear. A minister by the name of Arthur Powell Davies penned the following words, which I want to leave you with today. 'When sorrow comes, let us accept it simply, as a part of life. Let the heart be open to pain; let it be stretched by it. All the evidence we have says that this is the better way. An open heart never grows bitter. Or if it does, it cannot remain so. In the desolate hour, there is an outcry, a clenching of the hands upon emptiness, a burning pain of bereavement, a weary ache of loss. But anguish, like ecstasy, is not forever. There comes a gentleness, a returning quietness, a restoring stillness. This, too, is a door to life. Here, also, is a deepening of meaning-and it can lead to dedication, a going forward to the triumph of the soul, the conquering of the wilderness. In the process will come a deepening inward knowledge that, in the final reckoning, all is well.'"

The service done, the mourners filed into the mausoleum and one at a time touched the small name plates on the wall. Shuffling feet and quiet weeping were the only sounds as friends and family said their final goodbye to Edward and Bella. Finally, when the last person had paid their respects, Mr. Weber spoke.

"Let us pray. Dear Heavenly Father, we, the family and friends of Edward and Bella Cullen stand here before you today broken with sorrow. We pray that you would bring comfort to our hearts as we mourn the loss of two people who brought so much love and joy to our lives. Allow us to rejoice in the fact that they are with you in Heaven, where there is no heartache, no pain. Give us the strength to get through each day, knowing that someday we will be reunited with them in Heaven. Amen."

Mr. Weber raised his head and made his way to the mourners, shaking hands and offering words of comfort and condolence. When he reached Alice, he crouched down slightly so that he was able to look in her vacant eyes. "Alice, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how close you were to your brother and Bella. May God comfort and bless you." Alice offered no sign that she had heard him.

"Thank you for your kind words," Jasper said, still clutching his arm around Alice's shoulders. "This is hitting her particularly hard. She and Edward had not been speaking much lately and when they did..." Jasper trailed off, not wanting to upset Alice any further, if that was even possible.

Alice could hear everything going on around her, but she was too trapped in her own guilt and grief to even pretend to listen. In fact, she hadn't spoken since the night of the fire, after her vision came to her when it was too late to stop the horrible events from unfolding. She had failed and because of that, Edward and Bella were dead. Carlisle thought that Edward must have made the decision hastily and used all of his mental acumen to block his intentions. Edward knew very well how Alice's talent worked, therefore Carlisle didn't think it was impossible that he would be able to fool her long enough to complete his grim task. It was small comfort to Alice - nothing would bring them back. Nothing would make her family whole again.

Mr. Weber reached down and took Alice's gloved hand in his. He stared into those vacant eyes, searching for the right words to say, even though he had spoken words of comfort to families more times than he cared to recount. There was just something about the Cullen family that caused a tickle in his brain, as if something about them wasn't quite right. He sucked in a ragged breath and squeezed Alice's hand lightly.

"Alice, despite your last words with Edward, know that he holds no ill will towards you and that his love for you is unbroken. In Heaven, the burdens and trials of Earth are shed, replaced by a joyful spirit that knows no hurt or anger. Let go of the guilt and allow yourself to begin the healing process. I didn't know Edward well, but I know how much he loved his family and how he would want you to be happy." He wasn't sure if Alice had heard him, but with one last squeeze of her hand, he moved down the line, talking softly to each member of the family.

A lone figure stepped silently through the cemetery, his shoulders hunched against the rain. With each step he walked, he tried to figure out how he had failed so miserably. Behind him, hidden in the trees, Demetri and Felix watched his every move, ready to spring at the slightest hint their captive might try to escape. But, there was no escape for Edward. Unless he wanted to watch his family destroyed one by one, he had to say his goodbyes and submit to his new life in the Volturi guard. He stopped a few hundred yards away from where he knew family and friends were saying their last goodbyes to Bella and himself as his mind raced with the events that had transpired a few short days ago.

He must have only passed out a moment before Demetri pulled him out of the burning bed, muttering and cursing as he beat at the smoldering flames on Edward's clothes with his cloak.

"I hope Aro appreciates the peril I put myself in to rescue you. Suicide, Edward, really? I knew you were determined to keep Bella human, but this is just insane. Alright, out the window you go." Demetri pushed Edward to the broken window. "I'm not carrying you, so either jump, or I push you. I'm not fond of fire."

Edward's head was spinning - he still hadn't fully comprehended what had just happened. He must have lingered in the window too long, because he felt Demtri's hands shove him forward, and he landed on the roughly ground. The speed and grace he possessed as a vampire seemed to have shut down, and his arms and legs felt like lead pipes. His skin still felt as if it was still on fire, and all he wanted to do was jump back in the window and die beside Bella. He stared up at the window, wondering if he had enough strength to jump back.

"Don't even think about it," Felix muttered. Aro and Jane are still with your family - one phone call and they'll be dead before you can blink."

Edward could only stare, dumbfounded at his captors. That must have been why Alice called - and Aro's arrival must have been what kept his family from warning him in person. "Why," he cried, his voice guttural and raw. "Why me, God, why me?" He tore at his face, gouging his burned skin until the pain was too much to bear.

"Why not?" Demetri replied, helping Edward to his feet. "Aro has always wanted you as part of the guard. It's a shame your little pet is dead, but no matter, I'm sure Aro will be very pleased with this development." He drew a phone out of his pocket and quickly dialed a number. The conversation was brief and to the point. Felix and Demetri were to make sure the house burned to the ground, then take Edward to the private jet and await for Aro and Jane's return. Edward was rooted to the spot, no more able to move than if he had iron spikes driven through his stone flesh. His eyes drifted to the bedroom window, where flames were leaping through the window and lapping at the roof.

"What kind of rubbish fire did you start?" Felix asked. "This is never going to burn fast enough. Do you have gas, kerosene - anything flammable around here?" Without waiting for a response, he began walking towards the barn to the right of the house. After a couple of trips, he had emptied the barn of any liquid that was remotely flammable. One by one, he chucked the bottles and canisters through windows. Each projectile caused a small explosion, and the house was soon consumed in flames. Still, Edward was unable to move. He thought of Bella, alone in their bed, turning into nothing but ashes. He could see her beautiful hair, singed, her flesh melted to the bone. The love of his life, the woman that tied him to the Earth, was no more. Edward felt his chest go tight and his vision became fuzzy. He had to join her - he had to get back into the house.

He didn't realize he had been pacing and screaming until Felix clamped an arm around his neck. "You'd have a better chance getting back in the house if you didn't advertise your thoughts." Apparently something he said must have triggered Felix to hold him tightly in his iron grip. "We need to get out of here. Despite your fetish with fire, most vampires tend to stay as far away from it as possible. Demetri - you ready?"

"I thought you'd never ask. The sooner we can get out of this god forsaken town the better. Now, Edward, are you going to come with us nicely? Aro and Jane are staying at your parents' home until we've reached the plane. Poor Alice seems to be in a bit of shock right now, so there's no one to warn your precious family of what's to come if you don't cooperate."

So, with one last look back at his burning house, Edward allowed Felix and Demetri to transport him back to Aro's private jet. It wasn't long before Aro himself showed up, with Jane in tow. He was at his most gracious and charming, but Edward knew he would never warm to his new master. In fact, he wanted nothing more than to hit Aro - to pound him until he was nothing but dust. But Edward had caused enough pain and suffering to his family - he wouldn't cause more by doing anything rash. Aro's first order of business was to clasp Edward's hands - his brow furrowed as he took all that he had missed since he had last seen Edward.

"How tragic," he sighed. "She would have made a splendid vampire."

"Never." Edward looked up at Aro, biting down the violent urges racking his body.

"Yes, you made sure of that," Aro started. "All of this heartache could have been avoided if you would have turned Bella and joined us in Volterra. But, what is done is done, so you must focus on your new future with the Guard. Just think, no more of your ridiculous vegetarianism. And, in time you will forget your human and move on. There are many beautiful women within the gates of Volterra who would be quite willing to warm your bed. It will be splendid!" Aro clapped his hands and looked at Edward like a doting father.

A beautiful woman drifted out from the cockpit area, standing a respectful distance from the group. "The plane is ready for take-off," she said and began her flight preparations.

As Aro spoke of beautiful women, Edward's mind was immediately drawn to thoughts of Bella. That was all it took to sap the rage from his body and replace it with a crushing sorrow. He had so many hopes and dreams for their life together and it took him ending Bella's life to realize that he had doomed them both from the moment he first refused to change her. He let his demons take control of him and became weak, cruel and selfish. How could have been so blind to her pain? How could he have been so callous to the woman who was his everything? It was all so clear to see now that his life as he knew it was over. Edward laughed bitterly at his grandiose notion of saving Bella's soul. It was never his to save in the first place, and now he would never get a chance to make things right. He would never be able to tell her how sorry he was for all the times he hurt her. He would never be able to admit to her how wrong he was and beg for her forgiveness. The list of things he would never be able to do again, all because of his own selfishness, stretched before him like a never ending horizon.

Perhaps working for Aro was what he deserved. As far as he was concerned, it was a fate worse than death - it was his own personal hell. He despised the Volturi and everything they stood for, and now he was one of them. Not a day would go by that he wasn't reminded of the wretched depths to which he had sunk under the delusion that he knew what was best for Bella. In the end, he didn't know a damn thing. He would spend each day of the rest of his existence paying for his sins, but it would never be enough. He could never change what he had done or take away the hurt he had caused so many.

After a few moments, the plane took off and Edward rose from his seat. With every step he took, he knew he was sealing his fate. He made his way to the back of the plane and sat next to Aro. They sat in silence - Aro was evidently waiting for Edward to begin the conversation.

"Aro, I accept that I am now part of your guard and will obey you willingly in all things. However, there is one favor I would like to ask before I cut ties with my former life."

Aro immediately grabbed Edward's hand, picking details out of his brain like a chicken pecking grain. To him, words were just words. He placed his trust in the thoughts he was able to absorb with just a touch. "I hope in time you will learn to think of your new position as an honor instead of a punishment. You will want for nothing, Edward. As part of my inner circle, you will live like a prince." His face lit up like a child as he pontificated upon the wonders of becoming part of the Volturi.

"And my request?" Edward asked.

"I am feeling a bit sentimental today, so I believe that can be arranged. I suppose I should... pay my respects to Carlisle."

"Alice will know."

"Yes, I imagine that she will. But, a personal reminder that the Cullens must respect your decision, lest harm befall them, seems quite appropriate. You may observe the ceremony from a distance, but I will not allow you to communicate in any way with the Cullens. Please tell Felix I need to speak with him."

Edward let out a sigh of relief. He needed one last chance to say goodbye to the life he had known for the past century.

******************

Edward was brought back to the present when mourners began to arrive, shaking out their umbrellas as they huddled underneath the dark blue tent in the distance. He crouched behind a tombstone, listening to Mr. Weber's eulogy. He heard the anguished thoughts of Charlie and Renee, broken beyond measure at the loss of their only child. He did this to them - he robbed them of the most precious thing in their life, and despite Mr. Weber's words, he knew time wouldn't heal their grief. When he focused on the thoughts of his family he was almost crushed by the weight of their anger and sorrow. They knew he had killed Bella, they knew he had intended to kill himself but failed, and they knew he was now a member of the Volturi guard. He had betrayed them in the worst way possible, yet they still mourned him. At moment, Edward would have given anything not to be able to hear the thoughts around him. He didn't deserve their sorrow or their pity. He wanted their scorn - their hatred. How else was he supposed to let go of the only family he had known for over a century? 

After the short service, Edward moved back to the cover of trees surround the cemetery to avoid being detected. Felix and Demetri were annoyed, to say the least, that they had to babysit Edward another day, but there wasn't much they could do to protest. Aro was at the service and going to check on them before he and Jane spent the day with the Cullens. In the mean time, all Edward could do was wait until there was no one left who could discover him. Even after the area was clear, Edward waited, straining his hearing, trying to detect any human presence. When he was sure it was safe, he stood up and turned to Felix.

"I'm going to pay my respects. I won't try to escape...please don't follow me."

"Edward, you know we can't let you go alone. But, we will remain outside." Felix actually looked like he felt some sympathy for Edward. Perhaps he once lost someone he loved as much as Edward loved Bella. Or, perhaps he was just trying to be polite. Either way, Edward appreciated the small kindness.

His mind felt numb as he made his way toward the mausoleum. He stood in front of the tall door a moment before he extended his shaking hand towards the brass door handle. As promised, Felix and Demetri made no move to follow him inside. Edward stood in the doorway, breathing in the stale air. He didn't want to take those few steps towards the wall of plaques. Seeing Bella's name there on the wall, knowing that he had put her there, made him want to run away as fast and as far as he could. But, he knew he might never have another chance to say goodbye - to tell his beautiful wife all of the things he failed to say to her when she was alive.

He found the plaque and ran his fingers over the engraved writing.

Edward Anthony Cullen June 20, 1987- November 22, 2009  
Isabella Marie Cullen September 12, 1987-November 22, 2009

After a few minutes, Edward lay his forehead against the plaque, replaying the hundreds of times he had felt the smooth skin of Bella's forehead against his own. "Oh, Bella, my sweet, beautiful wife. Words can't express how sorry I am for all the ways I hurt you. Your presence in my life was a gift I've taken for granted for too long. And no matter what I did to you - no matter how low I brought you - you still loved me. Bella, I was impatient, cruel, overbearing...I took out all my fears and frustrations on you. The only think you ever asked me for was forever, and I took that away because I was too stubborn to let go of my fear of damning you. Your soul was never to save. How many times did you tell me that and I never listened? And then, when I was sure you would leave me, I killed you because I thought that death was the only way either of us would be happy. I was so, so wrong, but I can't take any of it back.

"If I could go back to that day I fled to Denali, I would stay there. My selfishness and jealously doomed you from the moment we met. If I had never kissed your lips, never knew that you were capable of loving me despite myself...you would have been happy without me. Maybe you would have married Jacob and had a family. Maybe you would have left Forks...the world was yours to conquer and I took that away. I took away your life because I believed my own lies. I know all of these words mean nothing to you now; maybe they wouldn't have meant anything to you even if you were still alive. I certainly don't deserve your understanding or forgiveness. I just need you to know how sorry I am for hurting you so badly.

"I want you to know that I did love you with all my being. You were the strongest, most beautiful woman I could ever imagine sharing my life with. You brought light and laughter into my life and showed me how beautiful it was to be alive. With you, anything was possible. The feel of your breath on my skin, your hands in my hair - I never felt so alive as when you touched me. To think I grew weary of holding myself back, when I should have remembered that being with you was what saved my existence after being lonely for so long. I let myself lose sight of how lucky I was to have the love of such an amazing woman. I sinned against you, harbored bitterness in my heart and showed you cruelty which you didn't deserve. I will spend the rest of my existence hating myself - punishing myself - for what I did to you."

He pressed his lips to the plaque and took in a ragged breath. "I have to go now, Bella." Edward's voice broke as his careful control started to shatter. "Goodbye, my love." He didn't look back as he left the mausoleum. That chapter of his life was closed and a new one about to open. He had to face his punishment, and to do that he had to lock Bella in the back of his mind, safe from all the wickedness he was sure to commit at Aro's command.

The next few minutes passed in a blur. Edward followed beside Felix and Demetri, paying no attention to where he was going until they reached the plane. He slumped down in the first seat he saw, hoping to be left alone. He cringed when Aro sat down next to him.

"Need something?" Edward was in no mood to talk, but he knew avoiding Aro wasn't a possibility.

"I trust you're ready to assume your duty with the Guard. I have several matters that will take your particular talents to remedy. I can't have you moping around the palace - I need you sharp and ready to work."

"I am at your service." Edward tried to keep the sarcasm out of his voice, but from the look on Aro's face, he hadn't succeeded.

"Well, then, it seems we are in agreement. One last thing and I will leave you. As a member of the Volturi Guard, you must wear our mark." Aro reached out and ran the tip of his finger over the black cuff on Edward's wrist. With almost human slowness, Aro ripped the cuff off and replaced it with a similar cuff displaying the Volturi crest. He picked up the torn pieces of cuff and with a rehearsed snap of his fingers, a flight attendant appeared with a ceramic bowl and a box of matches.

Edward knew what was coming and his whole body stiffened in response. When the bowl and matches were handed to Aro, he put the bowl in his lap and placed the bits of leather in it. Then, with the strike of a match, flame touched leather. Edward watched the fire lick at the cuff, bending and melting the Cullen family crest until it turned into weightless ash. When the small flame died, he felt the devestating and final loss of his connection to humanity.

Aro lifted his gaze from the bowl and focused his blood red eyes on Edward. "Welcome to the Volturi Guard, Edward," Aro said, placing his hand on Edward's shoulder, his face breaking into a maniacal smile. "I knew you would be in my service one day. You were never meant to be a Cullen. Embrace your true fate - you are the monster you have always pretended to fear."

Edward knew that Aro was right. He was a monster. He had always been one. He thought Bella was his salvation, but like all monsters, there was nothing in him worthy of saving. The time for denial was over. Defeated, Edward extended his hand to Aro and finally accepted his true nature. For the rest of his existence he would live in the dominion of monsters, just one more vampire in the Eden of Hell.


	17. Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds

Yes, I'm back. I hadn't intended on adding any more to Eden Burning, but the characters started talking to me again and I couldn't get them to pipe down until I started writing. I have to thank Detka and LauraLoo for holding my hand through this whole process. I could not have done this without you!

I hope you enjoy.

As always, I own nothing.

_These violent delights have violent ends._

It had been almost two centuries since Edward had become part of the Volturi. Not one day had gone by that he didn't feel regret for everything that led him to that cold, dark castle. While he still looked like the same seventeen year old boy that had fallen desperately in love with Bella Swan, inside he couldn't have been more different. The years of serving Aro had numbed him to suffering and inured him to the gluttonous folly of his masters. Despite Aro's attempts to sway him, Edward had remained a vegetarian – and celibate – since the day he arrived in Italy.

In fact, Edward had obtained the nickname "The Monk" not long after being initiated into the Volturi Guard. He spoke only when spoken to, remained apart from the other guards, and never seemed to be affected by the beautiful women passing through the castle. Even Heidi had failed to lure him into her bed, a fact that still vexed her these many years later. Edward was the only man, vampire or human, she had ever failed to seduce. Adding to the accuracy of his nickname, Edward spent countless hours in the small chapel within the castle, replaying the past over and over again in his mind. The vision of Bella as she lay in his arms, so beautiful and fragile - the soft popping of her neck, the smell of burnt hair - each memory cut through him like a knife. He was beyond God - beyond saving, but he knew Bella was not. She was angel on Earth, so surely she had been given wings in Heaven. There, in the chapel, Edward prayed not for himself, but for Bella. Whether God heard him or not, he knew that he would never stop praying, never stop remembering, never stop atoning.

He had not returned to Forks since the day of the funeral. But now, as the anniversary of Bella's death approached, he felt a desperate yearning to go back. He was so tired of the emptiness in his soul and the guilt he carried like a yoke around his neck. No matter how long he lived, Edward knew that nothing could atone for what he had done to Bella and his family. No amount of suffering he went through made a damn difference – Bella was still dead, and his adopted family would always bear the scars of his actions. He longed to walk into the fire and end his wretched existence. But, as long as Aro held the threat of harm to the Cullens against him, Edward could make no move to end his life. He had done enough damage to his former family; there was no way he would risk inflicting more damage on them for his own selfish reasons. So, each day he performed his duties, going wherever Aro sent him, gleaning information from the minds around him and keeping the vampire population under control. He did everything Aro asked without complaint, as long as it pertained to his duties as a Guard.

For his part, Aro couldn't complain about Edward's service. It was less than enthusiastic, but never less than what was asked of him. Aro had hopes that one day Edward would view him as more than his punishment for killing Bella - that he would finally take his rightful place as a member of the Guard. However, he had finally had to admit that Edward was never going to look at Aro with anything more than hate or embrace the Volturi lifestyle. The Monk was indeed a fitting name for him. At least Aro could take comfort in the knowledge that he had Edward's unique talent on his side. With each touch of their hands, Aro knew that as long as he continued to hold the threat of harm towards the Cullen coven against Edward, he would never stray. And, it didn't hurt that he still had Chelsea to bind Edward to the Volturi. Edward had fought against Chelsea's ability to bind him to the Volturi since the first day that he arrived, but he had not failed Aro in anything he had asked. Regardless of Edward's disdain for his lot in life, he was Aro's creature for eternity.

Edward had recently returned to Volterra from China, where he had been meeting with a delegation of vampires who were working on what could be the nuclear weapon of the vampire world - a virus so potent that it would kill all vampires not inoculated within days. The leader of the largest Chinese coven, Zhuo Hu had squandered the immense wealth of his people, leaving them destitute and desperate to regain their fortune. Hu had been captured and killed, and the covens new leader, Gong Sun had jumped at Aro's proposal. The virus would be the perfect tool for Aro to cement his power for all time and the coven would have immense wealth and the favor of the Volturi. Edward was there to check on the progress of the project and to discern if the Gong coven was planning to double cross the Volturi and use the virus for their own gain.

As Edward strode into Aro's private chambers, he immediately held out his hand and placed it in Aro's deceivingly gentle grip. Immediately, Aro was assaulted with the myriad details of Edward's trip. Not surprisingly, he holed up in his quarters when not meeting with the Chinese delegation. And, he was pleased to know the virus and the vaccine were progressing as planned, and that Edward detected no deceit amongst the vampires he met with.

"Well done, Edward. This project is the most ambitious ever launched in the vampire world and will assure the rule of the Volturi for millenia to come. We must keep a close eye on Gong Sun- this virus must be carefully controlled and its existence must be kept an absolute secret. I will accompany you on your next trip to ensure their total cooperation. But, enough business for now. Heidi has just brought in a most inviting repast, if you would care to join us. We can debrief later." Aro knew Edward would refuse, but he continued to ask, hoping one day his most reluctant guard would recognize the folly of his ways and once again consume human blood.

"Thank you, but I think I will visit the chapel."

"Very well. Jane will fetch you when I am ready." Aro nodded, dismissing Edward.

Edward slowly made his way to the small chapel. The sight of his pilgrimage to this little used room didn't evoke surprise any longer. The inhabitants of the castle knew that if Edward wasn't in his chambers he could be found there. He made his way to the front of the room and lit nine candles: one for Bella, his human parents, and one for each member of his former adopted family. With each hiss of the match, Edward felt the burden of his guilt for all of the wrongs he had done. This was his penance – remembering the life he had turned asunder and the people he had hurt – and knowing that death itself was a blessing too good for a sinner such as him.

As he looked at the candles burning in front of the alter, Edward's mind drifted back to the day of Bella's death. It had been almost two centuries since he had taken her life. In that time, he hadn't returned to Forks, but lately he had been feeling a pull to go back. His life began an ended in that rainy little town, and after all the years he had lived in Volterra, it was still the only place he would ever think of as home. He wasn't sure if Aro would consent to the trip, although he could hardly worry that Edward was a flight risk. In his years of service to the Volturi, Edward had never balked at any assignment he was give, no matter how distasteful. Surely Aro would allow him a bit of freedom in exchange for his years of faithful service.

Later that evening, Jane summoned Edward to visit Aro in his private chambers. After the debriefing, Aro approached the topic that had been hanging between them for longer than Edward probably realized. Aro could read the longing in Edward's thoughts – he knew his youngest Guard wanted to make a pilgrimage to Forks. Edward had been carrying guilt for his wife's death for far too long. If Bella would have lived to old age, she would have been long dead by now – either way, the unnecessary remorse over his human wife was greatly annoying. Aro steepled his fingers, mentally urging Edward to broach the topic of Forks.

"As you seem to already know, I wish to return to Forks for a brief time. I have been your faithful servant now for almost two centuries, so I would ask for permission to travel alone. I give my word I will return to my duties here—"

Aro held up one finger. "I have given this issue much thought. Whether you are aware of it or not, your thoughts have been projecting your desire to return to Forks for some time now. I will allow you this trip, but you must promise me one thing in return."

Edward tensed, reading Aro's thoughts before the words could leave his lips.

"Upon your return, you must discard this priestly lifestyle you have adopted. You are a Volturi and I expect you to act as such. Your time of guilt and mourning must come to an end, Edward."

"I…you can't ask…" Edward stammered.

"That is my condition. Take it or leave it. I will not lie and say I wish you not to go. On the contrary, I most look forward to your company minus the sackcloth and ashes. But, the choice is yours."

"I need some time to consider your terms."

"Of course, dear boy. Run to the chapel and pray for divine intervention." Aro chuckled, waving his hands in a shooing motion. "I have had enough of your gloom for one day – leave and do not return until you have an answer."

Dismissed, Edward quickly left Aro's chambers. However, he didn't go to the chapel as Aro assumed. Instead, he made his way through the castle and out a back door that led to the lush gardens outside.

The day was bright and clear – Edward hoped the fresh air would help clear his mind after the many hours he had spent either cooped up in a plane or a small, dark room. On its face, Aro's offer should have been easy for him to reject. He had vowed to himself that he would spend the rest of his life doing penitence for his sins, and Aro's demand that he discard his carefully constructed lifestyle would obliterate that vow. However, he longed to go back to Forks – to revisit Bella's grave and feel close to her in a way that he couldn't anywhere else on Earth. He sat down on the nearest bench and fixed his eyes on the nearest rose bush.

"What do I do?" he whispered.

"If only the wind would answer."

Edward was caught off guard by Marcus's words. He had a startling ability to mask his thoughts, only letting in Edward when he chose. It was an talent he had developed in the years since Edward had joined the Guard. Marcus was a very private person, so Edward's ability was a very unwelcome intrusion.

"What can I do for you?" Edward asked, assuming Marcus had followed him outside because he had business only Edward could attend to.

"May I join you?"

"Yes, of course," Edward replied.

He took a seat beside Edward, smoothing his robes as he settled. "I couldn't help but over hear your conversation with Aro. What a most vexing choice you must make."

"It shouldn't be a choice at all. I can't undo the past, but I can't just forget it ever happened and move on. I killed Bella – I hurt my family. How does he expect me to turn my back on that?"

"Aro is not like us, you know. He doesn't feel sadness or regret. When Didyme was killed, he didn't bat an eye. I have never stopped missing her – not one day goes by that I don't think about what might have been if we would have been able to leave this place."

"Why didn't you leave after she died?"

"You shouldn't have to ask – I know Aro uses Chelsea's talent to keep me in line. In those early years I tried to leave many times, but she would cast her net tighter around me and I would lose the will to fight. Finally, I gave up. I am old – the world outside these walls holds no more for me than the world within them."

The emptiness in his tone made Edward feel sympathy for the first time for Marcus.

"Don't feel pity for me. I accept my lot in life. But you – you are still far too young to be as miserable as I. Depriving yourself of happiness won't bring Bella back or absolve you of your sins. We are beyond saving, regardless of the hours you spend in the chapel. Why continue to play the martyr?"

"But you have no trouble depriving yourself of happiness. Why should I be any different?" Edward asked, probing Marcus's mind for anything that would give away why he was talking so intimately with him.

"As I said, I am an old, done man. Happiness is not for me - not at this stage in my life. But you are still so young and the Volturi can offer much to a handsome, intelligent vampire such as yourself. Bella's death was a tragedy, but eternity is a very long time to punish yourself for something you cannot change."

Edward knew that what Marcus said was true, but he still couldn't imagine living the type of life that Aro wanted. "But to live the life Aro asks of me would be to dishonor Bella's memory. As much as I want to go back to Forks, I can't give Aro what he wants."

Marcus leaned close to Edward, so that he was whispering in his ear. "What if you could give Aro what he wants and get something in return?"

Edward tensed, sensing a trap. Marcus was one of the three most powerful vampires in the world – that was not something to be taken lightly. However, he couldn't resist finding out what Marcus had to offer.

"First you must tell Aro that you consent to his demands. We must tread carefully here. Trust me when I say that what I offer is worth the sacrifice."

Edward could only think of one thing that would lessen his burden and that was the promise that no matter what happened, the Cullen family would not be harmed. Aro could do what he wished with Edward, but his former family should be free to live without the fear that one day harm could come to them because of him. Other than that, nothing else Marcus offered held any appeal.

"What you don't seem to understand is that there is nothing I want – I've made peace with the fact that I will spend the rest of my life in Aro's debt. The only thing I would ever ask for is that the Cullen family be left in peace. Aro will never consent to that – as much as he seems to trust me, that is his only insurance I will behave."

"I know what I'm asking you is difficult. I am an old man and have seen much in my time. I see good in you Edward, even if you can't see it in yourself. Perhaps I am foolish, but I wish to help you lessen the burdensome load you carry. Meet me here in three days time with your answer. Now, if you will excuse me, I must meet my brothers. I wouldn't want Jane to come looking for me and find us together."

Marcus rose from the bench and departed the garden as silently as he had entered it. Edward was confused and worried. Marcus conveyed no more in his thoughts than he had spoken aloud. Was it possible that Marcus actually wanted to help Edward, or was he acting as Aro's agent, testing Edward's loyalties? What could Marcus offer Edward that would be worth him accepting the Volturi lifestyle and laying aside his guilt and remorse for the grievous wrongs he had committed? Nothing made sense, yet Edward couldn't help the strong feeling that he should trust Marcus. Perhaps it was the way he spoke of his long dead mate, or the fact that he saw the malevolence in Aro, but for the first time, Edward recognized that Marcus was far more than he seemed on the outside.

Edward spent the next two days contemplating his decision and staying as far away from Aro as possible. He didn't want to risk the brush of skin that would reveal his every thought and action. He was anxious that Aro would find out from Marcus, although he often gave his brothers the deference not to to read their thoughts unless the situation warranted the intrusion. So many things could go wrong and in the end. Edward could deal with whatever punishment Aro inflicted on him, but he couldn't bear the thought of any of the Cullen family suffering. He longed to talk to Carlisle - he always seemed to know what to do in any situation. Alas, he was on his own and time was running out for him to make a decision. He could accept Marcus's proposal and embrace whatever fate resulted, or he could turn him down and miss what might be his only chance to return to Forks one last time.

In the end, Edward decided that with nothing left to lose, there was no reason not to help. If he could gain freedom for the Cullens by helping Marcus, he could agree to Aro's terms. Nothing would change the regret or anguish he felt over Bella's death - and in a way, this would be a new phase of punishment. He could already feel the self loathing creeping into his mind as he thought about drinking human blood and giving his body over to a woman not his wife.

On the third day, Edward made his way back out to the garden and found Marcus already there.

"I assume you have come to a decision?" Marcus asked, not bothering with meaningless pleasantries.

"Tell me again why I should trust you? I've been here two hundred years and never once have you spoken to me outside of issuing orders. Now you want to help me? Please forgive me if I doubt your motives."

"I understand you have little reason to trust me. But, I cannot tell you any more until you are safely away from these walls. I cannot risk Aro discovering my plans."

"Your mind is strangely silent to me. This would all be so much easier if I could hear what you were thinking." Edward gave Marcus a wry grin.

"Dear boy, I have learned to adapt to my environment over these many centuries. Tell Aro that you will accede to his demands and I assure you that I will fully reveal my plans as soon as it is safe. Believe me, I would not ask this of you if I did not think that this plan would not benefit both our interests."

Edward caught a glimpse of a thought from Marcus and furrowed his brow.

"What will Aro pay for?" Edward asked.

Marcus blanched and stood suddenly. "Your decision, Edward. Tell me now. Will you go to Forks or remain here and live as the Monk for the rest of your existence?"

Now Edward was more confused than ever, but more than that he was intrigued. What had Aro done to make Marcus angry enough to plot against him and reach out to Edward for help? For the first time in many years, Edward felt a spark of life as he thought about acting against Aro.

"If I do this, can you promise the Cullens won't be harmed?"

"I can make no promises - but I will assure you that if my plans are successful, no harm will come to the Cullen coven."

Edward knew that was probably the most he could ask for. He extended his hand to Marcus. "I believe I will be making arrangements to visit Forks."

XXX

Aro had been delighted that Edward had accepted his demands. He had already begun planning a grand party to take place upon Edward's return. He had instructed Heidi to procure only the young and beautiful and promised her that she would have the honor of breaking Edward's vow of celibacy.

Edward cringed as he read Aro's thoughts. The homecoming he was planning was sure to have the vampires of Volterra talking for days. And, Edward was expected to enjoy every dreadful moment. How would he make it through the night without thinking of Bella or feeling guilty that he was breaking every vow he had made since her death? But, he had struck a deal with Marcus and it was too late to back out now.

A mere twenty four hours after Edward had announced his decision to Aro, he was sitting on the plane, impatiently waiting for take off. He still couldn't believe things had gone so smoothly. One touch of Aro's hand was all it would have taken to unravel this trip. Edward hadn't seen Marcus since their last meeting in the garden. He wondered if Aro had discovered their scheming and was just stringing Edward along. He tapped his fingers impatiently against the arm rest and tried to quell the dread bubbling in his stomach.

He couldn't help but think back to his last flight to Forks. That trip was taking him back to Bella's funeral - it was his chance to say goodbye and to apologize for all the wrong he had done. This time, he wasn't sure what he was hoping to accomplish. It wasn't as if returning to Forks was going to change his situation. He was still a member of the Volturi Guard, still a murderer, a monster - as he thought about it, returning to Forks would only reinforce the hopelessness of his existence. If only he knew what Marcus was planning and what role he would play in the scheme. He didn't believe in redemption, but retribution - that was an entirely different matter.

Edward was so lost in thought that he barely registered the wheels lifting off the ground. When he realized the plane was in flight, he felt the nausea and tension leave his body. He closed his eyes, relishing the freedom he felt when away from Volterra.

"That was easier than I expected."

If Edward had a heartbeat, it would have stuttered at the shock of having Marcus appear in the seat next to him.

"I guess I should have expected to see you here." It made sense - what better opportunity would Marcus have to fill Edward in on his plot than here, 30,000 feet above ground? "I assume you had the plane checked for bugs?"

"All precautions have been taken to ensure our conversation will be only between us," Marcus answered.

"Well then, please do fill me in on this grand plan of yours."

"The time has come for the Volturi to relinquish its power to a more universal governing body. You are going to help that happen."

Of all the things Marcus could have said, Edward had not anticipated that. "I...I'm not quite sure what to say, Marcus."

"The world has changed, yet the vampire community has not kept pace. Covens around the world chafe at not having a say in their governance. Power holds no appeal for me, not like it does for Aro and Caius, so who better than I to start a coup and overthrow the Volturi?" Marcus gave Edward a small smile. "I suppose you're wondering how I've kept this from Aro for so long?"

"Among other things, yes." Edward's mind was reeling with questions.

"Aro knows well that my hunger for power is weak. He rarely asks my counsel and only bothers to seek my thoughts when he has given me a pressing duty to fulfill. As of late, he has been obsessed with the virus being created by the Chinese. He and Cauis have been so immersed with their quest for total domination that I have been left quite alone."

"That might explain why your thoughts have been protected from Aro, but why do you want to overthrow him? I get that you don't care about having power, but a coup? What do you gain from destroying what the Volturi has built over hundreds of years? Vampire have been upset with the Volturi for a long time - why is the time for change suddenly now?"

"Aro and Didyme were siblings - did you know that?" Marcus asked.

"I did, yes." Carlisle had imparted all the knowledge he had of the Volturi leaders to his adopted family, realizing that information could one day be necessary to their survival.

"What does that have to do with overthrowing the Volturi?"

"I loved her the first time we met. She was sweet, shy - nothing like her brother," Marcus started, ignoring Edward's question. "We were so happy together, Didyme and I. Aro was always disappointed in her talent, but I always believed he loved her."

Edward tensed, reading the thoughts swirling through Marcus's mind.

"After a few centuries, we made the decision to leave Volterra. There was so much we wanted to do - so many places we wanted to live. Aro gave his blessing and threw us a lavish party to send us off in style. But, before we left he asked if we could help quash an uprising in Rome.

He told me she died at the hands of an insurgent; oh what a convincing performance he gave that day. But now I know the truth - he killed her to keep me by his side. For that, I will take away all he holds dear."

All that Marcus said made sense. He knew at another time, in another life, he would have killed anyone who hurt Bella. "Why didn't he just threaten you so you would stay?"

"As long as Didyme was alive, there was always the threat that I would leave. Her power might not have been the weapon he hoped for, but I think he knew that even Chelsea would not be able to stand against her in the long run. And, with Didyme gone, I had nothing else to live for. Aro had me right where he wanted me."

"How did you discover the truth?"

"A vampire who was there that day and saw it happen. He is a nomad with no love for the Volturi, so until recently he had no reason to tell me what he saw that day."

"What changed his mind?"

"He required my assistance. I saw no reason to come to his aid until he told me this information."

"And how do you know he wasn't lying?"

"It makes sense. Once Aro has acquired vampires with power, he is loathe to part with them. He uses whatever means necessary to ensure obedience. Killing Didyme caused him little sadness and kept me in the fold - problem solved."

Edward knew Aro was cruel, but to kill his own sister just to keep Marcus by his side was almost unfathomable. "I always knew he was a sick bastard, but that...I'm so sorry. I know that probably doesn't mean much from me, but I am."

"I don't require your sympathy, only your assistance."

"I'm here, aren't I?" Edward replied.

"As I knew you would be; It is no secret that Volturi Guard or not, you loathe Aro."

Marcus had him there. Edward had never tried to hide his disdain Aro. He skated on the edge of insolence, pushing Aro only as far as he thought safe. "So I was an easy choice to help you execute your master plan. Now that you have my assistance, are you going to tell me how we are going to bring down the Volturi? And, are we bringing down the whole coven, or just Aro? It seems to me this talk about a new governing body is just a means an end."

"If Aro is brought low and the world's vampire population are given a chance to govern themselves does my motivation really matter?"

"I suppose not, although something about this whole situation seems too convenient."

"I prefer to think of it as fortuitous," Marcus countered. "Let's move on to my plan, shall we?"

"Yes, please," Edward said, no bothering to mask his impatience.

"It's rather simple, really. The Gong coven has agreed to sell me the virus they are creating."

All of the perils and pitfalls of the plan immediately began popping up in Edward's mind. Marcus was playing a very dangerous game and Edward was now right in the middle. If things went wrong, he could only imagine the pain and suffering Aro would inflict on the Cullens, not to mention the punishment he would think up for Edward.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and bit back a groan. "And you're sure Gong Sun isn't going to go back to Aro and try to start a bidding war for the virus?"

"Gong has no love for Aro or the Volturi. He is happy to aid in their destruction. With my deal he gets the riches he so greatly desires as well as freedom from what he perceives as the heavy handedness of the Volturi style of governing."

"And will Gong give you the blueprints for the virus?" Edward asked.

"Yes, although I'm not sure that I trust him to give me the only is part of your role in all of this. Although Gong has stated his distaste for the whole idea, what leader would give up such a powerful weapon?"

Edward suddenly realized that he and Marcus wouldn't be traveling Forks. "We're going to China."

"Yes, indeed we are. I'm sorry, but your visit to Forks will have to wait. After this business is concluded, you will have the freedom to go wherever you wish."

The thought of freedom both scared and exhilarated Edward. He hadn't allowed himself to imagine a future where he wasn't beholden to Aro. Contemplating the future still wasn't a good idea - too much could still go wrong.

"Upon our arrival at Gong's compound, we will take possession of the virus, inoculation, and blueprints as soon as I wire the agreed upon funds to an account in Geneva. One of the scientists who developed the virus will give us a brief explanation of how it should be administered. We will stay no longer than necessary - it is vital we are back in Volterra in time for your party."

"Where does Aro think you have gone? Won't he be suspicious that you just disappeared?"

"Let him be suspicious." Marcus waved his hand as if he was shooing away a fly.

"But what if he demands your hand when you return?" Edward feared the rage Marcus held for Aro was clouding his judgement.

"That is exactly what I'm hoping will happen. For over 3,000 years, Aro has looked at me as nothing more than a tool to be used to secure his power. He killed my beloved and forced a life on me that I did not want. It is time for the tables to turn."

Even though Edward had brought on his current life by his own actions,he could relate to the blinding anger Marcus felt towards Aro. But, the plot he was proposing seemed ill thought out. "So what, we're going to just walk in the castle, hold out our hands and what, expect Aro not to have Renata subdue us before we can even think about infecting him?" There were so many holes in the plot it might as well have been swiss cheese.

"Do you have so little faith that I would even begin this mission before I had a plan in place? I have learned a few things from Aro over the years. Now, relax and enjoy the trip. I will fill you in on the rest of the trip on our return flight."

Relaxing was not going to be easy, not when all Edward could think about was all the ways things could go wrong. His brain ran through countess scenarios, none of them ending with Edward gaining his freedom. How he wanted to believe that everything would go according to plan and he would find himself far away from Volterra. Now that the possibility was before him, he ached to see Aro dead - he longed to escape from Italy and never return. But so many things had to go right first. Eventually, Edward chose a classic musical selection and tried immerse himself in the soothing notes.

Edward was still feeling unsettled when the transporter arrived in China,, but was more resigned to his fate than when he had first heard Marcus's plan. As soon as they disembarked, a car was waiting to take them to Gong's palace. This part of the plan was fairly straight forward: pay Gong for the virus, get a brief demonstration, stay long enough to be polite and leave. The drive to their destination was brief. Marcus mentally relayed some information on Gong and his coven to Edward so that he was prepared for what they would face when they reached their destination.

The next several hours went according to plan. After the formalities were out of the way, Marcus made a call to a banker in Geneva to transfer the agreed upon sum to Gong's bank account. Once the transfer was complete, Gong handed over the virus and antibody to Marcus and had one of his coven members give a debriefing.

The virus was very straight forward. It was delivered transdermally via the swipe of a medicated roller ball. Given the current medical technology, it was very crude, but it was the most effective method for delivery to a vampire. Once the virus touched the skin it would soak into the dermis and enter the circulatory system. Within hours, the infected vampire would start begin to rot from the outside in. Death would come within twenty four to thirty six hours. The virus was could be transmitted by the exchange of bodily fluids. Simple, yet deadly.

Marcus and Edward were both inoculated against the virus before departing China. They left Beijing with five doses of the virus, three doses of the antibody, and a microchip containing the formulation. Edward payed careful attention to Gong's thoughts every moment and, as Edward suspected, Gong had made no effort to destroy the vampires who created the virus, which was the only surefire way to ensure that knowledge of the virus was contained.

When Marcus and Edward were shown their chambers for the night, Edward finally had a chance to speak privately.

"Gong has no plans to eliminate the team of scientists responsible for creating the virus."

"I figured as much. What vampire with such power at his fingertips would so easily destroy it?"

"You don't seem worried," Edward stated.

"Now that I have the virus and the antibody, I can have scientists analyze it as well. Gong will not be able to run unchecked as long as I have the formula."

"That is just what Gong was thinking. He knows that the power of the virus is diluted now that he has sold it, but he knows that he still has a formidable weapon at his disposal. He has no immediate plans to use the virus. I judge it is more the security of knowing that he has it at his disposal." Edward didn't trust Gong by any means, but he didn't sense that he had any immediate plans to use the virus for his own gain. Gong's main goal was to rebuild the wealth of his coven and have a place at the table when the Volturi were replaced as the de facto rulers of the vampire world.

"I wouldn't have agreed to this if I thought Gong had ill intent. The formula will go to the new governing body and I have no doubt they will make every effort to stockpile as much of the antibody as possible."

"You put a great deal of trust in this new government," Edward scoffed.

"I should, Carlisle Cullen has agreed to be the first Secretary-General." Marcus had kept this information secret. Each step of his plan had been carefully planned out - it wouldn't do to have details leaking before he had obtained the virus.

"Does he know what you're planning do?" Edward was well aware that Carlisle eschewed violence unless there was no other choice.

"He does, and although he disagrees with my methods, his sense of duty towards his fellow vampires outweighs his distaste for this mission. He was actually quite wroth that I was involving you in all of this."

Edward's dead heart ached at the though that Carlisle might still care about him, even after all he had done. "If anyone can bring the world's covens together, it's Carlisle. I don't envy him the task ahead."

"Nor do I," Marcus agreed. "But, from his efforts will come a government capable of protecting the interests of the vampire community in a way that gives all the covens a voice."

Edward had great hopes for the future of his kind knowing that Carlisle Cullen would be the vampire in charge of putting together a coalition of vampires to run the government. Of course, like all governments it would have its problems, but he had no doubt that the foundation would be strong and that it would be fair and just.

"So, now that we have the virus and a plan in place for a government, would you care to fill me in on what comes in between?" Edward was anxious to find out what his role in the next part of the plan would be – and how Marcus believed only two vampires could topple the Volturi.

"The first thing you should know is that Demetri is on our side. Hopefully by the time we return Felix will be as well - if not we will be less one Guard. Nex—"

"Wait – Demetri is a part of this?" Edward scoffed. "Do you really think you can trust him?"

"I do. Demetri wants money and power. I have promised him a large sum of money in exchange for his assistance. I have also secured an agreement from Carlisle that Demetri will play a leading role in the Security Force the government will assemble. If Felix agrees to join us, the same offer will be extended to him."

The thought of Demetri and Felix having any part of the new government did not sit well with Edward. "They have tortured and killed! How could Carlisle agree to this?"

"What they have done in the past was done under orders from Aro. There will be strict rules in place on the use of force that the new Security Force will have to abide by, and there will be severe consequences for breaking them. Demetri understands his power will not be unchecked and that his role will be quite different from the one he played for Aro. Carlisle and I agreed that we must make the best of the situation. While this might seem distasteful to you, we need both vampires on our side. Now, if I may continue?"

Edward waved his hands, too furious to speak.

"Before we leave the plane, I will give you a vial of the virus – keep it in an easily accessible place. Our first challenge is to approach Aro and Cauis privately. I will arrange to have a private word with them in the anteroom just off the ballroom. It is vital that you follow me into the room. I don't think it will arouse suspicion, as Aro will be eager to hear about your trip.

"At this point you will dab a small amount on your hand before extending it to Aro. In the mean time, I will take care of Caius. Of course, Aro will know immediately what you have done. Hopefully, both Demetri and Felix will be there to subdue them both and secure them in a vault in the catacombs. We do not want them exposing others to the virus, so getting them to the catacombs is essential. If Felix is not there, you will need to assist Demetri."

The possibilities for failure threatened to overwhelm Edward. "And what about the rest of the Guard? It won't take them long to realize something is wrong."

"Once Aro and Caius are secured, Demetri is going to stage a breach in the catacombs. Once the guards are alerted, they will immediately converge upon the breach point, which just happens to be the cell where Jacque Dupont is being housed."

"He's still alive?" Edward asked. "Vampires generally don't withstand Aro's brand of torture very well."

"Apparently he still hasn't given up the pass codes. Aro has his heart quite set on the Arman Tateos Manookian painting in his collection."

"He's being tortured for a painting?"

"Which is exactly why Aro must be eliminated." Marcus pounded his fist on the armrest with each word.

"Am I to assume the plan is to trap as many guards as possible in the cell?"

"You are correct. As for any Guards that remain - we must hope they make a peaceful escape. The castle will be full of vampires - some who might be inclined to help us, but many more whose first instinct will be for self preservation."

"This is a disaster waiting to happen," Edward complained. "How can you be so sure this plan won't end with both of us set on fire?"

"I can't - but I am old and weary. I do not fear death, only living under the iron fist of a delusional master."

"I don't fear death, but I have seen Aro torture countless vampires. That I do fear." Edward had longed for death for close to two hundred years. He had tried to be killed by the Volturi in another life; it was ironic that he was trying to avoid the same fate today.

"Edward, I never claimed that this plan was perfect. But, I don't think things are a dire as you make them out to be. Many loyalties will be tested over the next several hours, and I think you will find that many vampires in Volterra are not as loyal to Aro as they might seem."

XXX

It had been six months since the Volturi had been overthrown. Once free, Edward felt lost and spent the time wandering around Europe, keeping in touch with Marcus every few weeks. He kept to the graveyards of whatever town he found himself in, keeping to the shadows and resisting the urge to hunt until his hunger became unbearable. Finally, he had broken down and made the journey to Forks. Time had changed the town considerably, familiar landmarks were gone, replaced by more modern buildings. The spot where the house he had once lived in with Bella once sod was now overrun with trees and grass. Just being there made his chest constrict. If any place was hell on Earth, this was it. The smell of burning hair filled his nose and he found himself running away. But, there was no where he could run that would erase the memory of what he had done to Bella.

Edward ran mindlessly and found himself at the cemetery. Although the town of Forks had changed, the cemetery had not. As he walked amongst the tomb stones, he remembered the last time he had been there. So much had changed since that day, yet the the stark reality of what had not changed loomed before him. While he was lost in thought, his feet had taken him to the mausoleum where Bella was interred. The age of the building showed by the crumbling and darkened marble exterior. Just has he had all those years ago, Edward raised a trembling hand to the handle and pushed the door open. The air was stale and cool and he took a deep breath into his lungs. He found the plaque with Bella's name on it and immediately brought his hand up to trace the letters of her name.

"My Bella," he whispered. "I know I don't deserve to be here, but I couldn't stay away any longer. I miss you so much. Not a day goes by that I don't hate myself for what I did to you. Living in Volterra, and being under Aro's thumb - I thought that would be my punishment. Now Aro is dead and I'm free and I have no idea what to do."

"I still can't believe it worked." He said, allowing a faint smile to form. "I'd like to think you sent a little luck our way. Not for me, but maybe for Carlisle. If things would have turned out differently...I don't even want to think what could have happened to him."

When Marcus and Edward had arrived back at the castle, they found that Demetri had persuaded not just Felix, but also Alec and Jane to defect. Technology had evolved to the point where Jane and Alec's powers weren't as formidable as they once were. As a result, their usefulness had diminished in Aro's eyes. That, combined with Aro's increasingly erratic behavior and the knowledge of what he had done to his own sister was enough to persuade the evil twins to turn their backs on him in his hour of need.

"The look on Aro's face when he took my hand was priceless, Bella. And watching him rot and die - I know it's horrible that I took such joy in another's suffering, but after all the misery Aro had caused...I just couldn't find it in myself to pity him. We offered to let Sulpecia visit him - through the glass of course, but even she couldn't muster up any sympathy for him. She and Athenadora had barely seen their husband's bodies burned before they left for Paris."

Trapping the Guards had been easier than Edward had imagined. "Once they discovered DuPont's cell was empty, they stood around arguing about how he could have escaped and which direction he would have gone. The doors to the cell had almost closed by the time they realized they were trapped. Heidi almost squeezed through the doors, but the electromagnetic barrier had already been activated. Demetri found Afton trying to sneak out of the castle. Once he saw his fellow Guards in a cell and Aro and Caius rotting, he didn't have any fight left. Carlisle spoke with him a few days later and let both him and Chelsea go. Out of all the Guards, Afton is probably the one I trust the most to stay out of trouble. I have no idea what is going to happen to the others."

Carlisle and the other vampires who had gathered to form the United Vampire Council still hadn't decided to do with the remnants of the Volturi Guard. Demetri, Felix, Jane and Alec had all joined the fledgling Security Forces, so for now, they weren't considered a high risk. However, Renata, Heidi, Corin and Santiago were still in custody, refusing to cooperate.

"I still don't trust Demetri and that group. They were faithful to Aro for far too many years for me to believe they are going to be happy working for a government that puts restrictions on them. And none of them can stand Carlisle - their loyalty to Marcus is the only thing keeping them in line. This government is still coming together; I'm afraid one wrong move from one of them could bring it down.

"There are so many things I would like to ask Carlisle, but I can't bring myself to face him. Marcus says that he wants to meet with me, but what could I possibly say to him after what I did? Sorry just isn't enough to cover all of the hurt I caused. I wish..." Edward shook his head. "I wish for so much that can never happen."

Above all he wanted to go back in time. He wanted Bella back - he wanted his family. Some days he even wanted to be back with the Volturi, leading a solitary life of self punishment and regret. Now that he was free to live as he chose he felt guilty. There were moments he contemplated stepping into the fire, but he could never quite force himself to do it. Whatever boldness had propelled him to lay in that fiery bed with Bella had long since left him.

Edward wasn't sure how much time he had spent in the mausoleum, pouring out two centuries worth of life to Bella when he heard the creak of the door and caught the familiar scent of a man he thought never to see again.

"Carlisle," he whispered, not daring to turn around.

"Son." Carlisle didn't move from the doorway.

"I'm not your son anymore." Edward tried to sound defiant, but his words came out dripping with resignation.

"You will always be my son. May I come in?"

Edward didn't answer, and heard Carlisle's steps echo on the marble floor until they stopped just behind him. He flinched when he felt a hand tentatively touch his shoulder.

"Edward, please look at me." Carlisle's voice was soft, but firm.

Edward slowly turned around, but couldn't bring himself to lift his head. Carlisle's thoughts were full of love and forgiveness, neither things Edward deserved.

"How can you possibly forgive me after all I've done? I killed Bella. I betrayed the trust of my family. I don't deserve anything less than your contempt."

"You caused a great deal of heartache and grief to many people and that is something you have to atone for in your own way. But as a father, my love for my children is unconditional. If it was any less, what kind of father would I be?"

Edward couldn't respond. How could he make Carlisle see that nothing he could do would atone for his sins – nothing could right the wrongs he had done.

"I know you don't see it now, but you can seek forgiveness. It won't come easily, but living your life denying love – punishing yourself for a wrong you can't undo – none of that is going to bring Bella back. She's already forgiven you, son. There are no records of wrong kept beyond the Gates of Heaven. This punishment – it is serving nothing. Do something good with your life – try to give back instead of trying to find ways of keeping yourself miserable. I'm not telling you to forget, or even to forgive yourself, just try to honor Bella's memory in a way that will make some small difference."

The thought of moving onto a life with purpose frightened him. "I don't know, Carlisle. I've spent so much time convincing myself that the only just life for me was one of punishment that I can't even imagine moving on right now."

"I understand – I just want you to know that I am always here for you. I forgive you even if you don't think you deserve it." Carlisle reached in his pocket and pulled out a small, silver ComCloud. "Please don't leave this here. If you ever need me..." His words trailed off as Edward took the device from his hand.

"Thank you, Carlisle. You're showing me more kindness than I could ever have have hoped for. And, I'll think about what you've said." He slipped the ComCloud in the pocket of his pants and extended his hand.

As their hands met, Edward saw the Cullen crest Carlisle wore around his wrist and thought of the bracelet he once wore.

"You don't need to wear a crest to be a Cullen." Carlisle followed Edward's gaze and pulled him into a hug. "There will always be a place for you in our home."

Carlisle left the mausoleum and Edward felt emptier than he thought was possible. There was nothing in him worth saving, and no good acts he did would make a damn bit of difference. He was still a murderer and a liar – a selfish monster to the core.

The more he thought about his encounter with Carlisle, the more depressed he became. He thought he had wanted his family back, but now that he had seen his father he realized that regaining what he had lost was impossible. He read Carlisle's thoughts and new the sincerity of his words were true. He really believed that if Edward dedicated himself to a life of purpose that he could find comfort. Edward knew the truth was much darker – no amount of good deeds would ever wash him clean.

As for Bella forgiving him – it was a thought Edward would not even let himself consider. He had no doubt that Bella was in Heaven, but nothing could convince him that she spared him even the smallest thought. He had sinned against her in the most unforgivable of ways and angel or not, she should rejoice in his misery. Bella might have loved him once, but that was snuffed out the moment he snapped her neck.

Edward stalked outside, barely restraining himself from slamming the doorHis hand closed around the ComCloud Carlisle had given him and crushed into powder as he began running. His feet didn't stop until he reached the road. It wouldn't do to be seen sprinting through downtown Forks with superhuman speed. He made his way to what looked like a coffee shop and took a moment to calm himself before he walked inside. There was only one thing he needed there, and it wasn't coffee. As his eyes scanned the tables, he noticed a woman enjoying her cup of coffee and reading, a lighter lying next to a pack of cigarettes on the table in front of her.

He made his way to the counter and swiped the lighter; the woman never blinked an eye. Since he was already at the counter, he ordered a drink and waited impatiently for the barista to prepare it. A few minutes later he exited the coffee shop, discarding his untouched coffee in the first waste bin he passed. His steps were slower as he made his way back out of town. So many memories surrounded him, even if Forks had changed drastically since he last lived there. In many ways, his life began in that rainy little town. Bella brought light into his life where only darkness had festered. Her beauty, her goodness, showed him that his existence could be so much more than day upon day of endless misery. But he had been weak and selfish - he let her precious humanity become a twisted curse - a torture whose only freedom meant death for them both.

His death had been delayed for over two hundred years, but now the moment was finally at hand. His life held no purpose –no meaning beyond punishing himself for a crime few people beyond himself still remembered. He had no family, no friends, and no God to plead to for mercy.

It didn't take long for him to gather a large pile of wood in the middle of the meadow that held so much meaning for him. He was happy here once, spending countless hours with Bella basking in the beauty of her presence. Today he would die here, haunted by memories that no amount of time could ever erase.

The wood was wet, so it took several moments for the flame to catch and several moments more for it to build up into a healthy fire. As he looked into the flames he felt no fear or trepidation, only relief that it would all be over. At one time he thought death was too good for him, but he was beyond the point of caring. What good was punishing himself if nothing would come of it?

The flames were now jumping into the afternoon sky, a brilliant orange against drab grey. The moment was at hand – there was nothing left to say – with one step it would be as if he never existed. With one stride, Edward walked into the flames. The pain was indescribable – far worse than even Jane's torture. He clenched his eyes shut, determined not to cry out. This was his final punishment, and he would accept it with the last shred of dignity he had left. The pain of all he had lost - the love and the wasted promise of a future with Bella, no matter how short, had carved a hole in him that nothing but death could fill.

Time passed and the spot where Edward died became overgrown, covering all traces of the funeral pyre that once burned so brightly. Carlisle tried in vain to contact Edward over the years. He never stopped asking the different vampires he met across the globe if they had seen him. Through his persistence, there was hardly a vampire alive who had not heard of his wayward son and human daughter-in-law. Finally, Carlisle stopped asking. It broke his heart to acknowledge that Edward was gone. His only hope was that he had found the peace in death. Even though Bella and Edward no longer walked the Earth, the story of their tragic love affair lived on in the vampire world, ensuring that though they might be gone, they would never be forgotten.


End file.
